The Misadventures of Trailer Park Charlie

Brown Mountain Police Blotter Roundup #4

2012-02-01T22:45:00.004-06:00

My hometown of Slinger, WI was recently featured on Jay Leno's police blotter segment. A dispute/cat fight broke out between two women who were arguing over who had the better parenting skills. While it's a great tale, it pales in comparison to the things that go on in Brown Mountain (Just like Leno pales in comparison to the guy he stole his gig back from - Conan O'Brien). As always, these are real police reports from the Jackson PD's "Notable Incidents" site. I'm becoming increasingly enamored with the person that writes them and think we should collaborate to make it the best police report journal in all of the land! Get a hold of me! (trailerparkcharlie@gmail.com)

July 26 At 11:35 PM, Officer Laabs made another trip to a cul-de-sac in Brown Mountain in which the neighbors have been feuding for years. In this episode, an 80-year-old woman complained that her neighbor has a motion sensor light that speaks, "Caution, you are on private property” every time she walks on her own driveway, which she feels is harassment. The other woman agreed to angle the motion sensor light a different way.

It wouldn't be a Police Blotter Roundup without an entry from Agnes and Ms. D! Ms. D implemented a top-notch security system after her troubles with Nobama, and apparently it's trying to keep Agnes away too (a good idea). The problem is, the security system is lying. Anyone just outside Ms. D's house is still on public property.

On August 6 shortly after midnight, a Brown Mountain man told Officer Foeger that an unknown man called and told him that if he didn’t get $20,000 he would “send four guys over in a Cadillac”.

Oh shit! Who wouldn't be freaked out by that? Officer Foeger would be no match for four guys in a Cadillac, whether they are packing heat or not. If I got a call like this, I would have to assume it was from The Bouncer.

August 9th At 8:06 PM, a 66-year-old Brown Mountain woman told Officer Henning that she had met someone on a Christian dating website and began an e-mail relationship. The man identified himself as "John Brown" from Nigeria. At one point, John asked for money so he could leave Nigeria. Although a relative had found John's profile picture with different names attached to it on other websites, she refused to believe that it was a scam and wired $450. John then emailed that he needed more, and at that point she realized it was a fraud and she contacted us. It’s impossible to identify the person, his location, and where the money went.

How many levels of stupid does this lady have? Being an old, lonely, desperate Christian lady can be a dangerous thing. 1. Who the fuck from Nigeria has a blatantly American name like John Brown? 2. Why would you start a long-as-fuck-distance relationship with someone from Nigeria? 3. $450 can barely get you halfway across this country, let alone move from Nigeria to the US. 4. Christians want to believe that people are "good" and wouldn't do anything to betray their trust. This is why in 2004 a friend and I were able to infiltrate a Christian music festival for 4 days, party hard (when booze was forbidden), ditch our volunteer security guard posts to go to another party, and cause general mayhem without anyone being the wiser. Morons.

On August 29 at about 8 PM, Officer Foeger was dispatched to Brown Mountain after an anonymous caller reported loud yelling coming from a residence. The 34-year-old woman was cautioned about yelling profanities so loudly on the phone that the neighbors could hear.

If you are going to spout profanities on the phone, use your Inside Voice, bitch.

On September 23, the West Fargo, North Dakota Police Department informed Det. Bloedel that it were looking for property that had been stolen and possibly transported to a Brown Mountain residence. After considerable follow-up, he recovered the property and verified the identity of the suspect. Further charges from West Fargo may be pending.

No, not THAT Fargo. It's West Fargo. Although since this doesn't say what the stolen property was, I will assume it was a wood chipper.

October 2 - At 3:09 PM, the owner of the Latest Edition reported that a man was passed out on the sidewalk. Officer Fristed found an extremely intoxicated 59-year-old Brown Mountain man whom we’re familiar with. When Officer Fristed informed him that he would need to go to the hospital, the man expressed his gratitude with a hearty, "F*** you”. The man got increasingly belligerent and Officer O'Hagan from Slinger PD was asked to assist. Jackson Fire Rescue was dispatched to the scene and Acute Care Services was notified. When the man refused to provide a urine sample, accompanied by more profanities, a catheter was used. The man's blood-alcohol level was .40, too high for him to be placed outside of a hospital setting.

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, .40??? This guy set the Brown Mountain record for Most Alcohol Dranken (by 3:09 PM nonetheless!) The LD50 for alcohol (lethal amount that would kill 50% of people) is set at .40, which is a whopping FIVE TIMES the legal limit. The fact that this guy was conscious enough to give a hearty "FUCK YOU" to the cops means he should be given a freaking medal, not hospitalized!

On October 27, shortly before 4 PM, Officer Henning was dispatched to a Brown Mountain residence. Officers have been to this location several times this year because of ongoing conflicts between a woman and her mother-in-law. In this case, the 62-year-old woman was cited for disorderly conduct for yelling “F*** you” at her daughter-in-law, in the presence of her two grandchildren.

Another hearty "FUCK YOU!"

On November 17 at midnight, Officer Borkowski and Deputy Lake were dispatched to a Brown Mountain residence regarding a family trouble. The 38-year-old woman had asked her boyfriend of three years to find a new place to live because the relationship was over. An argument ensued, so she picked up her eight-year-old daughter by another relationship and went to a neighbor's trailer. The woman and the officers returned to her residence and found the man standing in the kitchen with a cased pistol on the counter. Although the man claimed he was packing up his things, the gun case was the only item there. Eventually, it was agreed that the couple would separate for the night and the officer would take temporary custody of the weapon.

"It's over between us?!?! Let me just pack up my stuff... This is all I will need when I go Vengeful Murder-Suicide on yo ass!"

***SPECIAL BONUS ENTRY***

This didn't happen in my trailer park, or even my town, but it was too good to not share.

October 2 - At about 3:30 PM, a West Bend man told Officer Foeger that a man had exposed himself to his seven-year-old son at the skate park. However, further investigation by Officer Foeger and assisting deputies revealed that a 16-year-old had bent down to move the ramp and his pants came down slightly. Since he was facing away, what the youngster saw was unintentional buttock cleavage.

...and with the words "unintentional buttock cleavage", I will bid you adieu. Until next time!

Follow the Trailer Park on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Misadventures-of-Trailer-Park-Charlie/124202180957463.

How the Grinch Stole a Bunch of Shit

2012-01-10T22:41:00.002-06:00

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through Ms. D's house, Nobama was stirring, and eating a mouse... Actually, the best events of Christmas Eve took place far away from Brown Mountain in northern Illinois. When I need to escape the insanity of the trailer park, I can venture to the unique brand of amusing insanity that only comes from family time!

It was my mother's side of the family's usual Christmas Eve gathering. The wine and hilarious stories were flowing. One such story involves the ongoing saga of my aunt's neighbor Sanford. This guy makes Nobama seem like a n00b of a junk dealer. Sanford collects junk en masse and isn't shy about storing it in plain view in his driveway/yard. Since he's been to prison before for drug dealing/possession, his junking activities raise a bit of suspicion.

Sanford regularly comes home in the middle of the night with truckloads of random shit. But at times, this stuff is clearly not some old crap someone was happy to get rid of. He will come back with construction materials, and even once had fucking manhole covers. Where else do you get manhole covers but in the middle of the goddamn street? They usually say where they are from, so that is just asking for trouble. What are you going to do with a manhole cover anyway - sell it as a Frisbee to someone who has a T-Rex for a pet?

This particular holiday season, Sanford had a cornucopia of junk on display. Being the nosy people we are, the family dispatched my two cousins and I to check out what he had in his driveway. Under the guise of "we're going to toss the football around in the dark in the middle of the street", we headed outside. We haphazardly played catch for a few minutes before sneaking over to the junk museum. Sanford and Sons were home so we had to be quiet. I thought of the easy "we're looking for our football" excuse should they notice us. I was still nervous because I've seen too many TV shows where the kids lose the football over the creepy neighbor's fence and the next time they are seen is chopped up in a dumpster.

The darkness may have been playing tricks on our eyes, but I'm pretty sure we saw the following: Approximately 10 artificial Christmas trees piled up, a toilet, ladders, 13 TVs of varying sizes (some were just the screen/tube), three mid-to-late 90's computers, and a whole bunch of other shit that couldn't be deciphered in the dark. We remained undetected and returned to the house to give our report. After our little snooping job, we were able to safely return to our usual Christmas entertainment - Shit My Grandma Says (which could easily be a blog all its own). My family rules!

Trailer Park Charlie's Birthday Bash

2011-11-19T15:46:00.017-06:00

When epic events such as turning 26, paying off your trailer park home, and Halloween (the best holiday) converge, an appropriately epic party has to commence. Said party took place on October 29th and it rocked Brown Mountain like never before.

All of my friends call me a Jew because of how I am with money (see: Paying off trailer). So this year for Halloween I decided to humor them and dress like one too:

Since one of my favorite things to do is mock religion, I got my girlfriend to join in the fun as well. Since her last name is Pope, she dressed like a nun.

We also went so far as to carve pumpkins that matched our religious costumes:

That was all fun and good, but our "Holy Trinity" was not complete until our friend Slutty Jesus showed up!

I didn't want my guests to be thirsty (or sober) so I got a keg for the occasion.

Once the beer was flowing, plenty of mayhem ensued:

A typical resident of Brown Mountain

Every Rabbi dreams of bending over a Nun

Jews have been taking it in the ass all throughout history

At one point during the party, I was showing off the brutality of my 840 Watt surround sound system by blasting Slayer really loud. Well, if there's one thing cranky old trailer park ladies don't like, it's Slayer. Around 10:45, someone told me a cop was at the door. I looked out the window and saw a guy with the word "POLICE" emblazoned across his chest. I questioned whether it was a real cop or someone in a costume who wanted to party. It was a real cop.

I stepped out to talk to him and he informed me two people complained about my loud music. But, he seemed to be more annoyed that someone called in since he had already been on a couple noise complaint calls. He understood that people wanted to party on Halloween weekend and almost seemed like he wished he could be getting hammered instead of working. Besides, the noise ordinance starts at fucking 11 PM so I couldn't even get a ticket for it. He told me to keep it down and have fun, then went on his way. Now the mayhem could continue:

Bacon = Rabbi Repellant

Another typical resident of Brown Mountain

Towards the end of the party, I for some reason decided that many beers, shots of Jaegermeister, Rum Chata, and homemade Apple Pie weren't enough. I decided to bust out the bottle of Jack Daniels' I was given for a birthday gift and drink it straight. That was a horrible idea. Some time after everyone left when I was passing out on my couch, I puked my guts out.

In the end it was a fitting celebration of the 26th anniversary of the birth of Trailer Park Charlie. The ensuing hangover was a wicked one that is normally only reserved for New Years Day. It was one of those "I'm never drinking again" kind of days. But don't worry, that sentiment didn't last. After all, I have a reputation to uphold!

Brown Mountain Police Blotter Roundup #3

2011-08-15T22:03:00.004-05:00

It's been a while, but it's time once again for Brown Mountain Police Blotter Roundup! After reading many of these tales from the actual Jackson PD "Notable Incidents" site, I find myself really wanting to meet the person who writes them. They seem to have almost as much fun with it as I do.

On April 14 at 6 PM, Deputy Parkinson stopped an intoxicated driver in the McDonald's parking lot, and Officer Foeger went to assist. After arresting the 27-year-old man, Officer Foeger was asked to go to his grandmother’s residence in Brown Mountain in hopes that she could pick the man up after his chemical test. Grandma could be seen looking through the window at the officer but refused to open the door.

I've been drunk and gone to McDonald's plenty of times, but never as early as 6 PM! That would totally suck if you had the "drunchies" and got all the way to McDonald's only to have some asshole cop stop you. Then to have your grandma turn her back on you only makes it worse. Come on Granny, that's just cold!

At about 4 PM, Officer Fristed and Chief Dolnick were dispatched to a domestic violence in-progress at a Brown Mountain residence. A 40-year-old man was detained as he was walking from the area. He said that he had left after getting into an altercation with his wife because she would not give him the checkbook. He tried to grab the keys to her van in hopes that she would exchange the checkbook for them. She responded by slamming the door on his arm, grabbing him by the back of the shirt, and yanking his hair. The shirt was stretched at the neck and the man had a knot on his arm where it had been slammed in the door. Officer Foeger arrived to assist, and eventually the 32-year-old woman was arrested for domestic violence.

What a great childish move by this dude. The old "You won't gimme so I'm taking this from you, stupid head!" ploy. If your wife has the checkbook AND the van, she has all the power. Who knows what crazy shit she'll go buy from Goodwill. I'm thinking if the wife was able to grab the back of his shirt AND yank his hair at the same time, the husband must have a classic trailer park mullet! The guy should really take the checkbook and buy some of those Hanes shirts with collars that don't stretch (the ones that Michael Jordan is whoring all the time).

On April 13 at 12:44 AM, Officer Laabs and Officer Borkowski were dispatched to a Brown Mountain residence regarding a 59-year-old man who was extremely intoxicated. His ex-wife and daughter reported that the man had been released from the VA Hospital after treatment for intoxication. The man was barely able to stand and was talking with heavily slurred speech. His behavior wavered between being calm and having fits of rage. When he sat down on his bed, he reached underneath and pulled out a can of beer but was told he couldn't have it.

I say that's an Epic Fail on the part of the VA Hospital. Whatever the hell kind of "treatment" they did sure didn't work. This guy gave me a great idea though - keep beer under my bed! Whether I need one to fall asleep or one to kill the hangover in the morning, it's all within immediate reach!

On May 21 at 6:42 AM, a 45-year-old Brown Mountain man, with whom we are very familiar, reported that his girlfriend was parked in his driveway threatening suicide. For unknown reasons, the man drove to the Sheriff's Department in West Bend to report this instead of phoning. Officer Fristed found the woman asleep in the car, and she assured him that she was not suicidal, had no intention of harming herself, and never told the man otherwise. The man disappeared from the Sheriff's Department lobby. His 45-year-old girlfriend, however, was arrested on a warrant from Germantown and taken to County Jail.

There's my favorite phrase again - "...with whom we are very familiar..." This is just an overall bizarre story. It would take almost 15 minutes to drive to the Sheriff's department from here. If someone is about to kill themselves in your driveway, why in the hell would you do that? I also love how he "disappeared" from the lobby like he's fucking Houdini.

On May 8 at about 11:14 PM, Officers Krueger and Laabs were dispatched to a Hemlock Street apartment where a 21-year-old intoxicated woman was allegedly found in a vehicle and tried to drive off with one of her children. The officers were met outside by the 22-year-old boyfriend and they could hear the woman through an open window yelling into a phone. He said that the woman hit him in the face with her purse, causing it to bleed. The woman said that she'd been celebrating Mother's Day at her mother's residence in the Brown Mountain trailer park and returned home to find the man with a group of friends. This offended her and she ordered everyone out. She denied hitting the boyfriend with her purse but had no explanation how his lip got cut. Witnesses corroborated the man's story and the woman was arrested for domestic violence.

It sounds like this woman and her mom did a little too much "celebrating" for Mother's Day. I don't think the child was in the mood to celebrate with its intoxicated mom by speeding off away from daddy. What a bitch this bitch is, the husband can't even have friends over while she's gone. What a pussy the boyfriend is though, getting hit with a purse then whining to the cops about it. Douche.

On June 8 at 6:40 PM, a 17-year-old Chestnut Court resident told Officer Foeger that a 17-year-old Brown Mountain girl had tried to choke him while holding a large rock. The young man said that the dispute was over a drug deal that went bad. The girl had no hesitation confirming this, saying that she gave the complainant $105 to purchase marijuana, which she then intended to sell. Later, the complainant told her that he'd been held up at gunpoint at a Jackson apartment, and was relieved of the money before the deal was consummated with the unknown dealer. Not surprisingly, the girl believed this was a ruse, and the man had just kept the money for himself. She confronted him while holding a large rock and grabbed him by the throat. He indignantly replied, "What? You want to get shot?" She believed, therefore, that the complainant was in the wrong. No further action was taken.

WAIT A FREAKING MINUTE! These two stupid teens admitted to setting up a drug deal, which resulted in violence, and "no further action was taken"??? Am I missing something? I think there were more "large rocks" in this story, and they were smoked by the police.

Charlie vs. Heating and Cooling - Part 2

2011-07-19T21:26:00.003-05:00

If you remember back to the original Charlie vs. Heating and Cooling, my ancient central air conditioning unit died a terrible death last year. After having saved what I hoped would be enough to pay for a new one this year, I began pursuing it when the hot weather hit. I was fed up with the incompetent buffoonery I experienced with Doug the AC Guy and Whenever We Feel Like It Heating & Cooling. I decided to contact a guy I knew from high school who happened to have a job selling what I needed. Just to show him that I didn't want to deal with any bullshit, I even directed him to my blog so he could see what I'd been through. Little did I know I would be in for more bullshit, and it wouldn't even be their fault.

When Doug the AC Guy first came out to look at my AC, he said my unit was 1.5 ton and replacing it would be around $1,000. But since Doug is a fucking moron, this wasn't even close to true. When I had the guy out from Whenever We Feel Like It to look at my furnace, I mentioned that my AC was toast. He said I would have to replace the compressor as well as the refrigerant coil because of some new hippie government regulation forcing them to use more environmentally friendly coolant. Ok, fine...

So when I contacted Bryan from Williams Heating Service, I told him what the deal was and what I thought I needed. He came out to check it out and found that my old unit was actually a 2.5 ton (therefore, more expensive). In order to replace it, and do all the electrical and line work, I was looking at $2,500. I wasn't enthused about spending $1,500 more than I thought, but it wasn't the end of the world.

A little further along in the process, Bryan needed the specifications of my furnace since it sat on top of the refrigerant coil, and it holds the fan that blows stuff (as if a fan has any other function...) When he got back to me after looking at the specs, he had some bad news. My current furnace was not rated nor even legal to have in a mobile home. It was smaller than normal trailer furnaces since and was more for heating a garage or small cabin. Because of liability issues, Williams understandably didn't want to work on it without replacing the furnace as well. FUCKING ASS COLON BREATH!

Whichever dickhead put the furnace in before either didn't know or didn't care that it wasn't legally rated for a trailer. They just wanted something cheap. My brain went back in to its archives and played back a distinct memory for me - Dick (the previous owner of my trailer) showing me around the house and telling me how he put the furnace in himself and built the closet around it. DICK WAS THAT DICKHEAD!!! Considering what a hack he was, I'm sure he knew the furnace was undersized and didn't give a shit. I guess Dick must be used to having things that are smaller than normal size... Somehow this fact also eluded the jackass home inspector. When he came through, the only thing he had an issue with was literally how many centimeters the newly rebuilt deck stairs were off the ground. The need to build the stairs yet again almost made me miss my closing date. But yet he managed to overlook the goddamn illegal furnace...

What did all this mean for me? If I wanted a new frosty cold central air conditioner, I would have to get a new furnace too. This caused the price of everything to bloat to $5,000 (that was even a good deal because of me going thru Bryan). By this point I was pissed, but I also knew I pretty much didn't have a choice. I know this might disappoint all of you, but I don't plan on being trailer trash forever! Whenever I decide to sell this place, I would have a hard time doing so with a rusty old dead air conditioner sitting outside and illegal furnace inside. So since I had to replace everything, I decided I might as well do it now so I can enjoy it while I'm here.

We worked out the rest of the deal and got the contract done. Bryan and his crew came and installed everything over the course of a day. When I came home, I was greeted with a sensation that felt like taking a big bite out of a glacier. I had a functional air conditioner, and it was as cold as the arctic. I have yet to pay a dime for any of it, but I know that bill for 5 G's is ominously lurking like Nobama outside Ms. D's bedroom window. In the meantime, I am basking in its frigid glory during this nasty heat wave. The polar ice caps may be melting, but new ones are forming inside my trailer. Soon, National Geographic will be tracking polar bears making a pilgrimage to Brown Mountain Trailer Park.

If you find yourself going through the same crap as me, I recommend contacting Bryan H. at Williams Heating Service. They had the great service I sorely needed! Tell 'em Trailer Park Charlie sent ya!

Nobama Loves His Mama

2011-05-17T21:18:00.004-05:00

Despite being a child molesting stalker creep, Nobama is still a mama's boy at heart. He drives all the way from Michigan quite often to visit her and help her out with things around the house. It comes at no small risk to him, either. Nobama claims to have a condition with his neck/spinal cord that is bad enough that he could DIE if it gets hit or slips out of place. Because of this, he is often seen wearing a neck brace, which can be a funny sight. Remember - He looks like the Unabomber without a beard:

A couple weeks ago, I saw him walking his mom's dog. He was wearing his neck brace and a hideous striped sweater, while his mom walked beside him pushing a walker. If I had to guess, his mom must have bought him the sweater thinking he would look "adorable" in it. Then to make her think he likes it and wears it regularly, he wore it to her house. (Don't deny it, all of us have worn ugly clothing around relatives simply because they bought it for us as a gift and we don't want them to feel bad.)

Nobama must have REALLY wanted to show appreciation for his mama this past Mother's Day. As I was trying to sleep that morning, I could hear an intermittent grinding sound accompanied by something mechanical. When I was leaving for Illinois to visit my own mother, I saw the source of the noise. Nobama, wearing his neck brace, was out in front of his mom's house - with a chainsaw - chopping up a huge downed tree limb. What an incredibly amusing sight that was. If your neck is so bad that you have to wear a neck brace and you could die, what on earth are you doing out chainsawing a tree limb on Mother's Day?!?

While I found the scene funny, I can only imagine what Ms. D thought when she saw her psycho handicapped stalker brandishing a chainsaw in the middle of our neighborhood. I have seen her alive since then, so I know he didn't chop her up and hide her in the huge pile of wood he left by the curb. But it could have only been practice for him. If he can chop up a tree in his neck brace, imagine what he could do to Ms. D! If I wake up to chainsaw noises again and hear screams, I will immediately know what's happening.

Walter's Woes Update: Walter's Dodge Journey is back! He said he "got rid of it" after his last girlfriend moved out. Then he was driving that Buick around. One day, the Journey was suddenly parked in his driveway again and the Buick was nowhere to be found. Curious, I asked him how he got it back. Apparently him "getting rid of it" meant hiding it in a storage garage. He filed for bankruptcy and isn't making payments on the Dodge, so it's going to get repossessed, just not yet! He blew a brake line on the Buick (see, I told you Buicks are garbage!) so the Dodge was the only thing he has left to drive. Well, at least until some strong men come and take it away.

Walter's Woes #3

2011-04-05T22:20:00.002-05:00

Since his ex-wife declared herself a lesbian and divorced him, my next-door neighbor Walter has certainly had his share of ups and downs in the Female Department. First there was the girl who lived with him for a couple weeks, then went back to her abusive ex-boyfrend from Chicago (although she texted Walter and claimed to still love him). Then there was the psycho drunk lady who lived with him for a short while until she vaulted over my fence one night while trying to evade the cops.

About 9 months ago, Walter started having yet another lady frequent his house. This one was homelier and heavier than the others. In an event that should come as a surprise to no one, she moved in with him shortly after. I expected that it would be another short-lived ordeal that would end with hilarious results. I was wrong.

Things seemed to be going great for them for a long time (by Walter's standards). They got a dog and a brand new Dodge SUV together. They never had the cops show up. Walter would park in the middle spot and let her park in the driveway (what a guy!) Surely they were living in perfect harmony. Well, apparently not.

I was taking my garbage out one night when I noticed Walter in the parking lot looking at a car with a flashlight. I asked him what he was up to and he said he was transferring license plates to his "new" car. It was a 1994 Buick that he bought from some old lady for $1000. I know that Buick is supposed to be a "luxury" car, but I swear that 90% of the ones I see are old rusty hunks of shit driven by either old ladies, members of local heavy metal bands, or high school students.

It seemed odd that Walter was transferring plates from his nice new SUV to this shitpile. But then he gave me the big news: He and his girlfriend had broken up! Oh no! She would be moving out, but not until April 1st (he told me this on March 8th). That would make for almost a whole month of awkward. He wouldn't be able to keep up the payments on the Dodge by himself so he had to get rid of it. Thus, his purchase of a cheap-ass Buick. Their family was being broken up as well - they got rid of their dog! I was fine with that, though. The one time I took my dog to their house, his bastard dog tried to rip mine to shreds.

Last week, it became apparent that his former lady-friend was actually leaving. I kept seeing her leave with carloads of belongings. When some guys showed up with a moving truck on Saturday, I really started to wonder just how much shit she had there. Was she even leaving Walter with anything or was he being his pushover-self and giving stuff away to her?

She might have taken a lot of crap after their little breakup, but there is one thing she didn't take - Walter's 2000 Inch TV. Ok, it's more like 55 inches. But Walter has this massive HDTV that faces directly towards my kitchen window. Since he pretty much never has his blinds closed, I don't have curtains, and he is ALWAYS FUCKING WATCHING TV, I constantly get a blinding glare from it in my house. If I have most of my lights off, his TV makes it look like there is a lightning storm happening next door. He's always watching something lame too, so it's not like I can be entertained through my kitchen window. If he were to combine his blinding TV with (former owner of his house) Mildred's insanely loud TV, they could assault two of my five senses at once.

So, where does Walter go from here? History-based logic would conclude he will get desperate again and let some other drifter hag move in with him. I predict it will happen within 2.5 months. Time to wait and see!

Brown Mountain Police Blotter Roundup #2

2011-02-24T00:51:00.002-06:00

The Brown Mountain Police Blotter Roundup is back with even more harrowing tales of trailer park misdeeds! Enough wasting time, let's get started!

On November 21 at 1:21 AM, Officer Gerke and Officer Laabs were dispatched to a Brown Mountain residence where a 38-year-old woman had made three 911 phone calls. The dispatcher reported that the woman appeared to be intoxicated and distraught because her ex-boyfriend had been arrested for drunk driving earlier in the evening and was now threatening to harm her cat and key her car. At the residence, they found the woman to be intoxicated, crying, and mumbling incoherently about her cat and other issues. Her male roommate agreed to keep her off of the cell phone. The Sheriff's Department was asked to make contact at the ex-boyfriend's house and direct him to stop calling this woman because it was upsetting her.

I don't know about you, but if I ever get arrested for drunk driving, I'm DEFINITELY taking it out on my ex-girlfriend, her cat, and her car. Makes perfect sense to me. It seems to be a theme with these stories where the person calling the cops is completely obliterated and incoherent. I guess that's just how you deal with stress around here?

On November 29 at 1:48 AM a 19-year-old Brown Mountain woman requested help, stating that her husband was out of control and prevented her from leaving the residence. Officer Laabs and Officer Gerke met her outside, where she said that her husband got upset because she was texting with a friend. She also said that her husband is bipolar and not taking medication. The husband said that he was upset because his wife received a message at 1 AM from an 18-year-old man inviting her to "hang". This made him upset, telling her, "this kid is underage, you're drinking with him, and spending nights there while we have a young baby". He said that he did not threaten her or have any physical contact, nor did he lose control. The man's brother, who was visiting, verified this. Although the woman claimed that she was going to leave the residence for the night and stay at her mother's home, it was later determined that she did go to visit the 18-year-old.

Obviously a husband that gets angry about his wife hanging out with some other guy in the middle of the night has to be bipolar and not taking his meds! What other explanation could there be? I like how he takes the moral high ground and calls his 19 year old wife out on underage drinking with a minor. Maybe your wife just doesn't want to drink alone. Have you ever considered that, buddy? While you are being a stick in the mud and taking care of the baby, she just wants to have a little fun. Oh, and this 18 year old dude probably is just concerned and doesn't want her to drive home while drunk. So, that's why she stays over there for the night. Chill the fuck out and take your pills, man.

On December 5 at 7:42 PM, Officer Wrucke met with a 33-year-old Brown Mountain woman, whom we are familiar with, regarding a man who was harassing her. She had been dating this person "off and on" for a couple of weeks after meeting him via a "date line". She was upset at the number of phone calls and text messages he was now sending her. At the officer's request, the woman sent the man a text message asking him to call. Officer Wrucke answered and explained the situation. The man replied that he was concerned because the complainant was, "hanging out with people who were going down to Milwaukee to buy drugs". Since the complainant was not willing to limit her contact with this person, there was nothing further that could be done to assist her.

You have to love that phrase "whom we are familiar with". The cops were "familiar with" Walter's crazy ex-girlfriend, and she was a lot of fun. This story proves that people actually do call those dating lines you see advertised on late-night TV! You know, the ones where a ridiculously hot girl is "feeling lonely" so she calls an 800 number and talks to some hunk. Given that, the two people involved in this story must be incredibly good-looking (and have all their teeth!) I like the little trick they played on the poor guy. He got a text that he should call the girl. Then he does call and it's some police officer! If that doesn't kill your wood, I don't know what does. But then after all that, she didn't want to stop talking to the guy. I guess they must be a match made in Dating Line Heaven!

On December 7 at 3:00 AM, the Menomonee Falls Police Department broadcast information about several gas stations that had been burglarized that night, with the suspect vehicle possibly being a dark minivan similar to a Dodge Caravan. The suspects were dressed in dark clothing and stealing cigarettes. At about 3:49 AM, Officer Henning observed a vehicle matching that description driving slowly on Main Street, pull into a closed convenience store and then exit, then continue driving slowly on Main Street, and then enter Brown Mountain where it was stopped. Officer Laabs arrived to assist. The driver was a 53-year-old Milwaukee woman. The lone passenger was a 45-year-old Brown Mountain man who was arrested last month for burglary and is an admitted crack cocaine user. The woman's pupils were dilated and she seemed agitated and excited. The woman became upset and accused the officer of harassing her. Officer Henning tried to explain that her vehicle's description and her unusual driving made it necessary for him to make sure it wasn't connected with the Menomonee Falls incidents. However, the woman remained upset. In speaking to the passenger, Officer Henning observed that he, too, had dilated pupils and was agitated. This, plus physical signs in their mouths and tongues, suggested that both subjects were under the influence of crack cocaine. A search of the vehicle turned up a crack pipe and associated tools, but no cocaine. The driver was arrested for possession of drug paraphernalia. While en route to the County Jail, the woman constantly berated Officer Henning for harassing her and that he was, "an ass and embarrassment". The woman called Chief Dolnick the next day to complain that she had been racially profiled.

Crackheads in Brown Mountain! That's a new one. Why were these people only stealing cigarettes? At least get some beef jerky or Funyuns or something while you're at it. This story amuses me because of how this cracked-out lady played the Race Card. I'm sure racial profiling happens in plenty of small, predominantly white towns. But I'm also sure that if Officer Henning saw a shitty-ass Dodge Caravan driving suspiciously at 3:49 AM, pulled it over, and found two white people on an all-night burglary/crack binge, he wouldn't just apologize for the inconvenience and let them go. People like this stupid lady are the reason racial profiling happens - they live out the stereotype, which forces others to think that all people of that race might be doing illegal shit too. I'm not saying it's fair whatsoever, but there is a reason it happens.

On December 11 at 1 AM, a Brown Mountain man reported that his 19-year-old wife was attempting to enter their residence with numerous other underage subjects, all of whom had been drinking. Officer Henning and Officer Fristed arrived and intercepted a truck containing Wife and three men and another woman. The wife said that she had returned home to pick up her dog, alleging that both she and the dog are beaten by the husband. Four of the vehicle occupants, including the wife, were underage and had been drinking, and were cited. Since the driver had not been drinking and there was no reason to hold anyone, they were allowed to leave.

Hmmm, 19 year old wife drinking with other minors... I'm gonna go out on a limb and say this is the same couple that were referenced before! This time the husband was trying to keep her OUT of the house! All she wanted to do was pick up her poor abused dog (the husband is a bipolar maniac, remember) and have it join their little underage party. Seriously though, if you marry a 19 year old crazy girl, shouldn't you be expecting things like this to happen? I wouldn't know, because I'm not that stupid.

Charlie vs. Heating and Cooling

2011-01-26T23:11:00.005-06:00

Last May when the weather started heating up, I did what any sane person would do - cranked on my central air conditioner! But one day when I arrived home from work, my trailer was downright sweltering. I went outside to inspect my AC unit, only to find it was hot enough to grill a rabbit on and was making a horrible noise. Disgruntled, I decided to call a local repairman to come check it out. My AC unit looked to be about as old as Agnes so I wasn't very optimistic.

This ancient hunk of shit finally kicked the bucket.

The place I called said they would contact someone and have him get a hold of me. Shortly after, I heard from Doug the AC Guy. He said he was on a call an hour away but would head over by me after that. I gave him my address and told him it was in the trailer park. He said "That's in Menomonee Falls, right?" Me: "No, it's in Jackson..." (Their office is based in Jackson, so, it shouldn't be confusing...)

Two hours go by and finally Doug the AC Guy calls me back. He says he is in Menomonee Falls and can't find where I live. Me: "No, it's in Jackson!" Doug: "Oh, well I'll get back on the freeway and be there soon." Jesus christ.

45 minutes later Doug finally shows up in the right town and arrives at my house. He is an older, portly, highly freckled man. I take him out back by the unit and he struggles to figure out how to get the case off. He finally does, and after having me turn the AC on and off a few times, he was able to determine that the compressor motor was seized up and my air conditioner was fucked. Doug estimated it would be about $1,000 to put a new one in. He said if I called him when he was back at the office, he could look one up for me on the computer. He then informed me about this new awesome technology they use where "They have this web site, and I log in with my name and pick a password, and I can look at all the units right there from the computer!" Impressive! Maybe next your company can invest IN A FUCKING GPS FOR YOU!

At first I thought I was going to replace my air conditioner right away, but I had just dropped $1,200 on vehicle repairs so blowing another grand didn't sound appealing. Then I got a crazy idea - I should see if I can make it through the summer with no air conditioner! Then I can save money and get one next year! It was pretty brutal at times, but I managed to survive. I was happy if it was in the low 80's inside my house. I contemplated bottling and selling my ball sweat since I was producing so much of it. Would you buy Trailer Park Charlie's Bottled Ball Sweat?

Flash-forward to last week. I came home from work, and this time found that it was 45 fucking degrees in my house! I could see my breath. This time, something was wrong with the damn furnace. I contacted another local business called One Hour Heating & Air Conditioning. Their tagline is "Always on time, or you don't pay a dime!" I thought "Cool, someone can be here in an hour to check this shit out." Well, as it would turn out, that is incredibly misleading.

I placed my initial call to them at 6:46 PM and told them it was fucking freezing in my house. They said I would be next in line for one of their techs, and they would call me when he was on his way. I cranked on the oven and a space heater to help warm up the house and started waiting... and waiting...

I was getting pissed so I decided to run to Walgreens for some beer (yes, the Walgreens near me sells beer). They had this massive stack of cans on display for a beer I have never heard of - Big Flats (an excellent oxymoron). It was only $2.99 for a 6-pack! I don't usually drink super-cheap beer, but since I was about to be raped by a furnace repair bill, I decided I would give it a shot. It was surprisingly not terrible. It reminds me of Old Style.

You haven't lived until you've experienced Big Flats!

Back at home and armed with beer, I still hadn't heard from these One Hour assholes. It was now 8:54 PM so I called them again. They said they would have their "dispatcher" call me shortly. Three minutes later, a lady calls and says the next technician is finishing up with a call, and will be there in an hour at the latest. She would call me when he is on his way. Inquisitive, I asked, "So when does this one hour guarantee actually start?" The lady said "Well, when you called, you were put on Standby, so we weren't able to determine an actual arrival time. That guarantee is not valid in your situation." FUCK THAT! They didn't call me back for over two hours, I have to wait another hour, and your stupid guarantee that is the foundation of your business isn't even valid??? That is such bullshit. They should change their name to Whenever the Hell We Get Around to It Heating & Air Conditioning.

9:58 PM: The dispatcher calls me back and says the tech is on his way and will be there very soon!

10:22 PM: The tech FINALLY arrives (although he marked it as 10:15 on the invoice). He messes around with the furnace for a while and tries to get it running. He pulls out the "flame sensor" (another word for Gaydar?) and shows me how dirty it his, which causes the furnace to not ignite. He also cleans out the gas intake valves because a bunch of dust and gunk has built up in them. Finally he gets the furnace firing up right and tells me to replace the filter and keep dust from building up in it. Ok, fine. Easy enough. That wasn't much work so this is cheap, right? (Technically, it should be free?) $292.51 ends up being the total for this guy to show up 3 hours 36 minutes after my initial call, clean a couple things, and tell me that dust is bad. FUCK! I think One Hour should change their slogan to "We won't be on time, and you'll pay 2,925 dimes!"

When this summer finally rolls around, I certainly will not be looking to Doug the AC Guy or "One Hour" Heating & Air Conditioning to replace my AC unit.

Brown Mountain Police Blotter Roundup #1

2011-01-09T21:07:00.005-06:00

With all the drama happening at the Pub lately, I feel like I've really been neglecting the heart & soul of this blog - my crazy neighbors! Fear not, that neglect ends now!

Back in August, I shared the official police tale of Walter's crazy ex-girlfriend. It was taken directly from the Jackson PD's own list of "Notable Incidents". Since that time, they have posted even more hilarious incidents that have taken place in Brown Mountain. One of them even includes two of my favorite neighbors - Agnes and Ms. D! Those two are far from best friends, and have a colorful history of incidents.

On October 6 at 4:11 PM, Officer Foeger met with a Brown Mountain resident who said that an 80-year-old neighbor (Agnes) had followed her (Ms. D) while she was mowing her lawn because the grass clippings were flying on the other side of the property. A day later, there was a confrontation between the two concerning the complainant's use of a crow caller, which she uses to scare the squirrels away because they carry disease.

Oh those pesky grass clippings! Nobody wants those in their yard, let alone ones that your neighbor has mowed! Seriously though, this is proof that Agnes looks for anything to bitch about. Is Ms. D supposed to make sure grass only flies towards her house when she mows? And then control the weather so wind doesn't blow them towards Agnes? Then the next day, Ms. D was harmlessly blowing a crow call at squirrels because those things are always assaulting people around here and giving them diseases and such (sounds like Nobama!) I wish I would have seen Ms. D doing that, it sounds hilarious. I remember her telling me earlier in the year that she was thinking of getting a paintball gun to keep the squirrels away. I guess Agnes would rather have a pack of killer squirrels living in the tree between their trailers...

The older woman said she was upset that a complaint had been filed with the police department. Later, the complainant asked that no further action be taken as long as she wasn't harassed in the future. There have been mutual complaints about harassment and disorderly conduct between these and other residents in this particular section of Brown Mountain for many years.

HAHAHAHA, that last sentence sums up just how expansive their rivalry is. Agnes apparently got a little cranky that Ms. D called the cops on her for following and yelling at her. But, in her mind it was perfectly justifiable to call the cops on Ms. D during "The Cookie Incident". Oh, that Agnes, such a handful.

There are also a few other choice stories in the log that involve people I don't know (although after reading these I would like to get to know them!)

On October 2 at 10 PM, Officer Wrucke met Jackson Fire Rescue at a Brown Mountain residence regarding a 45-year-old woman who was intoxicated and consumed an unknown number of prescription pills. The woman was transported to the hospital. Two days later, Officer Borkowski transferred the woman from the hospital to a psychiatric inpatient unit.

Ok, so this is your standard everyday "Crazy middle-aged drunk lady swallows a bunch of pills, so we throw her in the Psych Ward" type incident. BUT WAIT - there's more!

At 7:53 PM, Officer Wrucke returned to the Brown Mountain residence where he'd been the day before because the 18-year-old son had now attempted suicide by taking prescription medication belonging to his mother, who was still hospitalized. The man stated that he was upset because his ex-girlfriend had kissed two other men and because of his mother's commitment the previous day. Officer Wrucke conveyed the man to an inpatient mental health Center in Fond du Lac County, returning to the station at approximately 1:30 AM.

What a family! They both have a genetic predisposition to eating pills like they're Sweet Tarts. Not only was his mommy still in the hospital, HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND KISSED NOT ONE, BUT TWO GUYS!!! If that's not a reason to kill yourself, I don't know what is. Then to top it off, he didn't succeed and ended up in the loony bin just like his mom! Maybe they got to hang out with each other.

10/18 - At 11:13 PM, Officers Foeger, Gerke, and Laabs were dispatched to Brown Mountain regarding a prowler who was crawling between two trailers. A 50-year-old resident said that he and a friend had been watching television. A third man invited three women to "hang out" for the evening. The complainant and his friend were so intoxicated that it was difficult to understand what they were saying, however it appeared that they were upset about the uninvited guests.

I'll get to the "prowler" crawling between the trailers in a minute. But first, what the fuck is wrong with these guys? A dude shows up with three chicks who want to "hang out" and they throw a fit? Bring 'em over to my place! People never show up here with bitches who wanna hang. Dumbasses.

Eventually the women left, but the man sat in a chair outside the trailer, refusing to leave. His presence was not welcomed because he’s thought to be a cocaine user. It was this man who had been crawling between the trailers. Officer Laabs found the man walking on Industrial Drive. Because the man was heavily intoxicated, he was arrested for violation of probation as a non-drinker.

So the guy likes to "powder his nose" a little? That's no reason to kick him and his hoes out! As for crawling between trailers, well that's kinda creepy.

At 8:05 PM, Officer Henning was told by a Brown Mountain woman that her estranged husband was repeatedly calling her cell phone from Arkansas. During these calls the man threatened to blow up the woman's house and claimed that he had a weapon. When contacted by telephone, the intoxicated man first denied making these calls, and then he admitted making them but said that he was misunderstood about blowing up the house.

Man, doesn't it suck when you are misunderstood? Of course this man wasn't threatening his estranged wife from Arkansas, that would just be silly! What he really said was "I'm sending a blowup doll to your house, and I have a weapon - IN MY PANTS!" He was just trying to be romantic and these asshole cops had to get involved.

Later, the man called Officer Henning's cell phone 30 times, making various belligerent statements and demands. The citation was mailed to the man for telephone harassment. The next day, Chief Dolnick contacted the man, who by then was sober and apologetic for his actions. The man is a convicted felon in Arkansas and, after being contacted by this department, the Jefferson County Sheriff's Department in Pine Bluff interviewed him about his threats.

Ok, so, getting in trouble with the cops is one thing. But if you are a convicted felon, calling a cop's phone 30 times and threatening him is probably not the greatest idea (but then again, nobody from Arkansas has ever been accused of being smart.) But at least he made up for it the next day by saying "Sorrrrry guys. I was a little drunk last night and got a tad bit upset. But we're cool, right?"

On October 21 at around 6 PM, a Brown Mountain resident complained that he had loaned a changing table to a neighbor in January and was now unable to get it back. Officer Borkowski explained that this was a civil matter, but she would try to resolve the problem. When contacted, the other woman said that the complainant had sold her the table for $25 so he could buy beer. She was tired of all the phone calls and they could have the table back.

HAHAHAHAHA, this is brilliant! "SHIT! I don't have any money for beer! Let's see, what is there around here that I could sell.... OH! The baby's changing table! I could get $25 for this! That's enough for a shitload of PBR!" Then October rolls around and he and his fat toothless woman popped out another waste of a kid, but they no longer have a changing table! So the simple solution is to harass the lady you sold it to until she gives it back! It worked too, he now has the changing table to sell again for more beer money!

Jackson Pub Can Go To Hell

2010-12-26T20:51:00.003-06:00

The final straw has been reached in my friends and I's recent foibles at the Jackson Pub. The camel's vertebrae have been crushed, and he ain't getting up. A group of us went out there for yet another birthday party in hopes that recent drama wouldn't be repeated. As it turns out, this outing was the worst one yet.

Right off the bat on this night, shit went awry. I walked in and ordered my first beer. Literally right after taking my initial sip, the owner of the pub ("The Owner") came over and took it away from me. One of the bartenders had alerted him to my presence. I hadn't encountered this guy before, but it didn't take me long to realize I didn't care for him. He brought up my original run-in with The Bouncer. He then informed me that "Your dad has been sending threatening e-mails here saying he is going to sue us and all this bullshit. If I get one more of those e-mails, you're not allowed in here any more and I'm turning over the e-mails to the cops." This was all news to me. Apparently someone with specific knowledge of the events of that night (basically, someone who read my blog post about it) was harassing the pub while claiming to be my dad. If it's you, knock it the fuck off. If you are going to do shit like that, don't say that you're my dad.

I had been there 5 minutes and the buzz I didn't even get a chance to work up was already killed. I didn't really give a crap if he turned the e-mails over to the cops because I had nothing to do with it (and there is nothing illegal about writing a blog), plus Jackson PD sucks at life anyway. I just didn't want to be banned from the bar forever. But later on in the night, my attitude on that would completely reverse.

It was the official Christmas Party for the pub, so the place was packed. A guy dressed as Santa was handing out candy from his magical sack. People were doing annoying karaoke (including The Bouncer taking time out of his busy schedule to sing a stirring rendition of Snoop Dogg's Gin n' Juice). My friends and I were celebrating a girl's 22nd birthday the only way we knew how - buying a bunch of shots. She can definitely drink, but being 110 pounds only allows for so much liquor to be absorbed before the body rejects it. Her boyfriend took her to the bathroom to make sure she expelled what she needed to. Things like this happen all the time at a bar, including when I am the one barfing.

After the purge, we were sitting around at a table. She was talking normally with us and drinking water, but then shit got weird. She suddenly fell over like she had fainted. Her boyfriend propped her up as we all gathered around concerned. After a minute or so, she suddenly woke up and said "I'm OK!" as if nothing happened. But then she kept drifting in and out of consciousness. She got up to go to the bathroom, walked halfway across the bar, then collapsed. Something was clearly wrong with her outside of being drunk.

Some of us helped her along. The Owner saw this happening and came over to show what an incredible prick he was. He got in her face and said "You are on drugs!!! There's no way you are just drunk!" He kept getting on her case, calling her a 22 year-old amateur and saying she was "faking it" (which totally pissed all of us off in the process). Her sister-in-law finally got her to the bathroom but The Owner, now accompanied by his hired thug The Bouncer, wanted them out of the bar. He flung the bathroom door open and started screaming for them to leave. Her boyfriend and brother were now really angry and ready to start a brawl with The Owner and The Bouncer. They resisted, but were informed they had to leave too and were no longer welcome there. There was a back door right by the bathrooms, and The Owner kicked them out into the cold, without even showing concern for the birthday girl, who clearly was having serious issues. The Bouncer followed them in to the parking lot to ensure they got in their car and left.

A few of us, including me, were still at the bar, angry, and ready to leave. My buddies Brentron and Don tried having a civil conversation with The Owner to tell him how much bullshit that was and that we wouldn't be coming back to his bar. The Owner, still in Super Asshole Mode, told us flat-out that they didn't need our business, they do just fine without us, and that "You are the kind of people we don't want in here!" So, I guess "the kind of people" he doesn't want in his bar are the ones that have been coming there for years, have celebrated three birthdays over a month and a half span there, spend hundreds of dollars on booze, games, and the jukebox each time, and once in a while do something like pee on a tree, put their ass on the pool table, or get an innocent girl trashed on her birthday to the point she can't stand up. Yeah, motherfucker, we are the absolute scum of the earth that don't belong in your bar. I'm no business expert, but I think telling your loyal customers that you don't need their business would be near the top on any "Things Not To Do as a Business Owner" list.

The poor girl who just wanted to celebrate had a rough rest of the night. She got somewhere safe but still kept losing consciousness. The next day we came to the conclusion that someone must have put something in one of her drinks. The symptoms she was experiencing are classically associated with roofies. Coincidentally, she said the only time she left a drink somewhere that wasn't with her friends at the table was when she asked The Bouncer to hold one while she went to the bathroom. Obviously we can't prove anything, but that is incredibly sketchy. She is lucky that she was with good friends who had good intentions. Otherwise The Owner could have just thrown her out on the street with someone who was going to do something bad. Did you ever consider that, you dickhead?

So, my friends and I are swearing off the Jackson Pub for good. It's not THAT cool of a place that I would have any qualms about going to another bar. It was like picking the nicest turd out of a pile of shit. There is a new bar that opened up down the road from it, perhaps one that isn't run and regulated by douchebags. Will we be putting the Pub out of business? No. Will we be greatly cutting in to their profits? No. But this is a small town and word spreads quickly. If fun-loving, hard-drinking people like my friends and I keep getting involved in bullshit there, slowly they will lose their core customer base. For a place that recently did extensive renovations, I'm sure they could use all the money they can get to pay that off. None of that will be coming from me any more.

I would be delighted if you would join me in my boycott of the Jackson Pub!

Zack's Ass vs. The Bouncer

2010-12-07T22:44:00.003-06:00

As I have stated before, I love me some Jackson Pub and not even an incident with the one I call "The Bouncer" could keep me away. My return there was inevitable, and apparently, so was The Bouncer being a punk-ass.

The event was another friend's birthday party taking place at the JP. I'll admit I was a bit nervous going back there after "the incident", mainly because I didn't want to show up and have The Bouncer get in my face and ruin my night. When I walked in, I immediately went to the back area where all my friends and the pool table were. The Bouncer was way on the other side of the bar, so he didn't see me walk in. I said my greetings and started chatting. For some reason I peered back over my shoulder and saw The Bouncer standing directly behind me. I prepared for something to happen but as it turns out, he was just waiting to get through the crowd and he walked right past me. Phew.

It was a very busy night in the bar (upwards of 50 people!) so The Bouncer was actually doing work - fetching ice, taking garbage out, cleaning stuff, etc. I was content to stay low-key and stay out of his way. I was playing pool with my friend Zack (better known as the brains behind the ultimate antenna tower.) Anyone who knows Zack knows that he looks for any opportunity to show off his ass. The best such incident was probably when he shit off of a 2nd floor hotel balcony onto a car below.

I was down to the 8-ball in our pool game. I was lining up a shot in the side pocket when Zack, in an attempt to distract me, parked his bare ass right above the side pocket. He happened to do this right as The Bouncer walked around the corner, which also afforded him a view of Zack's pasty, hairy ass. He made a beeline for Zack and got in his face. "You wanna get kicked outta here??? Don't do that again!" he said, as I looked on trying to hide my laughter. Zack put his ass away and I missed my shot. I theorized that had his ass still been there, I would have made it because his ass crack was perfectly perpendicular to the pocket. This would have made aiming easier. Fucking Bouncer!

The night went on, much more booze was dranken, and we were having a great time. That is until The Bouncer walked by a much more drunken Zack, who yelled to him "Don't worry, my ass isn't showing!" Not in the mood to be mocked by yet another one of my friends, The Bouncer got in his face again. He said "Man, you can't be doin' that shit in here!" Zack retorted with "I just did that in front of a bunch of my friends, it's nothing they haven't seen before!" The Bouncer came back with "If someone else walked by here and saw that they could sue you for sexual harassment!"

I had to step away because I did not want to get involved with this asshole again so soon. I didn't get to hear the rest of it, but their argument escalated from there and another one of our friends had to pull Zack away from The Bouncer before it went any further. The night ended not long after that, and The Bouncer probably went home and beat off to the fact that he got to live the Thug Life in Jackson, WI yet again!

Other random crap:
-I added a new poll to the blog. It's on the right side. Let's get more than 10 votes on this one!!!

-If you wish to send me fan mail, hate mail, pictures of your boobs (FEMALES ONLY!), send it to trailerparkcharlie@gmail.com.

-Keep clicking those ads on the lower right side! I have earned over $28 so far! Thanks!!!

Trailer Park Ingenuity

2010-11-23T20:22:00.005-06:00

If you're like most trailer parkers, there's nothing nicer than sitting on your ass and watching a manly football game or redneck NASCAR race. But what if you have an antenna and your trailer is the equivalent of a tin can like my friends Zack and Jenny's trailer is? Well, you can't watch the game/race because the reception blows chunks!

So what are you to do? Well, the easy answer is "Get cable, dumb shit." (Which they have done since the pictures below were taken.) But what if cable is beyond your means? You will have to get creative. As it turns out, all you need to do is build yourself an antenna tower out of household objects. Obtain the following:

- Large, wheeled covered garbage can
- Child's washable drawing table
- Child's mini disc golf target

The garbage can should already be sitting outside because, well, it's a garbage can. Take the drawing table and place it on top of the garbage can while leaning it up against the house for stability. Take the disc golf target and carefully balance it on the legs of the drawing table. Open a window and place the antenna outside on top of the disc golf target, then close it just enough for the cord to fit through. When finished, your sweet new antenna tower should look like this:

Triumph!

Turn on your TV to the desired channel and - tada! - perfect reception! Although this method works, it is quite unstable and the slightest wind gust could send it toppling down. This is when you get out the Handyman's Secret Weapon (as taught by the greatest handyman of our time) - DUCT TAPE! Wrap all that shit up in a generous amount of duct tape and your trailer may not survive a tornado, but your antenna will!

Trailer Park Charlie's Handyman/Parenting Tip: If your kid whines that you jacked his stuff to build a tower, tell him to go play with other shit or shut up and watch the game.

"Remember - If women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy!" ~ Red Green

Charlie and Brentron vs. The Bouncer

2010-11-08T18:35:00.004-06:00

In this small Wisconsin town with a shockingly-low two taverns, the Jackson Pub is my watering hole of choice. It's seen a lot of action from me lately. Two weekends ago, I celebrated my birthday there. Very shortly after downing what I estimated to be my unlucky 13th shot (a nasty pumpkin pie-flavored one), I threw up in a urinal because it was 18 inches closer than the toilet was. (Sorry you had to clean that up Stephanie, you are still my favorite bartender ever!)

This past Friday, I had a lot of shit on my mind that I wanted to get rid of with the numbing effects of alcohol, so I called up my buddy Brentron. Brentron has been a good friend of mine for several years, and a few months ago he and his girlfriend bought a trailer in Brown Mountain. They are much more like me than like my whacky neighbors.

Jackson Pub is about a 10 minute walk from my trailer, so we headed out on foot. Being a "busy" Friday night, the pub had their "bouncer" on staff. By "busy" I mean 30 people at the most, and by "bouncer" I mean mildly intimidating black guy who, in between checking the occasional ID and helping out a little behind the bar, sits on his ass all night and drinks. There really is no need for such a position on their staff, but for whatever reason they have one. The Bouncer must have been eager for some action in this hick town, because he sure ended up making some happen.

For the most part, it was a nondescript night at the pub. We shot darts, drank a buncha beer, and tried to overpower the jukebox with good music to oppose the horseshit stuff people usually play there. There was this middle-aged wasted lady celebrating her birthday (you know, the kind that drink a lot then dance around like they are still 21 and hot) that yelled out "PANTERA SUCKS!" It took all of my self-control to not hurl a dart into her larynx. There was also a guy we were convinced was the long-lost illegitimate brother of one of our other friends. They were nearly identical in both appearance, lanky structure, and awkward mannerisms.

That inevitable sad time came when the bar had to close. Brentron and I went out to the back parking lot to say bye to a girl we had been shooting darts with. We were more than half in the bag for sure. While out there, Brentron went to the treeline next to the pub, whipped it out, and started taking a piss. Any good drunken Wisconsinite knows that trees make excellent peeing spots. The problem was, The Bouncer didn't agree.

While Brentron was in the act, The Bouncer came out and started yelling things like "YOU CAN'T PISS HERE! GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!" and "YOU SEE THAT RED LIGHT ON THE BACK O THE BUILDING?? YOU ON CAMERA RIGHT NOW!" Unable to keep my smartass mouth shut, I said "Really? He can't piss on a fucking tree outside???" He didn't take kindly to that, and shouted "NO YOU CAN'T, YOU CAN GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE TOO!" I turned and slowly started walking away when that son of a bitch shoved me from behind.

I'm really not a violent or angry drunk, and when a sloshed scuffle breaks out I'm always trying to be the peacemaker. But this asshole just shoved me from behind so now I was angry, and having seen that, Brentron was too. This guy was acting like a big tough bouncer at a packed club in Milwaukee. The problem is, we were in a quiet town of about 6,000 people where someone "watering" a tree is an everyday occurrence. Yet, he was getting belligerent as if we were in the back parking lot sharing dirty heroin needles.

After the shoving incident, the three of us started a big shouting match. The main point I was trying to get across was "Dude, who the fuck are you, acting all big and bad in Jackson fucking Wisconsin." The main point he was trying to get across was he was showing how tough he was by threatening two small-ish drunk white guys.

I invited The Bouncer to hit me so he could get an assault charge. Brentron pulled out his phone and threatened to call the cops. The Bouncer said "Go ahead, you gonna get a public intoxication!" then shoved Brentron and knocked his phone out of his hand. I honestly thought Brentron was going to lose his mind, but he showed a lot of restraint.

By now, The Bouncer had slowly herded us off the bar property onto the alley behind it. That is where his jurisdiction ended. Only then, once there was a good amount of distance between us, did he challenge us to a 2 on 1 fight. He then informed us "I know people from Milwaukee, and they will FUCK YOU UP!" Unimpressed, I belted out "Bring em to the trailer park, I own that shit!!!"

We finally stopped yelling insults at each other and Brentron and I began the walk back to Brown Mountain, still pumped up. Back at his trailer, we celebrated with more beer. It will be interesting to see what sorts of fisticuffs happen the next time I return to the ole JP.

It's a Small World (Unfortunately)

2010-09-22T21:58:00.003-05:00

Recently, I ended my five year employment at an area software company to move on to greener pastures. In those five years, there were quite a few "characters" I encountered that would have been worthy of their own blog. One of the "better" ones was simply known as D.B.

D.B. was hired as a senior-level programmer about 6 months after I started there. D.B. came to us from a nuclear power plant and was supposed to do great things for our software. Well, that certainly didn't happen. D.B. rightfully earned the secret nickname of "Homer" because he had worked at a nuclear power plant (how all of Wisconsin wasn't turned into a toxic wasteland during his tenure there is beyond me) and he was a complete idiot.

Over the course of about a year and a half he was gradually demoted from a senior developer, to a utility programmer, to a coding monkey who was given the simplest tasks (and still managed to fuck them up), and finally an "assistant" to the testers. During this time, he was of course still paid like an important senior developer. Eventually he got the hint that he wasn't wanted and quit one day.

As it would turn out, the only thing he was good at was making people uncomfortable with his personality quirks. D.B. seemed to not have any concept of personal space or privacy. When he was in your cubicle looking at something on your computer, he practically sat on top of you. He was also notorious for his poor bathroom etiquette. If you weren't at your desk and he had a question for you, he would stalk you down in the shitter, knock on the stall door and ask you his question. One time I walked in the bathroom when he was at a urinal. He turned halfway around, smiled and said "Hi Charlie!" as if there was nothing wrong with doing that. I think I threw up in my mouth at that.

There was also the disturbing story he shared with us about his day off. He told us that he would be out of the office on the upcoming Friday. None of us gave a crap why, we were just happy that he would be gone. Unprovoked, he shared with us his reason for being gone: He was taking his sister to Chicago so she could get artificially inseminated. That's a little too much information there, D.B. We theorized that he would actually be the one doing the insemination since it did seem like his family enjoyed inbreeding.

So why am I sharing all this with you? Well, I started my new job in the IT department of a bank on Monday. That night, I was testing my remote connection from home and started reading some of my e-mails. Then suddenly I recognized a name on one of the e-mails - It was D.B.!!!!! He has an uncommon last name so I was sure it had to be him. Just to be positive, I looked up his employee photo and sure enough, Homer himself stared back at me. Consider the buzz about my new job killed.

I wish I could have recorded my reaction to all of this. It was about 10 minutes of me pacing back and forth yelling swear words and things like "IMPOSSIBLE!" and "UNBELIEVABLE!" I also sent out a mass text message to some of my former co-workers that said "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! I just found out that D.B. works where I do!!!!! What have I done?????" Of course, they all had a good laugh at my expense.

I have since seen D.B. in person at my new job, and he remembers me. I'm going to have to maintain professionalism and give him the benefit of the doubt until he proves otherwise. I'm still skeptic at best, but we shall see how it goes. More on this as it develops...

Nobama Wants Kelly's Junk

2010-09-02T21:11:00.005-05:00

Kelly owns three cars, none of which are in the greatest of shape. She seems to randomly choose which one to drive on a given day, and the other two sit there in the parking lot. One is a 1999 Toyota Camry, one is a 1997 Chevy Monte Carlo, and the worst of them is a 1986 Volkswagen Cabriolet. If you don't know what a Cabriolet is, it's one of these ugly pieces of shit (yes, it's a convertible!):

She has been looking in to selling it for $700. It rarely starts, and when it does, it sounds like a baby being put through a wood chipper. One day when Nobama was in town, he stalked his way over by Kelly and inquired about the Cabrio. As I have mentioned before, Nobama has an affinity for things that are absolute junk.

As it turns out, Nobama used to have a Cabrio of his own. He loved it for some strange reason. Unfortunately, his ex-fiancee' made him sell it (possibly a 13 year old girl who was jealous she couldn't drive it?) Once he found out Kelly's was for sale, he jumped out of Ms. D's bushes and demanded to buy it.

The transaction was completed, and Kelly was glad to see it go. Still in her house, Nobama suggested to Kelly and her roommate Karen that they could come out to his place in Michigan and hang out any time they wanted to! What a nice guy, that Nobama.

In Case You Didn't Believe Me...

2010-08-03T21:20:00.003-05:00

The Jackson Police Department maintains a list of "Notable Incidents" on their website. It's a list of any "significant" (for a small town) events that the police have had to get involved with here. Well, they are bunch of slackasses and don't post things until a couple months later. But, if you recall, I wrote about one such notable incident a couple months ago. That incident has finally made its way to the online police blotter!

It is the rousing tale of Walter's psycho drunken ex-girlfriend and the night she went bat-shit crazy. There is some awesome stuff in there!

On May 18 at 2:22AM, Officer Henning monitored the sheriff’s department as it responded to Gear Heads tavern regarding a heavily intoxicated 36 year old woman, who is well known to us from prior alcohol-related incidents.

I just love how she is "well known to us". It's almost like an endearing term, as if she were Otis the Town Drunk of Mayberry.

The woman fled on foot but was eventually located and placed in a deputy’s squad. While the deputy was driving her to a Green Valley residence, the woman called 911. Officer Henning met the deputy at the Green Valley trailer to assist in retrieving her phone, which was achieved only after a struggle.

Wait, she was in an officer's squad car and she called 911??? What the fuck is she going to say, "HELP! This police officer has me in his car against my will! Come rescue me!" Not only that, but two cops had to wrestle her phone away from her.

At the trailer, the woman’s boyfriend (Walter!), who was already watching her son, reluctantly agreed to let her stay with him (because he's a goddamn pushover). The woman ran ahead into the trailer, locked the boyfriend out, and refused to open the door. Her son unlocked the door and admitted the boyfriend.

As the officers returned to their cars, they heard a commotion from the trailer, observed the woman run out the back door, scale a fence, and run out to Industrial Drive. Officer Henning apprehended her behind a shed, where she fought with the officer and a deputy until successfully handcuffed.

That's my fence and my shed being referenced!!! YES! I am famous!!! If only Jackson PD had been filming for an episode of COPS my fence and shed could have been REALLY famous! That would also be the "commotion" that got my attention while I was trying to fall back asleep.

The woman resisted being placed in a squad and began screaming. She then spoke to people on an imaginary cell phone. Once she was medically cleared, the woman was taken to County Jail. She remained combative and uncooperative there.

HAHAHAHA, since they took her real cell phone away she sought help on an imaginary one! That is the single greatest part of this story. Unfortunately this entry abruptly ends with her being a combative, uncooperative cunt in jail. They could have added something like "An officer then pistol whipped her and she fell on the ground unconscious and bleeding. They left her like that overnight until her dumbass boyfriend came and bailed her out."

Agnes is a Cranky Bitch (In Any Weather!)

2010-07-19T22:39:00.003-05:00

Last Monday, I was enjoying a post-work, pre-Home Run Derby nap session on my couch. It was going well until I suddenly awoke to a loud buzzing/humming noise. Groggy and confused, I searched around for the source. It wasn't my phone. Thinking it was emanating from my TV, I muted it, but the buzzing was still there. Were there a bunch of South African soccer fans outside blowing those fucking Vuvuzelas? No. But the noise was definitely coming from outside. I looked outside and saw that the sky was black and nasty, then I had a revelation - "...is that a tornado siren???"

I flipped my TV to the local news channel and sure enough, on the radar there was a small speck of a storm that was entirely red and ominously hovering over Jackson. We were under a tornado WARNING. When I say "we" I mean Jackson and not the entire county like you usually see. Having never had to deal with taking shelter in a trailer before, I wasn't quite sure what to do. I decided to seek refuge in my bathroom. It's in the middle of the house, there is only a small window, and one of the walls of the shower would block any flying glass. Because I'm humane, I rounded up my cats first, then headed for the lavatory (the cats were not very high on this idea.)

I've always heard that a tornado sounds like a very loud train coming towards you. I listened closely and didn't hear anything, so I decided to open the window to get a look at the sky. I didn't see any wicked witches flying by on a broom, so I was safe for the time being. I did however hear the distinct, shrill voice of Agnes (I call her Agnes because she reminds me of Principal Skinner's overbearing mother on The Simpsons). The first thing I heard her say was "Is there a fire somewhere?" I felt like yelling "NO YOU DUMB BITCH, THAT'S A TORNADO SIREN! GET THE FUCK INSIDE!"

Shortly after that, something crazy happened. Agnes started screaming... not out of fear, but at someone. It soon became apparent that Agnes and Bernice were standing outside screaming at each other during a fucking tornado warning! I literally thought to myself "Is this really happening?!" The two situations happening (the tornado and the shouting match) would have been crazy enough on their own but the fact they were happening simultaneously was almost too much to handle.

I tried listening closely to see what they were yelling at each other about, but it was difficult because they thought whoever yelled loudest while the other one was talking would win. I managed to make out enough to determine Agnes was upset about something with her yard (although if you remember, Agnes is the one who messes with people's yards. It didn't end there though. Bernice then accused Agnes of breaking in to her car and stealing something (Agnes denied this).

Some of the other great barbs from their tornado-ignoring battle were things like "Fuck you! You have no right to talk to me like that! I'll call the cops on you again!" and "You stay out of my goddamn life!!!"

They just kept carrying on and on. I finally managed to summon the good Samaritan in me and decided to leave the "safety" of my bathroom so I could yell out the door to them that there was imminent danger. I never got to though, because someone beat me to it - Nobama's Mom. She came all the way down from her trailer to break up the fight and warn them. She shouted "There's a damn tornado, get inside! We can hear you through the whole neighborhood!" Agnes and Bernice broke out of their trance and FINALLY came to the realization that the siren actually was for a tornado. They split up and headed to their respective trailers. (It's pretty sad when it takes Nobama's Mom to be the voice of reason.)

I headed back to my bathroom to wait out the rest of the storm. Nothing even ended up happening. There was just a little bit of rain and it never even got windy. Worst tornado ever! But, thanks to Agnes and Bernice's idiocy and hatred of each other, I had enough entertainment to make the tornado warning go by quickly. Thanks, ladies!

Join the Trailer Park on Facebook!

2010-07-15T20:59:00.002-05:00

I set up a Facebook Fan Page for my blog. I guess that's what all the cool kids with mullets do nowadays. So, look it up and be come a fan! Find it here: http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Misadventures-of-Trailer-Park-Charlie/124202180957463?ref=ts Tell your friends! (Assuming you have some.)

It's been a crazy week around Brown Mountain, so I have some great stories coming up soon. So, keep an eye out for those!

Also, if you like this blog, help me earn some money by hitting the advertisement links on the lower right side. I get real money for every click!!! Then maybe I can buy a trap for the raccoon that tore the shit out of the insulation on the underside of my house.

Someone Check on Bill!

2010-07-11T14:09:00.003-05:00

The other night I was sitting at my computer when I saw a cop car driving around our neighborhood circle shining his spotlight into yards. As you probably know, this has been a normal occurrence during my time in Brown Mountain, so while it piqued my curiosity, I didn't think too much of it. That is until the cop (not Officer Dickweed) stopped and got out of his car.

Walter happened to be outside of his trailer smoking a cigarette, and I heard the cop ask him "Have you seen that guy lately?" while pointing his flashlight towards a trailer. The trailer he pointed at belongs to Bill, who lives next to Bernice. Walter explained that Bill pulled in right behind him when he got home from work.

The cop was summoned to Bill's house by a friend who was "concerned about him" and that he "was drinking too much." The cop headed for Bill's door to presumably see if he was still alive. Once the cop walked away from Walter, I went outside to find out what happened, eager for a blog story. (I was also hoping to have a front row seat to something cool like a gun battle or some police brutality.)

Walter filled me in on the situation. After a while, a light came on in Bill's house and he started talking to the cop. To my dismay, no violence ensued. But, Walter then shared a story with me about his past history with Bill.

When Walter had just moved in next door to me, he was going around introducing himself to the neighbors. When he met Bill, he was telling him about getting his cable installed in a few days. A light bulb went on over Bill's head and he told Walter "You don't want the cable service around here! You should get DirectTV. I have a coupon for $50 off an installation that you can have!"

It was a nice gesture by Bill, but there was a catch. Bill was looking to "scam" DirectTV and make money off of Walter. He explained further that Walter had to give him $50 cash for the $50 off coupon. Then, when Walter called to get his satellite dish set up, DirectTV would give him another $50 off coupon. At that time, Walter would then say that he knew Bill, and they would for some reason give him AND Bill a $100 off coupon. In the end, it would save Walter $200 on his satellite dish, and make Bill $50 richer from the money Walter gave him.

However Walter, in a rare instance of common sense, thought this sounded a little fishy. He wasn't about to give a guy he just met $50 for some stupid satellite coupon that might lead to more stupid satellite coupons. Walter respectfully declined the offer and went home.

A while later, Bill showed up at his door brandishing the coupon again. He was very adamant: "Are you sure you don't want to do this? It's an easy way to save a lot of money and we both get something out of it! Trust me, it will work!" Walter again declined and stated that he would be sticking with the cable installation as originally planned. Bill, deeply offended by his generous offer being turned down, yelled "WELL FUCK YOU THEN!!!" and stormed off back to his trailer. Walter and Bill have not spoken to each other since.

After the trip down memory lane, the cop emerged from Bill's house and told us "He's fine." then drove away.

Agnes is a Cranky Bitch (Still)

2010-06-12T15:01:00.003-05:00

I haven't written much about Agnes on this blog yet, but as the main instigator of "The Cookie Incident", she has already earned a place among the legends of my neighborhood. While her dislike for Ms. D is very apparent, her bitchiness reaches beyond there.

A couple trailers away from Agnes lives Bernice. Late last year Bernice was very sick and ended up having a liver transplant. Agnes befriended Bernice and helped her out a lot while she was recovering. But, so did Ms. D.

As the friendship of Agnes and Bernice grew, they started giving each other little gifts and things (the lame sappy kind of shit that women like). One of the things Agnes gave her was this decorative wall plaque that read "Friends are a Gift From God" (awwww how touching!) So Agnes and Bernice were in the midst of a budding friendship where nothing could go wrong. But predictably, Agnes began reverting to her natural state of Superbitch.

Agnes started becoming bitchy and manipulative towards Bernice. Agnes also resented Bernice being friends with Ms. D. She would get upset whenever she spotted the two of them together. Eventually it reached a point of contention where Agnes dropped the "You have to choose between being friends with me or her" ultimatum on her. (I was unaware that anyone over the age of 5 did such things.)

Fed up with all of Agnes' bullshit, Bernice did make a decision and chose Ms. D. Her friendship with Agnes was now over. As a symbolic gesture, Bernice took the "friendship" plaque off the wall, put it in a plastic bag, and placed it in front of Agnes' front door while she was at work.

Once Agnes arrived at home, she did not take it very well. Not to be outdone, Agnes gathered up all the things Bernice had given her (decorations, clothes, cookware etc.) In the middle of the night she took all that crap and threw it all over Bernice's front lawn. (Highly immature for such an old lady.) Bernice was very pissed about this and (with some urging from Ms. D) called the cops on her. The problem was, Agnes was no longer around -she skipped town and went to her cottage in northern Wisconsin. By the time she returned, the matter had been dropped and they just ignore each other now. So now, Ms. D and Bernice seem to be hanging out together even more often just to piss off Agnes. It's a regular daytime soap opera in my neighborhood!

Walter's Woes (Continued)

2010-05-18T21:56:00.005-05:00

Walter has had himself a lot of activity with the ladies since my last post. His Mid-Life Crisis Road Trip to Miami was *supposedly* fruitful. He claims to have met a fine, rich Hispanic girl who lived along the coast. They spent several days together and she drove him around in her Lamborghini. She implored him to leave behind the shackles of the Brown Mountain trailer park and move to Miami with her. But, for whatever reason, he turned her down.

Remember, I said *supposedly* this is what happened. But the photo evidence he returned with offered no proof of such encounters. There were only pictures of him on one of those tour buses that old people "see America" in and other pictures of random shit. So, after all of that, Walter returned to Wisconsin no better off than when he left. But that didn't last long...

Shortly after returning, Walter met a woman at a local tavern (even though when he was whining to me last time he said he didn't want to meet someone at a bar). As if that weren't questionable enough, he let her move in a few days later! Oh, and she has a 10 year old son who moved in too.

Walter bought right in to being with this woman, even referring to her as "The Wifey". The first weekend they were staying with him, her son had his friend over to spend the night and he watched them while she was out doing god knows what. This should start to clue you in that Walter is a pushover when it comes to women (more on this later.)

This past Sunday, Walter had his parents over for a nice cookout so they could meet her. I overheard the pleasantries while I was out trying to get my goddamn hand-me-down lawnmower started for the first time ever (Shout out to Darren, better known as Kelly's ex who used to live with her, for getting it going!) But unfortunately Walter's dream life changed drastically late last night.

His new "wifey" was out at the bar again while he sat home and played Daddy. Apparently she had a little too much "fun". But before I give you the details, I'll share my personal perspective of the events that transpired.

I woke up at about 2:45 AM this morning to "drain the lizard". I laid back down to fall asleep, but suddenly I heard some commotion outside. At first I figured it was just some drunk-asses being loud while walking home from the bar on the road behind my trailer. But it quickly escalated and got louder. I heard loud slamming noises coming from very close to my house. Concerned, I got up and looked out the window hoping to see something happening on the street, but there was nothing.

The sound now seemed further away but it was definitely still serious and out of hand. I was about ready to call the cops when I decided to look out the windows in the front of my trailer. It was soon clear that there was no need for me to call the cops - there were four cop cars outside already. The action was happening a little ways down the cul-de-sac (near Nobama's mom's house coincidentally) so it was hard for me to tell what was going on.

After a while the cops started leaving and peace was restored. I went back to bed wondering what craziness had transpired. I would have my answers before the day was over.

As it turns out, I was very correct about the action happening close to my house. Walter's woman got too wasted at the bar and the cops brought her back to his place. Once back at his place, she got belligerent. Somehow, she managed to lock Walter outside and wouldn't let him in. The police tried getting her to open the door to no avail. They eventually broke in the front door, but she escaped out the back door. It is important to note that the back door of Walter's trailer opens into my yard! (There are also no stairs leading to it.) This would explain all the commotion I heard that was really close to my trailer.

Walter's woman then ran through my yard and through the parking lot in an attempt to escape. But, the police had already called for backup and she was apprehended before she got too far. She was then arrested for disorderly conduct and fleeing. Awesome!

But that wasn't the end of it. Walter, being the pushover that he is, stayed home from work today to WATCH HER SON. (No idea why he wasn't at school...) He then BAILED HER OUT OF JAIL. He then let her sleep off her hangover at his place, resolving to kick her ass out once she awoke. He did kick her out and triumphantly texted Kelly, proclaiming "Ding dong the bitch is gone!"

So for now, all is quiet on Walter's front. (Although I did see a cop patrolling through here to check on things as I was writing this, haha.) Stay tuned to see if Walter eventually faces more woes or if he finally figures things out with the ladies!

Walter's Woes

2010-05-06T22:39:00.004-05:00

My neighbor Walter has been going through a lot of shit lately, mostly pertaining to women. He recently finalized a divorce to his wife of 13 years. As part of the divorce agreement, she got a 90 day restraining order against him. What is the reason for this restraining order you ask? Fear of physical abuse? Avoiding unwanted "please take me back!" pleas? Well, it's even better than any of those: His ex-wife is a lesbian!

She is claiming that she is a lesbian and secretly has been for more than the duration of their marriage. But, she has been "confused" the whole time, and wasn't sure if she liked the cock or the carpet. So the basis of this restraining order is that Walter can't have any contact with her for 90 days because it might lead to even more "confusion" about her sexuality. As a member of the Male Fellowship, I totally feel bad for Walter. Finding out an ex of yours turned lezbo after she was with you is pretty much the ultimate diss. If your ex is someone you were married to for 13 years, that increases it exponentially. I feel for you, man.

Walter, now 40 and single, is really not sure what to do. He claims he has no idea how to meet girls any more and doesn't know how to date. I suggested maybe trying an online dating site (not realizing he doesn't have regular computer access). His response was "If I did that, I could just come over and check my stuff on your computer then right?" The thought of Walter chatting with chicks on my computer did not sit very well with me. Immediately regretting my suggestion, I then shared some tales about how friends of mine have met some psycho bitches on dating sites and it might not be the best idea.

Looking for other alternatives, he has turned his attention to a popular target for 40-something men: Kelly. She has been friendly with him in a neighborly sort of way. They chat once in a while. He gave her advice on buying a car. She takes her dog over by him so his cat has a playmate. Normal stuff. But, he is beginning to take it too far and is starting to creep her out.

Walter has begun texting Kelly a little too regularly, often IMMEDIATELY when he sees her pull in her driveway (even when that is at 1:30 in the morning). He'll say things like "U coming over 2nite hun?" as if they are together. Kelly has begun making up excuses to not hang out with him, and is even just ignoring his texts all together. But, there are times when she can't ignore him like when he randomly shows up and asks if they can take her dog for a walk together.

Walter even got up the gumption to ask her to go to a wedding with him. Fearing what that might lead to, Kelly made up an excuse that she had a company function to go to on the same day. She even asked me to vouch for her if Walter happened to ask. Jokingly, I responded "Sure, I'll back you up... if you go to a wedding with me." My cousin's wedding is actually occurring on the same day as the one Walter is going to. But she didn't take it as a joke and agreed to go to it with me! So, I apparently am not viewed as a creep in the eyes of Kelly at least (Score!)

So, with all of this crap and a self-proclaimed "mid-life crisis" going on, Walter did what anyone would: Took a random road trip to Miami, FL for a week. As far as I know he doesn't know anyone there. He didn't give me any details of his trip (not that I really want to know) but he didn't come back with a GILF or a Cuban illegal immigrant, so I can only guess that he didn't get lucky there either.

Ms. D Gets Me Jack-ed Up

2010-04-21T22:06:00.004-05:00

I had a nice little poker game/cookout at my trailer the other night featuring me and a bunch of dudes from work. Of course when doing something manly like having a poker game, other essentials like a bunch of booze and grilling steaks is necessary.

While setting up my grill for the searing of dead cow, Ms. D decided to stop over to "tell me something quick." If you have read my previous posts, NOTHING about her talking is ever quick. She came over to show me her prescription that she just had filled for the rash on her legs. Apparently she was standing in the pile of wood chips that encircles the fire hydrant in her yard and some sort of insect bit her repeatedly. She thought it kind to warn me to stay away from that area.

It was appropriate that she got bit repeatedly, because she repeatedly told me the details of how she was so sick to the point of having a fever and a had lot of swelling. So, I just did what I usually do and stopped listening for a while and nodded occasionally while continuing to get my grill going. I heard something about her wanting to replace all the wood chips with rocks so she wouldn't have to deal with whatever bit the hell out of her any more. She actually did keep it to a short conversation (5 minutes is short for her) and I went back inside to my guests.

A while later we were all standing outside talking about worthless fat lazy blobs that we work with. I had the steaks a-sizzlin' when I noticed Ms. D walking outside again. She was coming towards my house as I thought "Oh god no... would she really come talk my ear off when I clearly have company and am busy cooking?" The answer to that was YES. But this time, she had something of interest for me: A fifth of Jack Daniels!

She handed me the glorious JD as I stood there shocked. But that wasn't all she had for me. At some point during our previous conversation about wood chips where I was mindlessly nodding, I had somehow agreed to bag up the wood chips for her so she could put the rocks down. She handed me some big garbage bags and rubber gloves. The Jack was my reward for doing it. I pretended I knew what was going on and said I would be able to take care of the wood chips later in the week. I didn't want to say no because after all, she DID bring me some Jack! (She claims she has a bottle of Jack sitting in her fridge in case her brother comes over... awesome.)

The rest of the night went off without a hitch. I drank a bunch of beer, me and one of the guys drank almost all the Jack, we ate a bunch of steaks and played some furious poker.

I fully intended on taking care of the wood chips for Ms. D in a timely manner (she does take care of cutting my grass, so I owe her anyway). But most of the next week was rainy and shitty so I couldn't. The next weekend rolled around and I saw Ms. D outside. She suddenly thanked me for taking care of the wood chips. Puzzled, I said "uhhh, that wasn't me..." I looked, and sure enough, all the wood chips were gone! She thought the park's maintenance guy must have taken care of it, although she wasn't sure how he would have known to do so. It was perfectly fine with me though. I got a bottle of Jack (which was long gone by this point) for doing absolutely nothing. If this trend continues, all work that I need to get done around here will be taken care of by unseen assistants!

The Mystery of the Buried Cable

2010-03-27T16:22:00.003-05:00

For those who have ever dealt with Charter Communications (the cable company that monopolizes my trailer park), you know that their service is horse-shit awful. I moved in to my trailer November 29th 2008. On December 4th, Charter came and installed my cable. But, since I live in frigid Wisconsin, the ground was too frozen to actually bury the cable. The technician told me they would contact me at a later date when it was warm enough to bury the cable. Unsurprisingly, that never happened.

So there it sat, running from under my trailer, behind the shed, and back into the yard into the cable box. Flash-forward to October 2009. I had just treated myself to a new wicked-badass HDTV for my birthday. In order to achieve its full potential, I would have to make the nauseating call to Charter to get them to hook up an HD receiver for me. When I contacted them, I reminded them that they still had not buried my damn cable. The customer rep I spoke to was stunned that they had not come back to bury the cable (apparently he uses a much better cable service at home). Since the ground isn't usually frozen here until late November/early December, they should be able to bury it for me.

The rep told me that the tech coming out to install my HD receiver would not be equipped to bury the cable, but they could set up a separate appointment for me. Fine, whatever. After a short while on hold, the rep came back and told me they had a date for my burying appointment: December 4th! I informed the rep that 12/4 is the same day those cock goblins told me last year that they couldn't bury the goddamn cable. He told me that was the soonest they could do it and it would depend on the weather.

A couple weeks later, a utility crew came out and placed flags and spray-painted the ground to mark where the lines ran underground. Much of the spray paint they put down was on leaves that I had yet to rake up so it disappeared after I did rake (fucking geniuses). So obviously, this thing was going to happen, right? Well, not so much...

A few days before 12/4, I called Charter to confirm that they were still coming for the burial. The ground wasn't quite frozen yet so they should have been able to dig. This time the rep I spoke to was confused for a different reason - He said their records showed my appointment was set up for JUNE 28th 2010!!! What the fuck you assholes??? He then told me that in my area, they wouldn't do cable burials past October 17th. But, I set up this appointment AFTER October fucking 17th so why did they even make the December 4th appointment with me??

Not wanting to deal with their bullshit any more, I decided to just wait until the June 28th 2010 date. So, I forgot all about it until spring came and the snow melted. I was reminded of Charter's retardation when I had to pick up a series of muddy, shitty utility marker flags in my yard. But then I noticed something - There was no bright orange cable running around the edge of my yard anymore. My cable service has been working fine all winter, so it's not as if it got chopped off and removed somehow.

Puzzled, I crawled under my trailer to inspect. I followed the cable line and found that at the edge of my house, it suddenly goes underground in a direct path to the cable box. Now how in the hell could that have happened? I know Charter didn't somehow keep my original appointment because I would have had to be home. I looked at the yard and there isn't even any indication that any digging/trenching had been done. The yard had been covered with snow until recently, so it couldn't have been done this spring without scarring the yard. I am completely baffled as to how my cable is now under ground. This mystery may never be solved, but I don't care. It means I won't have to deal with Charter again!!!

Dicks in the Park

2010-03-15T22:31:00.006-05:00

I'd like to introduce everyone to Brown Mountain resident Dick Dick! But don't get your Dicks all jumbled up. Dick Dick is not related to my old pal Dick, nor is he related to asshole-ish constable Officer Dickweed.

In other news, thank you to all of you who have been hitting the ads on the blog. I have made over $6 whole dollars so far! Soon I can quit my job as a software tester and spy on my neighbors for hilarious stuff full-time!

New Shit

2010-02-28T18:02:00.004-06:00

I duct taped some new features on to the ole trailer blog. For the first time ever, there is a poll that you can vote in, which is displayed on the right side. Be sure to vote in it. The outcome will determine... well, not a damn thing.

There are also several ways to follow this shit now. On the right side below my profile, there are 3 different ways to subscribe to my posts: RSS Feeds (from any of the major providers), Google Friend Connect, and subscribe by e-mail. With all of that stuff, there is no goddamn reason that you shouldn't be up to date with what is happening in Brown Mountain!

Finally, I signed up for Google AdSense. Now, I fucking hate advertising, but I also like making money and if I can somehow do that by blogging, that would be cool. At the very bottom of the right side there will be random ads displayed (loosely) based on the content of this site. Every time you click on them, I will make money. I could give a shit less if you buy what they are selling. Just click on that stuff, check it out, and make me some motherfuckin' money so I can upgrade to a double-wide!

Nobama's Still At It

2010-02-13T14:18:00.003-06:00

I went over by Ms. D the other day and had a nice chat with her. And by that, I mean she talked on and on for almost an hour with little input from me. I have to sacrifice myself for your enjoyment sometimes, because this is how I get stories from her. Oh, and I had to discuss with her getting our vehicles fixed after I fucking backed in to her stupid Malibu with my brand new Jeep because it was sitting in the one spot I didn't look.

She also has a habit of giving me random things that I don't really want but I'm too nice to decline. Last summer she gave me a box of cinnamon incense that I'm supposed to burn outside to keep bugs away. She claims it works wonders... This time, she gave me this big ugly candle warmer and a Banana Nut Bread candle (gross). She says that since I have cats, if I use the warmer instead of lighting candles, the cats won't burn themselves on it. While I'm sure the smell of burning kitty hair is awful, it wasn't an overly huge concern of mine. But, whatever.

Once we got past all of this nonsense, we got to the good stuff: Her buddy Nobama! Nobama hasn't really been around much in the past few months (probably found more little girls to stalk in Michigan) but when he has been, shit has gone down. Last fall, after raking and bagging leaves, Ms. D put them out by the curb. She used normal trash bags instead of the biodegradable paper bags that hippies want us to use (I, and most people use normal bags as well). Afterwards, she left for about an hour to run an errand.

Upon her return to the trailer park she found that her leaf bags had been slashed open with a knife, and a news letter from the park was taped to it with the "Leaf Bagging Instructions" highlighted. I know for a fact the guy that does the garbage pickup for the park doesn't give a shit what bags we use and just throws them in with the rest of the trash anyway. So who else would have done such a thing? Well... Nobama happened to be in town at the time...

But, that's not the only hi-jinks he has pulled lately. He also either has a key to Ms. D's mailbox or is an adept lock-picker. The trailer park has apartment-style locked mailboxes which are in a big group outside the park office. Walter, the new guy that lives between us, has the mailbox right above hers. He told Ms. D one day that it looked like her mailbox was open. She went to investigate and found some torn-up crumpled wrapping paper in it. There was also a junk mail flyer advertising life insurance. But, it had been altered to say "DIE Insurance" (excellent grammar there, Nobama).

Speaking of Walter, he is newly single because he is going through a divorce, and guess where his soon-to-be ex-wife lives? Yep, in this trailer park! (So future stories may come of this.) Soon after moving in, Walter was talking to Ms. D and asked if she would like to go out sometime. Fearing he would be the next Nobama, she declined and proceeded to explain about the whole crazy stalker situation. But unlike Nobama, he can actually handle rejection and was understanding. So now Walter has joined forces with me in the NNWP (Nobama Neighborhood Watch Program). We will catch that bastard in the act yet!

The Return of Vent Sucker Guy!

2010-02-02T23:02:00.003-06:00

If you remember back to The Girl Next Door, my neighbor Kelly had an "admirer" in the form of a 40-ish entrepreneur who owned his own Vent Sucker-Outer business. She resisted his lame advances and sent him packing forever... or so she thought.

Kelly got a phone call the other day from a mysterious number. Instead of doing what I would do and ignoring it (since I have a 414 number, which is the Milwaukee area code, I get a lot of calls from random stupid black ladies who don't know how to operate a telephone machine) she answered. The call went something like this:

Kelly: "Hello?"
Mysterious Man: "Hey, Kelly? This is [Vent Sucker Guy]... I cleaned your vents out back when you moved in."
Kelly (Uncomfortable): "Oh... hey... what's up?"
Vent Sucker Guy: "Well, I know you were going through some stuff a while back breaking up with your boyfriend and all. I was wondering if you'd like to go out sometime?"
Kelly: "Ummm, sorry... that's not really possible right now."
Vent Sucker Guy (Disappointed): "Oh, well... if you change your mind give me a call!"
Kelly: "Yeah... sure."

You see, what Vent Sucker Guy isn't aware of is that Kelly's ex-boyfriend practically lives with her now too, even though he has his own trailer in this park. (I know, I don't particularly understand it either.) So if he came around to "clean her vents" again, that would make for all kinds of awkward.

Not to be deterred, Vent Sucker Guy proceeded to tell her about how he has dated younger girls before. He even dated a model for a while who had big knockers! (As if these facts somehow made it less creepy...) Kelly was still not interested.

But for you younger ladies out there, if you have less discriminating taste and are turned on by a guy who owns his own business, just ask me and I can get you his number. Then he can clean out your vents too!

The Christmas Pickle

2010-01-08T22:24:00.002-06:00

So there I was, barfing up chunks of spaghetti and pork chops on the floor of the Hartford Union High School Athletic Hall of Fame. One could argue that watching another wretched performance by my company basketball team was the reason. But it was probably because I ate too much before the game and running around hard for 5 minutes brought it all back up. The HUHS HoF was the next best place for my spewing activity since it was an isolated hallway and the bathrooms were too far away. I was proud, I managed to hold it in long enough to get past the kids' buttpacking, I mean, wrestling practice and got it out before passing the filled-to-capacity auditorium that was hosting a shitty Christmas pageant.

What does this have to do with the trailer park? Well, nothing. That's just how my night began. On the way home, I was diverted from the only main road that goes into my shitty hometown by a massive accident, probably caused by a woman who doesn't know how to drive. (Do I even need to add "who doesn't know how to drive" at the end? Once I said "woman", that was implied...)

My fortunes changed when I arrived home to my trailer to find a small gift bag outside my door. The tag read "To: Charlie. From: Santa. You've been naughty!" Intriguing. It had girly handwriting and I thought it was most likely from Kelly. But suddenly creepy thoughts ran through my head... what if it wasn't? What if it was from Ms. D? That would be moderately creepy. Or maybe Walter, my newest next-door neighbor who bought Mildred's House of Horrors. That would be pretty disturbing. Or how about Nobama.... AHHHHHHHHH!

I snapped out of it and for sanity's sake, decided it had to be from Kelly. I opened it to find a small jar that said "The Christmas Pickle Ornament". OK then. The description of it read "In Old World Germany, the last decoration placed on the Christmas Tree was always a pickle... carefully hidden deep within the boughs. Legend has it that the observant child who found it on Christmas Day was blessed with a year of good fortune... and a special gift."

Well isn't that adorable? That's much nicer than the 1933-1945 German tradition of finding a Jew and hanging them from the tree for a special prize! (Yes, I'm an asshole).

I went over by Kelly to confirm that she was the giver of the pickle and she was. She also decided to give me a cat toothbrush and poultry-flavored toothpaste for my cats. Now why the hell do cats get something awesome like poultry-flavored toothpaste and I have to settle for minty bullshit? When I brush my teeth, I want to be overwhelmed by the taste of chicken, bacon, BBQ ribs, or some other exceptional flavor. This kind of stuff should really be marketed for humans. (Of course it wouldn't sell well in the trailer park, because almost nobody brushes their teeth.)

Perverts Galore!

2009-12-19T16:39:00.006-06:00

With Old Blind World War II Veteran dead and gone, you thought you had heard the last from him, right? Well prepare to be pleasantly surprised!

First off, his trailer sold. Actually, it didn't sell. It was GIVEN AWAY. His family inherited the place and really wanted to get rid of it before the end of November so they wouldn't have to pay the next month's rent. They initially listed it at $5,000. Then it was $1,500. And finally in the last week, FREE! That's right, a free trailer. Any one of you reading this could have had it and joined in the awesomeness that is my neighborhood! (Too bad they took out the 3 refrigerators where the bodies were chilling...)

But, enough about his former home. OBWWIIV also had a deep, dark secret. When Kelly was looking at moving in to Brown Mountain, she wisely thought to check the State of Wisconsin sex offender registry to see what kind of creeps were around. Low and behold, who shows up in it but OBWWIIV (even though when she found him on there, he was already dead...)! If it wasn't disturbing enough that he was a sex offender, the reason for it was worse: Incest with a child.

The record showed that he committed the offense in 1993 when he was 59 years old. If I were to hazard a guess, I would think it was with one of his grandchildren. So it probably went something like this: "Come here honey, sit on grandpa's lap and we can talk about the first thing that pops up!" Perhaps in an attempt to escape, his granddaughter threw acid in his eye and that's why he was blind.

Oh, and in case you were wondering what he looked like, the Sex Offender Registry has fun colored photos too!

Personally, I think he looks like Wilford Brimley.

OBWWIIV wasn't the only great find on the Magical Sex Offender List. Apparently there was another guy on the other side of the park who has had a bit of a thing for children. His offense was "Exposing a Child to Harmful Materials". I love the name of that offense because it could mean so many things. My initial thought was "...his cock?" Then other "harmful" things came to mind like "Everclear", "mustard gas", "Chicago Bears football", "Hannah Montana", and so on. But, after looking up what the hell "Harmful Materials" means in the Wisconsin law books, it's pretty evident he showed a kid some hot, steamy porn. Fantastic.

Oh, and if you want to know what he looks like, here is his picture too! (WARNING: VERY CREEPY!)

Would you watch porn with this guy? I sure wouldn't.

Seeing his picture made me think that I've seen him somewhere before... Oh yeah, now I know...

Dude Needs New Pants

2009-12-05T16:54:00.002-06:00

On the other side of Kelly's trailer lives Dude, an aging bachelor. I've never talked to him before, but he seems like a weirdo and Kelly confirmed that for me. Dude REALLY likes his pajama pants. Whenever I have seen him outside, he is always wearing some sort of colorful pajama pants.

Kelly has spoken with him, and noticed a recurring theme - his pajama pants tend to have holes in the crotch. She hasn't "seen anything poking out yet" but it's disturbing nonetheless. If Dude starts to have a thing for her, perhaps there will be something poking out at some point.

With Christmas coming up, perhaps the neighborhood can all pitch in on some new pajama pants for Dude. I'm sure he would be overjoyed! If you would like to donate as well, feel free to contact me. I assure you all proceeds will go to the Dude Pajama Pants Christmas Fund. Get in the Christmas spirit and donate god dammit!

Nancy is Leaving Steve!

2009-12-05T16:10:00.003-06:00

While inspecting her new home, Kelly looked in this dresser in the guest room that is built into the wall for no goddamn reason (in fact several things, including the entertainment center, are securely attached to the wall as if we get fucking earthquakes in Wisconsin). In addition to a pair of women's underwear, it contained some incredible pieces of Trailer Park Lore.

There were several personal documents dating to 2005 that belonged to a former owner named Steve. These included old pay stubs (he worked at some glass company in Milwaukee) and a few threatening notices from the City of Milwaukee for him not paying taxes on some property he owned (oh no!). But by far the most amusing piece of lore was a letter from a woman named Nancy who was fed up with his glass-making, property tax-not-paying, boozing ways. For your entertainment, I will now post the unedited contents of the letter:

Steve,
I'm exhausted of telling you about you're drinking. You leave me no choice. I'm sorry but you either quit drinking and cut down on your smoke or quit that, too. You have no respect for me or anything else. How you can keep taking that van to the bar. I appreciate what you've done for me the past 5 years but I also helped you out alot, too. You will go to AA. If not, good bye. I'll miss you but I can't do this anymore. Please understand. I know you'll never quit drinking. It's just your nature. Something I never will change on you. This is you're choice. Please don't beg to stay. If you know you can't quit drinking, please start moving your stuff out this weekend. I'll contact the travel agent to see what my options are. I'm sorry but I can't do it anymore. Please don't brush this off. Like you normally do. I'm dead serious! You owe me $160 for utilities and I have $440 in your envelope to go towards the ticket to Reno.
Please Understand
I've tried!
Nancy

Wow. Such a heartbreaking tale. Not only is she leaving him, she is flying to Reno, home of the world's finest police force! There was also another page to the letter, which seemed to be an addition after the original one was written.

If you choose not to go to AA, which I'll bet on it you don't. I will still go with you to see you're family but it will be to say good by to them. I won't keep in contact with them. They'll understand. I'll start separating your DVD's. Do you need boxes? We just threw a bunch out. Please let me know. I do love you but sometimes you just have to let the things you love go to keep you're sanity.

Powerful. These historical documents show that Kelly's new trailer has much more history than Dick's ex-wife and her lover. If the "curse" of that trailer continues, she will no doubt be in store for some incredible romantic drama!

The Girl Next Door

2009-12-05T15:35:00.002-06:00

If you remember back to "Closing with Dick" one of the trailers next to mine has been up for sale and sitting vacant for a long time. Well, after almost a year of living here, that is no longer true.

I noticed some activity over there recently (people cleaning and shit) so I figured something was up. Once the "Sold" sign was posted in the window, my suspicions were confirmed: Someone bought it (obviously). Thoughts began to race through my head at this new development. What kind of incredible freaks would these new neighbors be? An incontinent old lady? More pedophile stalkers? A trashy family with 10 shithead kids and no jobs?

The answer was none of the above. As luck would have it, the new tenant would be none other than Kelly, the hot receptionist from my last job. Just her. No kids. No bullshit. To quote the great philosopher Glenn Quagmire: "Giggity giggity goo!"

Apparently I was not the only one channeling their inner-Quagmire. As preparation for moving in, Kelly hired some dude to clean out the vents in her trailer to get rid of all the crap that has built up with it sitting vacant so long (and to get rid of the smell of the fat biker guy). He was a guy in his 40's who owns some sort of Vent Cleaner-Outer business or something. He showed up on a Saturday with his giant sucking tube thing. Except for the good part of an hour, he did nothing but hit on Kelly. He wanted to "clean out her vents" if you know what I mean...

Sick of this guy bullshitting around and wasting her time, Kelly called up her ex-boyfriend and his friend to come over and check out the furnace. Within 15 minutes of them showing up, Vent Sucker Guy miraculously got all his work done (after a sudden shift to an asshole attitude) and was on his way. The poor guy will just have to find someone else's "vents to clean out".

Ms. D vs. Jackson PD

2009-12-02T22:04:00.002-06:00

On the other side of Ms. D lives Agnes (another white-haired bitty with a stupid poodle). Agnes is nice enough to me, but seems to hate Ms. D for no apparent reason. She even bitches about dust and debris getting on her side of the lawn when Ms. D mows the grass.

A couple years ago when Agnes' husband (who I will call "Henry") was still alive, she would throw a fit when he was spotted outside talking to Ms. D. One time Ms. D. had a bunch of cookies left over from a family gathering. Henry was outside talking to her, and she gave him a cookie. From inside Agnes saw her give Henry SOMETHING (she was such a bitch to Henry that he couldn't eat anything she didn't approve of). She came outside and threw a shit-fit. She kept badgering Henry to tell her what he had, but Henry kept saying "Nothing". They went inside and that was the end of it right? Nope.

A short time later, Ms. D was out gardening, when who rolls up but Officer Dickweed. Officer Dickweed was a new hot-shot rookie at the time so he was ready to be intimidating and impose his will on the community. Rather than come right out and say why he was there, he wanted Ms. D to "confess". All he said to her was "What did you do??" Puzzled, she said "Nothing?" He shot back, "You know what you did! What was it?" She still had no clue what he was talking about. "What did you give to Henry???" Ms. D: "....a cookie?" Dickweed: "That's right! You gave him a cookie, and his wife is very upset! You better not do that again!" Oh my fucking god...

Still perplexed by the whole situation, Ms. D went to the police department to see what was actually in the police report and see if what was on file was as ridiculous as the actual situation. Sure enough, it was, and she gave her statement to the chief. The chief assured her (with a laugh) the no charges would be pressed. Legend has it to this day, Officer Dickweed is still teased by his fellow officers about "The Cookie Incident".

Flash-forward to present-day Brown Mountain Trailer Park. After so many creepy stalker issues with Nobama, Ms. D had an ADT security system installed. The state of Wisconsin has a program for stalker cases where they will pay for a home security system for victims of creeps like Nobama. All along, the Jackson PD had been cooperating with her and patrolling regularly and they even recommended this program to her. They wanted to catch Nobama as much as she did.

So she filed for the security system program. The problem is, she was DENIED. The state said there wasn't enough evidence and got on the case of Jackson PD for not catching this guy in 2 years of incidents. Suddenly, Jackson PD completely turned on Ms. D. They called her in to go over the situation. She described this meeting as "something from one of those crime drama shows where they turn completely Bad Cop on an innocent person". Of course, Dickweed was one of the cops there.

In the several hours she was there, they basically told Ms. D she was lying the whole time and that she was "lonely and wanted attention". They even had her sign a statement saying as such, which she did because they wore her out and she wanted to get out of there (just like a crime drama show!) Ladies and gentlemen, your Jackson Police Department!

So now poor Ms. D is on her own to fend off Nobama. I try to keep watch out and keep my porch lights on when he is around, but I can only do so much. She is even stuck paying for her whole security system and the monthly service. Luckily there have been no incidents since she got it. But, we shall see...

Nobama Sanford

2009-12-02T22:02:00.001-06:00

I have now seen what Nobama looks like since my original post about him. He most definitely looks like he could be a creepy stalker/pedophile. Picture the Unabomber without the beard... yeah...

Nobama seems like he could be the bastard child of Fred Sanford because he seems to collect a lot of fucking junk. Every time he comes to visit his mom, he has a trailer with some sort of run-down hunk of shit on it. He has had everything from lawnmowers, snowmobiles, jet skis, dishwashers, cars with Texas license plates - all in a state of disrepair. I have no idea what he is doing with all this bullshit, but it regularly takes up multiple parking spots in the middle of our cul-de-sac. Ms. D has complained to the park about this and it fell on deaf ears. She seems convinced that he is stealing this shit from places and selling it. I don't particularly agree, because he couldn't get jack shit for any of this crap unless he really, really fixed it up. Plus whoever he "stole" it from is probably glad that eyesore is out of their hands. Whatever.

Charlie the Stalker

2009-12-02T21:55:00.001-06:00

A few months back on a Friday night, I was sitting in my trailer bored (because I'm a loser) so I decided to stroll down to Action in Jackson. Basically it's an event at the local park with rides and a place for people to get drunk and watch shitty cover bands. It's about a mile or so away so I walked. While leaving, I went through the fence gate in the back of my house and crossed the street. Harmless enough right?

After an hour and a couple beers, I realized Action in Jackson sucks balls, so I headed home to drink beer I already paid for and kick some ass on Guitar Hero: Metallica. As I approached the trailer park, I noticed a cop waiting at the entrance. This wasn't uncommon because of Ms. D's troubles with Nobama. As I kept walking toward my back gate, the cop pulled out and drove up next to me. The lady cop asked "Were you walking through yards before?" I replied harmlessly "Uhh, yeah. I walked through the gate in my yard... why?" Her: "Well, someone called you in as a Peeping Tom. Someone said you were walking through yards looking in windows."

What the fuck? Not only did I just walk through MY OWN FUCKING YARD, I crossed the street immediately to the side where there are just factories. Oh, and I was wearing a goddamn white shirt. If I was going to do some stalking, I sure as fuck wouldn't be wearing a white shirt.

I explained to the cop what I did and she seemed satisfied with my answer. While she was writing down my information, I noticed Ms. D's name and address on the other page of her notebook. I asked "Oh, was it her that called me in?" The cop replied, "Uhh, no... it was another female..." BULLSHIT! It was totally Ms. D who called and thought I may have been Nobama lurking around waiting to sacrifice her in the name of the Republican Party! The cop then told me in a tone that suggested she felt like this was a waste of both of our time, "In the future, just walk through the actual park roads so I don't have to deal with these calls anymore." I agreed, and said under my breath "Apparently I can't walk through my own fucking yard anymore..."

Dropping Like Flies

2009-12-02T21:44:00.003-06:00

As I reported before, there is a glut of old-ass people in my cul-de-sac. Well, as of now there are 2 fewer geriatrics. First off, the old blind WWII vet that lived across from me passed away. I'm not here to make fun of his passing, there were just some odd things after it happened.

This guy was in pretty rough shape for a while. He had several 911 calls and ambulance visits since I've been here. So many in fact that the people next to him COMPLAINED TO THE PARK about all the commotion. These people are newer than me in the neighborhood so they weren't used to it, but what the fuck is the guy supposed to do? Not call 911?? If you lived by yourself, were blind as shit, and had health problems what else would you do? It was his desire to die in his own home and not rot away in some crooked "retirement" home, so leave him the fuck alone.

The day he passed away, I noticed 2 cops and an ambulance outside his house, but they didn't seem to be in any hurry. I went to play a softball game and came home and the ambulance was gone but there were now THREE cops sitting out there just shooting the shit. I wandered over and inquired as to what happened. I asked the cop (who I will refer to as Officer Dickweed) if something bad happened and he simply told me in an assholic tone "It's not a good sign when we're here this long is it?" Whatever, Dickweed.

Ms. D later confirmed for me that he did die and the cops basically sat outside his trailer until cover of night allowed them to take the corpse out. A few days later, a ginormous dumpster was placed in his driveway and his family would come and junk a lot of his shit. One thing I found disturbing is that they hauled THREE refrigerators out and let them sit outside. What did that guy need 3 refrigerators for? Visions of him being Jeffrey Dahmer's grandfather went through my mind, especially with the odd lengthy police presence. But, I guess no dismembered bodies were found.

While OBWWIIV didn't want to wallow away in a home, Mildred actually jumped at the chance! Apparently Mildred had been getting Meals on Wheels for a while, and she thought they were as good as dog shit so she stopped eating. When Mildred stops eating, Mildred starts getting weird (see: "Mildred Has the Sixth Sense"). So her family decided to have her visit a "home" for a bit and see what it was like. Well, she LIKED THE FOOD SO MUCH BETTER that she came home and packed her bags to go live at the old folks' home! So if an old lady likes the food at a retirement home a lot better than Meals on Wheels, what the hell does that say about Meals on Wheels? I'm not complaining though, now nobody lives on either side of me!!!! Walking nude in front of the windows, here we come!!

Ms. D vs. Nobama

2009-12-02T21:39:00.003-06:00

The lady who Mildred ran to (who I will call "Ms. D", a really nice lady in her mid-40's who talks too goddamn much) when she saw dead people apparently has a stalker. The old lady a few houses down on the other side of me (yes, there are a lot of freaking old people around here) has a son that helps her out with a lot of stuff. He lives in Michigan but is fucking almost always here. I get the urge to ram his car everytime I come home because he has retarded bumperstickers that say "Buck Ofama!" and an OBAMA acronym that says "One Big Ass Mistake America" (among many others). So obviously this guy advertises that he is an overt conservative redneck whackjob.

Ms. D told me about all the problems she's been having with this guy (who I will call "Nobama"). It started out with him helping her out after she had neck surgery with things around her house/yard. He must have developed a boner for her because it progressed into him asking her on dates, which she turned down. He then started saying creepy things like "Back in Michigan this lady wants me to fuck his 16 year-old daughter but I won't because I'd rather fuck you." Eventually Ms. D kindly told him she didn't need his help anymore and to leave her alone. But apparently some people (mainly freaks like Nobama) can't accept rejection. (Also, she looked him up online and he's a sex offender in Michigan, if that tells you anything...)

He has been getting back at her for the past year and a half (she can't prove it but she knows it's him) in very sick and twisted ways including:
- Dousing her plants with weed killer
- Putting rabbit guts and maggots on her porch
- Putting a Steve Irwin sticker on her mailbox that used to say "No Worries" but was altered to just say "Worries"
- Putting a used hypodermic needle in her mailbox
- Messing with her motion light so it goes on and off then disappearing when she comes out to look
- Killing 2 birds and posing them in her yard so they face each other
- Throwing rocks at her house in the middle of the night
- Stealing her garbage and looking through it (she's noticed her garbage missing just after putting it out, then later sees it down the road with Nobama's mom's garbage)

Is that not some creepy fucking shit? The fact that this guy has to go past my house to get to hers is unnerving.

None of this stuff happens to other people in the area, so it's pretty evident Nobama is behind this because he's a psycho stalker. Ms. D has contacted the police many times when these things have happened but they never seem to be able to catch him in the act. They don't believe she's making it up either. They have told her "when he does this stuff, don't go outside, we don't want to find you dead in your yard." They patrol through here multiple times per night for this reason. I can only hope that Nobama doesn't develop a crush on me because I will have to blast his ass into oblivion with a shotgun.

Mildred Has the Sixth Sense

2009-12-02T21:33:00.002-06:00

My next tale involves the ancient mummy on the other side of me (I'll call her "Mildred"). Mildred is an 80-something shut-in who is EXTREMELY hard of hearing. I know this by the fact that her TV is almost always on OBSCENELY loud to the point it can be clearly heard just outside my door, and can be heard muffled inside my house if there is no noise. Even though Mildred has basically lost her hearing, she still has 5 keen senses left: Taste, touch, sight, smell, PLUS she sees dead people!

I have only seen Mildred outside maybe 3 or 4 times in 6 months. I'll tell you about one time in particular. I was sitting in my bitchin' leather recliner watching something badass like Prison Break when I see 2 of Jackson's (the town I live in, stupid) finest pull up right outside. I see them get out of their cars and seemingly walk towards my house (as I start to think "you can't prove I blew up those mailboxes 5 years ago!") I look out the window and they are in front of Mildred's house talking to her as she is freaking out about something. 2 of the other neighbors are outside talking with the cops as well. After a while, the female cop leaves and the male cop goes inside Mildred's house to check things out. He's in there for like a fucking hour. After that he leaves and I notice something odd: the eery silence of a TV not blaring. This silence actually continued for a few days. I postulated that Mildred had finally lost her mind and the cops dragged her away to an old folk's home/insane asylum.

Once I got a chance to talk to the neighbors, I found out I was partly right. Mildred had gone next door freaking out for the neighbor lady to call the cops. She claimed that there was a dead man and dead little girl on her porch. They went over to check it out and there was nothing there, but Mildred insisted there were dead people, and they were now moving around the house. So the cops were called and while the cop was in her house, he was looking for dead people while she waited outside in the cold. He didn't find anything (duh) but to calm her down he said he made the dead people leave and they were gone now (hahaha). But she still insisted they were there.

Eventually, her nephew was called to take crazy old Aunt Mildred to the hospital. Apparently when they got there, Mildred got "medicated" and was cleared to leave. She was calm the whole way back home, but as soon as they arrived at her house, the goddamned dead people were there again. This resulted in a second trip to the hospital where Mildred got "heavily medicated" and kept a few days for observation (thus why she was gone for a while). Since her return, there have been no recurring dead people episodes. I think they gave her a new hearing aid too because I barely hear her TV anymore (THANK GOD!)

Closing with Dick

2009-12-02T21:08:00.002-06:00

My very first misadventure naturally started with my first experience in Brown Mountain (what I like to call the park I live in): Closing Day. I arrived to close on my trailer and finally met the guy who was selling it for the 1st time (I'll call him "Dick"). Dick was waiting for me outside and immediately after introducing himself, he decided to "tell me about the neighborhood." The short version of what he told me was basically (pointing to trailers) "She's a bitch, she's a bitch, she's crazy, she's nice but really old, he's cool, watch out for them, I don't know them, that guy is a super-old blind WWII veteran." Thanks, Dick! I haven't even bought my fucking house yet and I'm already concerned about the neighbors. But, I've always been one to make my own judgments about people because some people are dicks and don't get along with anyone (and I eventually decided Dick is one of those dicks). I haven't had much of a problem with anyone here yet.

Dick also decided to tell me his personal story. He had lived in my trailer with his wife for several years until he caught her cheating on him with the fat hairy biker guy who lived next door. Dick kicked her ass out, then moved in with his dad and put the trailer up for sale where it sat vacant for over a year until I bought it. Dick's ex-wife and biker dude eventually got their own trailer together not far from here and biker dude's trailer still sits vacant next to mine. Oh, and while my house was sitting empty for that year, someone broke in and stole the water heater so Dick had to replace it as part of our purchase contract. Who the fuck does that???

Welcome to the Trailer Park!

2009-12-02T20:47:00.000-06:00

My name is Trailer Park Charlie. I own a trailer in a small town in Southeastern Wisconsin that I bought in November 2008. I grew up in a middle class family, so I'm not your stereotypical trailer trash. It just came time for me to get the hell out of my parents' house and I decided buying a trailer was the best way to do that.

These are the true stories of some of the bizarre shit that happens in my neighborhood and in my life. This blog started as a couple larger posts on my Myspace page. It was so successful that I decided to create a Blogger page and share this crap with the world.

So sit down on your beer cooler, put on your flannel, smack the wife so she shuts the fuck up and enjoy The Misadventures of Trailer Park Charlie!