Thursday, September 19, 2013

Handyman Wars

As I approach the 5th anniversary of my move to Brown Mountain, I've begun to address things on my trailer that have become worn down since I moved in. Most of it I've managed to figure out myself through experimentation/ghetto rigging. But when the time came to re-seal my ailing, moss-encrusted roof, I decided to pay someone with the know-how to do it correctly. When the Brown Mountain Gazette is delivered each month, there is a classified section where people around the park advertise a bunch lame "services" nobody cares about like basket weaving and lamps made out of deer antlers. There has always been a handyman advertisement in there as well by a guy named Kenny.

Kenny the Handyman, who lives pretty close to me, offers to do all those odd jobs around your house that you don't want to do, including roofing. I decided to give Kenny a call to see if he would re-seal my roof before that brutal bitch called Winter hit. Kenny didn't answer, so I left him a message and eagerly awaited him to call back. Except he never did.

I consulted the Brown Mountain Gazette again and found an ad for Joe's Handyman Service. He claimed to be a certified roofer with 30 years of experience PLUS his work was insured. I called up Joe the Handyman and he answered! He was already better than Kenny. I explained what I needed and he said he would come over and take a look. He was living nearby in the 3rd section of Brown Mountain, which I guess you could call the more "upscale" sector.

Within minutes, Joe's girlfriend drove him over with his ladder and he took a look at the roof. He explained what he would need to do and how he'd do a few extra things like replace some siding on my shed and clean the gutters for free. "I do all kinds of work for people and I do it fast," he told me. "I ripped apart my friend's bathroom in half a day. All I need is enough Mountain Dew, Monster Energy, and Godsmack and I'll have your roof done in no time!" I assumed he meant the band Godsmack and not the method of shooting heroin into both of his arms, but around here, you never know.

Once I confirmed Joe could do the work that week, I knew he was the man for the job. Then, without me ever mentioning that I called Kenny before, he says "You're right to have me do this and not that guy Kenny that lives around here. He doesn't know what he's doing and he'll overcharge you. I've been doing this for 30 years!" So, apparently Joe the Handyman and Kenny the Handyman are bitter rivals. My imagination created a scene where Joe was on my roof doing the job Kenny could have had, when Kenny walks by and sees him. Kenny then scampers up on the roof and engages in a battle with Joe where the winner throws the other handyman off the roof. Sadly, this never came to fruition.

A couple days passed while Joe and I worked out the logistics of the job and the time came for him to take half of the payment from me and run off to Menard's to shop for materials. "I've been excited to do this!" he exclaimed. "I've been getting antsy sitting around for three days waiting to get up on the roof. I get up at 5:30 every day and if I don't have a job to do, I start to go nuts." So apparently Joe the Handyman REALLY likes roofing. I explained to him that I definitely did NOT get up at 5:30 every day so coming over any time after 9 AM would be acceptable.

Joe went off on his merry way to buy supplies and returned at 9:30 the next morning. I let him plug an extension cord in so he could listen to his radio. Who doesn't like listening to music while they work? Except instead of listening to Godsmack, he blared the local country station loud enough for the whole park to hear. Between that and his heavy walking on my roof, I thought the honky-tonk music would become the soundtrack of him crashing through the roof into my kitchen.

After a couple hours, he came down for a cigarette break. I went outside to see how things were progressing. The job was going nicely. But he was more interested in more unprovoked badmouthing of Kenny. "That guy Kenny is such a hack. He did some work at 'my girl's' place before I moved in with her. He charged her $1400 and did everything half-assed. I ended up having to redo most of the work he did. I told her I could have done that for half the price in half the time. Once I start getting more happy customers around here, Kenny will lose business. You should refer people to me if you know anyone who needs work done."

I had to leave to go to a wedding, so I locked up the house and let Joe do his thing. We resolved to finalize payment after the weekend was over. He later called me and left a message letting me know everything was done. Things worked out great for both of us... until the next day.

While I was sleeping off my wedding hangover into the late morning, Joe was frantically trying to get a hold of me. I woke up to three voice mails and two text messages from him. There was a huge problem, and it wasn't with my roof. Apparently Joe and his girl were headed for Splitsville. His two text messages said this:

"Need to talk to you ASAP about $ cause my girl now told me she wants me out. I got insurance info for you."

Then an hour and nine minutes later...

PLEASE got ahold of me soon!! She is being a real BITC*!!! Need to get out of here!

I then listened to his voice mails and got further info on this breaking story. Apparently his girlfriend and their neighbor had been getting drunk from 1 in the afternoon until 4:30 in the morning. When she was done getting hammered and killing a whole bottle of Bacardi and Captain Morgan, she came inside and started freaking out on Joe and told him he had to move out immediately. He wanted to oblige and go back to a place he has in Sheboygan, except there was one problem - He still needed the rest of his payment from me before he skipped town. This is what touched off his frantically trying to get a hold of me.

I began raucously laughing out loud as I heard the messages and the urgency in his voice. I knew I had one of the best Trailer Park Charlie stories I've had in quite some time. I called Joe back and he continued to fill me in on details. He kept using the phrase "World War III" to describe the situation. I mercifully invited him over to collect payment so he could escape from his bitchy woman.

The odd/hilarious thing was, his now ex-girlfriend is the one who drove him over again so he could throw his ladder in her pickup truck. Joe, always the talkative one, stood there and complained about her even more WHILE SHE SAT THERE IN THE TRUCK STARING ANGRILY AT US. It was then that I found out the root cause that started World War III. Joe said after he went home from working on my roof, he tracked roofing sealant into his girlfriend's trailer and onto the new carpeting. Since she was busy drinking with the neighbor, she didn't discover it until 4:30 AM whilst being completely shitfaced, which caused her to flip out on poor Joe the Handyman.

So the best part of this tale is that Trailer Park Charlie actually had a hand in Joe getting evicted from Brown Mountain. If I'd never contacted him to work on my roof on the particular day that his girlfriend was being a lush, he never would have gotten the roofing sealant I paid for on her carpet. But if Walter has taught me anything, it's that these trailer park live-in relationships are extremely volatile and can end at any time. So, it probably would have happened eventually.

Joe did do a great job on my roof and I would have referred him to other people but now he is gone. In the end, Kenny the Handyman may have made his greatest business move by not returning my call. Doing so led me to Joe the Handyman, who is now vanquished forever because of me. Well played, Kenny.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Brown Mountain Spy Satellite

When I write posts for this blog, it's sometimes difficult for me to effectively explain the spatial relationships between the crazy events that take place and the trailer park homes of those involved. But at the same time, it's important to convey that message and help the reader understand just how close in proximity everyone is here. Well thanks to the intrusive magic of Google Maps, I have a photo representation of EXACTLY how my neighborhood is laid out!

Below is a numbered photo with a legend to point out whose house is whose. #1 is my trailer, which is where the magic of this blog is created. You'll notice it's completely swallowed up by trees. It does prevent the Google astronauts from spying on me, but it also causes me to rake up a ridiculous amount of leaves and prevents me from getting a satellite dish. Anything that happens in the parking area in the middle is like being in a fish bowl that can have its glass tapped on by anyone in the area.

Now that you know where I come from, you can use this map as a handy tool to visualize future AND past posts so you can get the FULL Brown Mountain experience. Hell, print it out and hang it on your wall for all I care. For example, you can now trace Nobama's path to trek from #10, right past me and a few others, to stalk Ms. D at #3. Or, you can see how contentious the rivalry is between Ms. D. and Agnes because they are practically right on top of each other in #3 and #4.


Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Brown Mountain Police Blotter Roundup #5

It's time for a long-overdue Brown Mountain Police Blotter Roundup! As always, these tales are written by friend of the blog Police Chief Jed Dolnick, posted on the Jackson PD website, then have snide commentary added to them by me.

July 7 At about 11:30 PM, Officers Gerke and Oswald were dispatched to a Brown Mountain residence regarding a tire slashing. The victim said she discovered air hissing from two slashed tires just as a neighbor slammed the front door of his trailer. She said the neighbor has made threatening and derogatory remarks towards her African-American friends. As a friend escorted her own children out of the trailer, and in full view of the officers, the neighbor started screaming a variety of obscenities at them. The 30-year-old man was arrested for disorderly conduct. While en route to the County Jail, the man made threats against the neighbor as well as her friends, using the N-word with enthusiasm. Later, the man moved out of the trailer to an unknown destination and the woman obtained a restraining order against him.

A racist man living in a trailer park??? What is this place coming to?! It sounds like on the way to jail this dude was using "the N-Word" as much as actual black rap artists do in their songs. As for his current whereabouts, I'm guessing he moved to somewhere this sort of behavior is more acceptable... like Alabama.

On July 7 at 10:21 PM, Officers Oswald and Gerke were dispatched to a Brown Mountain residence, where a 54-year-old woman said three costumed men, one of whom was dressed as a clown, were attempting to break into a neighboring trailer. She also said that one of the men came to her porch the previous day and began to disassemble her grill.

Oh shit! There are evil clowns in Brown Mountain??? I'm getting the fuck out of here! I fucking hate clowns!

On July 11, a Brown Mountain resident told Chief Dolnick that she had received a hand written note from a man to visit and stay with him in Michigan. She also said that the man had dropped off a riding lawnmower for her to keep but she had refused it. When interviewed by Officer Henning, the man freely admitted everything and was told to leave the woman alone.

YES! This is the incident of Nobama giving Ms. D a birthday card, which my last post was about! She never told me he also gave her a riding lawnmower for her birthday. What a thoughtful guy!

July 29 At 1:40 AM, a 24 year old Brown Mountain woman told Officers Gerke and Oswald that her intoxicated boyfriend was throwing all of her belongings into garbage bags and out the door. She didn’t want to press charges, just an escort to gather her property. Upon arrival, the officers did, indeed, see bags of clothing on the driveway. As the woman collected them, the man woke up and inquired, “What the f*** is going on?” When Officer Gerke said the woman was just getting her belongings, he asked, perhaps rhetorically, “Why did you call the f***ing police?” As they left, he bid her a hearty “Go f*** yourself” and went back inside.

Well, what if all of this woman's belongings actually WERE garbage? Then he's just cleaning up his house. Props to The Chief for the rhetorical comment.

On August 17 at 3:45 AM, Officers Borkowski and Laabs were dispatched to a Brown Mountain residence where an elderly woman reported strange noises coming from the furnace. Officer Laabs traced the noise to a bag of old smoke alarms that were in a cabinet near the furnace; their batteries had grown old and were beeping.

Oh, those haunted furnaces! Call me crazy but I thought that smoke alarms were more effective when properly mounted on the ceiling and not stuffed in a dusty old cabinet.

Aug 12th At about 5 PM, Officer Oswald was dispatched to a Brown Mountain residence in response to an "unknown trouble" call. However, when he arrived the caller told him that it had been a mistake. The screams that she heard coming from another trailer were actually coming from a parrot who was upset about being put outside of its cage while it was being cleaned.

RAWK! Stop cleaning up my shit! RAWK! Perhaps this parrot was imitating what he heard during the incident on July 29th...

Sept 10 At 6:35 PM, Officer Krueger was dispatched to a Brown Mountain residence, where a 47-year-old woman complained that her son should be removed because he wasn't paying for his food or rent. The 23-year-old explained that he moved home after graduating from college, had a job, and had written a check for $350 towards the rent. The mother had been drinking, and the young man explained that his mother often becomes angry when she's intoxicated. Officer Krueger advised the complainant that this was a civil matter and she would have to evict her son.

But mom! I went off to school, got my degree, got a job, and am paying the rent! Maybe it's your stupid drunk ass that should be evicted!

October 4 - At 9:20 PM, a caller reported that a driver was leaving Brown Mountain after snorting Percocet. Officer Henning spotted the vehicle on Main & Jackson Drive and stopped it for an equipment violation. The 37 year Port Washington man’s pupils were constricted and there was bluish white powder in his nostrils. When asked about this, he admitted to snorting a half of a pill. The man failed field tests and was arrested; the blood tests could take six months or more. The reporting person had either sold (according to the driver) or “loaned” (according to the woman) the pills. She was cited for delivery of a controlled substance.

I would hope the bluish white powder on this dude's nose actually was Percocet and not Viagra. Otherwise Officer Henning might have had a HARD time arresting him... get it??? As for the lady, she just wanted to help out a guy who was having a bad day by LOANING him some Percocet. He promised to give it back.


Not from Brown Mountain, but still awesome!

On July 31 at about 2:00 PM, Officer Henning, later backed-up by Deputy Survis, was dispatched to a Chestnut Court apartment, after a 16 year old girl went berserk because she didn’t have as much taco dip as her sister. She placed in secure detention and referred to juvenile authorities for battery, criminal damage to property and disorderly conduct.

I'm a man who loves his taco dip. Sure, it really sucks when my sisters are hogging it all and it runs out. But I'm not going to go berserk over it and start breaking shit. I'll just do something more passive like not get them something for Christmas. The cops can't do shit about that.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Vote For Nobama in 2012!

Why do I want you to vote for Nobama? Because after recent events, some "campaigning" by him if you will, he is the front-runner to be re-elected as Creepiest Person in Brown Mountain!

Nobama's Mama was put into an assisted living home a few months back, but that hasn't stopped him from hanging around Brown Mountain and stalking Ms. D. His mom's trailer is for sale but he has been staying in it semi-often to "maintain the place". But it's really just been a base of operations for his disturbing actions.

I actually had an in-person encounter with him for the first time ever the other day. I was walking my dog and he was out by his Anti-Obama sticker-covered truck. My dog pretty much runs up to anyone and jumps to be petted. But after running up to Nobama for about 2 seconds, he ran back to me. Dogs have always been known to be a good judge of human character and it appears Nobama doesn't get the stamp of approval from mine.

As for Ms. D, well, she doesn't care for him much either. As I mentioned in my last post, she has a thing for writing letters to her neighbors. So as soon as I saw an envelope with my name and a dumb smiley face on it under the windshield wiper of my Jeep, I knew it had to be from her. I can't help but share with you a picture of the actual letter:

(I wonder if the angry letter she wrote for Walter also had Meerkat Manor stationary)

Apparently me leaving my porch light on helps her feel safer. When she first told me about Nobama a couple years ago, I said I would leave my 2nd outside light on to see if I could spot him lurking at night. This light is a little further away from the porch and is basically a spot light that points right towards her trailer. Well, I forgot about my generous offer, but I use that light during the summer instead of the normal porch light so I don't have to walk thru a big ass swarm of bugs to get inside. I guess I've been inadvertently keeping Ms. D safe by doing this?

After getting this hilarious letter, I had to find out the whole story from her (for blogging purposes of course!) I bit the bullet and decided to talk to her, knowing it could take up an extensive part of my life. But I strategized well enough that it didn't take long. I went to talk to her outside after I came back from getting a delicious Cousin's sub and a 6 pack of beer. This way she could tell I was eager to eat dinner and get my drank on, so she wouldn't talk for goddamn ever. 

She said the night of her birthday, Nobama was pounding on her door and wouldn't leave. Knowing it was him, she was afraid to answer it so she called the cops. Of course they didn't arrive until after he went away. However, he didn't go away without leaving her a nice birthday card first! In it, Nobama proclaimed his love for Ms. D and implored her to move to Michigan with him so they could be together and he would give her anything she wanted. Suffice to say, she was not flattered by the offer. 

The next day, she called and talked to Trailer Park Charlie fan Police Chief Dolnick and told him about the incident. The Chief then spoke to Nobama and told him if he had any more interaction with Ms. D whatsoever they were going to have a problem and he would be glad to help her get a restraining order. Go Chief!

I haven't seen Nobama around again since the incident. I am still keeping my porch light on just in case he starts prowling again. So keep this in mind when you are at the polling station this November and trying to decide who the creepiest person in Brown Mountain is. Remember to VOTE NOBAMA! Four more years! Four more years!

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Ms. D vs. Walter

It's been well-documented on this blog that Ms. D and her next-door neighbor Agnes completely despise each other. Well apparently Ms. D has sparked up a rivalry with Walter, her neighbor on the other side as well. He detailed to me a few "incidents" that have happened lately that I will gladly share now.

Ms. D's most distinctive feature is that she talks A LOT. 90% of this talking is her complaining about a bunch of stupid shit. Whenever I'm about to pull up to my trailer and I see her outside, I try to sneak inside without her detecting me because I know that if she starts talking to me I will lose at least 15 minutes of my awesome life that I will never get back.

Walter lives right next to her, so it's extremely difficult to avoid her. One day when he came home from a hard day's work driving a garbage truck (I guess the used car salesman thing didn't work out) Ms. D was outside and he was in no mood to listen to her bitching. She started talking to him and he went off on her, saying "I had a long day and I'm crabby and I don't want to listen to you right now!" then stormed inside his trailer.

Walter forgot all about the tiff until the next day when he discovered a two page note taped to his car. In it, Ms. D detailed her anguish over his rudeness, exclaiming "I hate to be ignored!" and "I was up all night crying because you were mean to me!" Walter would eventually apologize to her (probably to avoid getting an even longer, even more absurd note later on).

Walter also infuriated Ms. D once by mowing his lawn at 9 AM on a Sunday. Village ordinance states that lawn mowing may begin at 8 AM, so he wasn't in the wrong. But for a neurotic insomniac like Ms. D, this was WAY over the line. She explained to him that she doesn't fall asleep until 4 or 5 in the morning and doesn't wake up until early afternoon so he needs to mow later. She claimed "I didn't appreciate it, and I'm sure Charlie didn't appreciate it either!" WHOA, leave me out of this. While I'm not an early weekend riser by any means, I usually just sleep through it when he mows the lawn because I was up late drinking on Saturday. Besides, she is on disability and doesn't have a goddamn job, so what's the big fucking deal if her "beauty" sleep gets interrupted?

Ms. D has also found issue with the small vegetable garden that Walter started. She claims that it's going to attract foxes who are going to eat the veggies, and she has seen snakes crawling around in it. Then she complained about him having a fire in a portable fire pit too close to her house. The problem is, Ms. D has the same fire pit and she uses it whenever the hell she wants and nobody cares. Of course, she sits around the fire by herself because nobody in their right mind would want to join her.

I will have to keep up on the progress of this budding rivalry because it could get interesting. Walter is now convinced that "[Ms. D] and [Bernice] pretty much think they own this cul-de-sac!" Ah, if only you fools knew that TRAILER PARK CHARLIE actually owns this area, and in fact the whole park! 

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Ask the Chief

After my recent interaction with the Jackson Chief of Police, I decided to roll the dice and see if he'd be willing to do an email interview. Sure enough he was! I'd like to express a huge appreciation to Chief Jed Dolnick for taking the time to appease a renegade blogger like me! Enjoy the interview.

How did you discover the Misadventures of Trailer Park Charlie?
One of my officers actually discovered it and relayed the link to me.

What is your experience with the "Brown Mountain" Trailer Park?
The park is like most neighborhoods; most of our time is devoted to a small percentage of the residents. The majority just live their lives in peace.  

Keeping in mind I don't use their real names, would my neighbors have any legal recourse if they found out I write about them? 
I'm not an attorney and I don't play one on TV, so I can't help you on that.  

Where were you working before becoming the illustrious Jackson Police Chief?
I worked at the Washington County Sheriff's Department from 1977 until I was appointed Police Chief in 2001.
(I followed up by asking him if he knew my old high school teacher Mr. Hayes. Any of you SHS grads out there definitely know who I'm talking about! He did, in fact "Know Gene very well)!"  

What's the most bizarre police call you've ever been on? 
When I was a rookie deputy, I went with another officer to a cabin in the Town of Erin. Two old fellows lived there, and occupied their time drinking rot gut whiskey. They had what we called "The Never Ending Pot of Stew". This was, literally, a pot of stew that was kept cooking all the time, and they just kept adding to it. I have no idea what they put in it. One of the old boys offered me his bottle, but I declined. The call itself, an argument between one of the men and a visiting nephew, wasn't as interesting as the tableau itself.

Here in Jackson, the officers have handled such things as the young girl who was forced to wear a dog shock collar; several cases involving Milwaukee call girls; the drunk who drove his pickup truck into an apartment building; and "cat hoarding" (houses filled with cats... and filth).  

If you weren't a police officer, what would you be doing?
Radio broadcasting was my first career choice.  

Would you ever be a cop in a whacko town like Sheboygan? 
Sheboygan, which means "Spirit on the Lake", is a lovely community on Lake Michigan. It's famous for its white beaches and bratwurst.
(I believe this is The Chief's creative way of saying "No comment...") For another keg full of laughs, check out this Twitter feed someone does for shit they hear on the Sheboygan police scanner. Thanks to Trailer Park reader KAO for pointing it out!!/sheboyganscan 

In your Ask the Chief section on the Jackson PD website, do you ever receive any questions that are so incredibly stupid you just delete them right away?
No, actually I think they're all fairly reasonable. People often have assumptions about police work that they get from the news, TV dramas, and movies. You can see that in some of the questions.

If you could be a fictional law enforcement-type character, who would you be? Mustachioed Magnum P.I.? Badass Counter-terrorist superagent Jack Bauer? Intimidating, gravelly-voiced Dirty Harry? Bumbling buffoon Frank Drebin? Someone else?
Lennie Briscoe (Law and Order)  

Do cops really enjoy donuts? 
No more or less than everyone else. This story got started because in many communities 24 hour doughnut stores were the only places open for the night shift. No matter what the shift, meal breaks can be interrupted. A doughnut and coffee is a quick refreshment, and you're not out a lot of money if you need to leave quickly.  

Have you seen Super Troopers? If so, do cops actually pull antics like that to keep things interesting?
I thought "Super Troopers" was hilarious. As with other occupations, cops sometimes play practical jokes on each other, but it should never involve the public as was shown in the movie.... not even the "Meow" trick.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Mystery Solved

Since I began publishing my "Brown Mountain Police Blotter Roundup" posts, I have been longing to find out who writes the "Notable Incidents" list on the Jackson PD website. I enjoy their writing style and condescending use of humor against the criminals. I always pictured it being some police intern/secretary who had nothing better to do so they were tasked with writing the police blotter. To make it interesting, they put their own little spin on things. I never actually thought I would find out who was behind the Notable Incidents, but that unexpectedly changed!

I checked my Official Trailer Park Charlie e-mail ( a couple days ago. Amongst the numerous spam emails from Google, I found one with a subject of "Police Blotter". I eagerly opened it and found the answer to my burning question. It wasn't some low level intern that writes the blotter, it's the Chief of Police himself, and he personally e-mailed me from his Jackson PD e-mail account!!! The Chief had this to say:

(Quoting what I said:)"After reading many of these tales from the actual Jackson PD "Notable Incidents" site, I find myself really wanting to meet the person who writes them. They seem to have almost as much fun with it as I do."

That would be me, Charlie! I started doing it in 2003 because some residents would say, "Why do we need a police department? Nothing happens in sleepy little Jackson". I thought they should see what does happen. We're not unique..... every community has its share. There's no such thing as "Mayberry", unfortunately.

Thanks for putting your email address on your blog, so I could say hello.

I know I've made it as a blogger when I get the attention of the Chief of Police! So, Chief Jed Dolnick is the masked writer I have been looking for. I have been critical of Jackson PD at times, but now I'm proud to say I live in a town watched over by someone with a great sense of humor.

Notable Incidents isn't the only writing Chief Dolnick does either. He has an "Ask the Chief" section in which he responds to the idiotic questions of Jackson residents. I found that he uses the same type of humor to respond to these queries by using references to "The Blues Brothers", a southern tobacco-spitting sheriff, and even driving naked. Here are some of the better responses from Ask the Chief:

Why would a police car be parked with its engine running, when gas is so expensive?

Yes, that does look wasteful. The problem is that the radio, laptop computer, and video camera are all drawing power. The only way to prevent the battery from being rapidly depleted is to either keep the engine running or turn it, and the equipment, off. The computer and camera take time to reboot and sign-on, and that's a problem if the officers gets an assignment. Just like the movie, "Blues Brothers", our squads have "cop batteries" and "cop alternators", but that doesn't prevent this problem or keep us from shelling out a lot of money to replace ruined batteries. That's why you'll sometimes see a squad locked and running.

I have a neighbor who brags that he has friends in the police department, so he feels he can do whatever he wants.(Note: That isn't a question!)

Some people claim to "have connections" to impress others and make themselves feel important. The connection could be to the police, a politician, an influential business person, or even a celebrity. However, there can be a more sinister purpose: intimidation. In this case, neighbors were afraid to call the police department when the man was having loud parties late into the evening. They believed that the man's "friends on the police department" wouldn't do anything, and might even retaliate against them for complaining.

There are other variations of this theme. Last year, our officers were called to a tavern fight. The victims were immediately on the defensive because they felt the "local cops" wouldn't protect them. I don't know why they assumed the other patrons were Jackson residents. When I worked for the sheriff's department, I handled several incidents in which a non-resident assumed I would take the side of a "local" against an "outsider". The "outsider vs. local" scenario might be due to many movies and television shows. There's the cowboy who comes into a town where they "don't cotton to strangers". Another familiar theme: the college kids driving to Florida for Spring Break who get into trouble with a small town Southern police chief or sheriff (who inevitably says, "I run a nice clean town" while spitting tobacco juice).

It was difficult for me to convince the caller that no one should hesitate to call us for help. Even if the neighbor was a personal friend of an officer (which he isn't) that friendship would end if it was used as the caller described. Our actions must be, and are, based on an unbiased application of the law. As Judge James Edwin Horton said in the "Scottsboro Boys" case (Alabama, 1933), "We have only to do our duty without fear or favor".

Is it really against the law to drive without your shoes on?

No. As far as the motor vehicle code is concerned, you don't even need to be dressed (but don't try that since it would be against the law).

These are just a few of the many responses The Chief gives to his brain-dead citizens. If you want to see more, go check out "Ask the Chief" to find out what he says to retarded queries like:

- Why were "Recall Walker" people allowed to collect signatures on village property?

-I know someone who was stopped because the car was registered to his brother, who's suspended. The driver didn't do anything wrong, though. I thought the police needed a reason to stop a vehicle.

- Why does Jackson have so many officers?

- Does your department unlock car doors?

- Your officers were handing out parking tickets during the village-wide rummage sale. That wasn't a very friendly thing to do, considering the village invited us.

- I got arrested, and my name was in the newspaper. How do I keep that a secret?

- What's With The Black Gloves?

- Who Can Drink Non-Alcoholic Beer?

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Brown Mountain Police Blotter Roundup #4

My hometown of Slinger, WI was recently featured on Jay Leno's police blotter segment. A dispute/cat fight broke out between two women who were arguing over who had the better parenting skills. While it's a great tale, it pales in comparison to the things that go on in Brown Mountain (Just like Leno pales in comparison to the guy he stole his gig back from - Conan O'Brien). As always, these are real police reports from the Jackson PD's "Notable Incidents" site. I'm becoming increasingly enamored with the person that writes them and think we should collaborate to make it the best police report journal in all of the land! Get a hold of me! (

July 26 At 11:35 PM, Officer Laabs made another trip to a cul-de-sac in Brown Mountain in which the neighbors have been feuding for years. In this episode, an 80-year-old woman complained that her neighbor has a motion sensor light that speaks, "Caution, you are on private property” every time she walks on her own driveway, which she feels is harassment. The other woman agreed to angle the motion sensor light a different way.

It wouldn't be a Police Blotter Roundup without an entry from Agnes and Ms. D! Ms. D implemented a top-notch security system after her troubles with Nobama, and apparently it's trying to keep Agnes away too (a good idea). The problem is, the security system is lying. Anyone just outside Ms. D's house is still on public property.

On August 6 shortly after midnight, a Brown Mountain man told Officer Foeger that an unknown man called and told him that if he didn’t get $20,000 he would “send four guys over in a Cadillac”.

Oh shit! Who wouldn't be freaked out by that? Officer Foeger would be no match for four guys in a Cadillac, whether they are packing heat or not. If I got a call like this, I would have to assume it was from The Bouncer.

August 9th At 8:06 PM, a 66-year-old Brown Mountain woman told Officer Henning that she had met someone on a Christian dating website and began an e-mail relationship. The man identified himself as "John Brown" from Nigeria. At one point, John asked for money so he could leave Nigeria. Although a relative had found John's profile picture with different names attached to it on other websites, she refused to believe that it was a scam and wired $450. John then emailed that he needed more, and at that point she realized it was a fraud and she contacted us. It’s impossible to identify the person, his location, and where the money went.

How many levels of stupid does this lady have? Being an old, lonely, desperate Christian lady can be a dangerous thing. 1. Who the fuck from Nigeria has a blatantly American name like John Brown? 2. Why would you start a long-as-fuck-distance relationship with someone from Nigeria? 3. $450 can barely get you halfway across this country, let alone move from Nigeria to the US. 4. Christians want to believe that people are "good" and wouldn't do anything to betray their trust. This is why in 2004 a friend and I were able to infiltrate a Christian music festival for 4 days, party hard (when booze was forbidden), ditch our volunteer security guard posts to go to another party, and cause general mayhem without anyone being the wiser. Morons.

On August 29 at about 8 PM, Officer Foeger was dispatched to Brown Mountain after an anonymous caller reported loud yelling coming from a residence. The 34-year-old woman was cautioned about yelling profanities so loudly on the phone that the neighbors could hear.

If you are going to spout profanities on the phone, use your Inside Voice, bitch.

On September 23, the West Fargo, North Dakota Police Department informed Det. Bloedel that it were looking for property that had been stolen and possibly transported to a Brown Mountain residence. After considerable follow-up, he recovered the property and verified the identity of the suspect. Further charges from West Fargo may be pending.

No, not THAT Fargo. It's West Fargo. Although since this doesn't say what the stolen property was, I will assume it was a wood chipper.

October 2 - At 3:09 PM, the owner of the Latest Edition reported that a man was passed out on the sidewalk. Officer Fristed found an extremely intoxicated 59-year-old Brown Mountain man whom we’re familiar with. When Officer Fristed informed him that he would need to go to the hospital, the man expressed his gratitude with a hearty, "F*** you”. The man got increasingly belligerent and Officer O'Hagan from Slinger PD was asked to assist. Jackson Fire Rescue was dispatched to the scene and Acute Care Services was notified. When the man refused to provide a urine sample, accompanied by more profanities, a catheter was used. The man's blood-alcohol level was .40, too high for him to be placed outside of a hospital setting.

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, .40??? This guy set the Brown Mountain record for Most Alcohol Dranken (by 3:09 PM nonetheless!) The LD50 for alcohol (lethal amount that would kill 50% of people) is set at .40, which is a whopping FIVE TIMES the legal limit. The fact that this guy was conscious enough to give a hearty "FUCK YOU" to the cops means he should be given a freaking medal, not hospitalized!

On October 27, shortly before 4 PM, Officer Henning was dispatched to a Brown Mountain residence. Officers have been to this location several times this year because of ongoing conflicts between a woman and her mother-in-law. In this case, the 62-year-old woman was cited for disorderly conduct for yelling “F*** you” at her daughter-in-law, in the presence of her two grandchildren.

Another hearty "FUCK YOU!"

On November 17 at midnight, Officer Borkowski and Deputy Lake were dispatched to a Brown Mountain residence regarding a family trouble. The 38-year-old woman had asked her boyfriend of three years to find a new place to live because the relationship was over. An argument ensued, so she picked up her eight-year-old daughter by another relationship and went to a neighbor's trailer. The woman and the officers returned to her residence and found the man standing in the kitchen with a cased pistol on the counter. Although the man claimed he was packing up his things, the gun case was the only item there. Eventually, it was agreed that the couple would separate for the night and the officer would take temporary custody of the weapon.

"It's over between us?!?! Let me just pack up my stuff... This is all I will need when I go Vengeful Murder-Suicide on yo ass!"


This didn't happen in my trailer park, or even my town, but it was too good to not share.

October 2 - At about 3:30 PM, a West Bend man told Officer Foeger that a man had exposed himself to his seven-year-old son at the skate park. However, further investigation by Officer Foeger and assisting deputies revealed that a 16-year-old had bent down to move the ramp and his pants came down slightly. Since he was facing away, what the youngster saw was unintentional buttock cleavage.

...and with the words "unintentional buttock cleavage", I will bid you adieu. Until next time!

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Tuesday, January 10, 2012

How the Grinch Stole a Bunch of Shit

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through Ms. D's house, Nobama was stirring, and eating a mouse... Actually, the best events of Christmas Eve took place far away from Brown Mountain in northern Illinois. When I need to escape the insanity of the trailer park, I can venture to the unique brand of amusing insanity that only comes from family time!

It was my mother's side of the family's usual Christmas Eve gathering. The wine and hilarious stories were flowing. One such story involves the ongoing saga of my aunt's neighbor Sanford. This guy makes Nobama seem like a n00b of a junk dealer. Sanford collects junk en masse and isn't shy about storing it in plain view in his driveway/yard. Since he's been to prison before for drug dealing/possession, his junking activities raise a bit of suspicion.

Sanford regularly comes home in the middle of the night with truckloads of random shit. But at times, this stuff is clearly not some old crap someone was happy to get rid of. He will come back with construction materials, and even once had fucking manhole covers. Where else do you get manhole covers but in the middle of the goddamn street? They usually say where they are from, so that is just asking for trouble. What are you going to do with a manhole cover anyway - sell it as a Frisbee to someone who has a T-Rex for a pet?

This particular holiday season, Sanford had a cornucopia of junk on display. Being the nosy people we are, the family dispatched my two cousins and I to check out what he had in his driveway. Under the guise of "we're going to toss the football around in the dark in the middle of the street", we headed outside. We haphazardly played catch for a few minutes before sneaking over to the junk museum. Sanford and Sons were home so we had to be quiet. I thought of the easy "we're looking for our football" excuse should they notice us. I was still nervous because I've seen too many TV shows where the kids lose the football over the creepy neighbor's fence and the next time they are seen is chopped up in a dumpster.

The darkness may have been playing tricks on our eyes, but I'm pretty sure we saw the following: Approximately 10 artificial Christmas trees piled up, a toilet, ladders, 13 TVs of varying sizes (some were just the screen/tube), three mid-to-late 90's computers, and a whole bunch of other shit that couldn't be deciphered in the dark. We remained undetected and returned to the house to give our report. After our little snooping job, we were able to safely return to our usual Christmas entertainment - Shit My Grandma Says (which could easily be a blog all its own). My family rules!

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Trailer Park Charlie's Birthday Bash

When epic events such as turning 26, paying off your trailer park home, and Halloween (the best holiday) converge, an appropriately epic party has to commence. Said party took place on October 29th and it rocked Brown Mountain like never before.

All of my friends call me a Jew because of how I am with money (see: Paying off trailer). So this year for Halloween I decided to humor them and dress like one too:

Since one of my favorite things to do is mock religion, I got my girlfriend to join in the fun as well. Since her last name is Pope, she dressed like a nun.

We also went so far as to carve pumpkins that matched our religious costumes:

That was all fun and good, but our "Holy Trinity" was not complete until our friend Slutty Jesus showed up!

I didn't want my guests to be thirsty (or sober) so I got a keg for the occasion.

Once the beer was flowing, plenty of mayhem ensued:

A typical resident of Brown Mountain

Every Rabbi dreams of bending over a Nun

Jews have been taking it in the ass all throughout history

At one point during the party, I was showing off the brutality of my 840 Watt surround sound system by blasting Slayer really loud. Well, if there's one thing cranky old trailer park ladies don't like, it's Slayer. Around 10:45, someone told me a cop was at the door. I looked out the window and saw a guy with the word "POLICE" emblazoned across his chest. I questioned whether it was a real cop or someone in a costume who wanted to party. It was a real cop.

I stepped out to talk to him and he informed me two people complained about my loud music. But, he seemed to be more annoyed that someone called in since he had already been on a couple noise complaint calls. He understood that people wanted to party on Halloween weekend and almost seemed like he wished he could be getting hammered instead of working. Besides, the noise ordinance starts at fucking 11 PM so I couldn't even get a ticket for it. He told me to keep it down and have fun, then went on his way. Now the mayhem could continue:

Bacon = Rabbi Repellant

Another typical resident of Brown Mountain

Towards the end of the party, I for some reason decided that many beers, shots of Jaegermeister, Rum Chata, and homemade Apple Pie weren't enough. I decided to bust out the bottle of Jack Daniels' I was given for a birthday gift and drink it straight. That was a horrible idea. Some time after everyone left when I was passing out on my couch, I puked my guts out.

In the end it was a fitting celebration of the 26th anniversary of the birth of Trailer Park Charlie. The ensuing hangover was a wicked one that is normally only reserved for New Years Day. It was one of those "I'm never drinking again" kind of days. But don't worry, that sentiment didn't last. After all, I have a reputation to uphold!

Monday, August 15, 2011

Brown Mountain Police Blotter Roundup #3

It's been a while, but it's time once again for Brown Mountain Police Blotter Roundup! After reading many of these tales from the actual Jackson PD "Notable Incidents" site, I find myself really wanting to meet the person who writes them. They seem to have almost as much fun with it as I do.

On April 14 at 6 PM, Deputy Parkinson stopped an intoxicated driver in the McDonald's parking lot, and Officer Foeger went to assist. After arresting the 27-year-old man, Officer Foeger was asked to go to his grandmother’s residence in Brown Mountain in hopes that she could pick the man up after his chemical test. Grandma could be seen looking through the window at the officer but refused to open the door.

I've been drunk and gone to McDonald's plenty of times, but never as early as 6 PM! That would totally suck if you had the "drunchies" and got all the way to McDonald's only to have some asshole cop stop you. Then to have your grandma turn her back on you only makes it worse. Come on Granny, that's just cold!

At about 4 PM, Officer Fristed and Chief Dolnick were dispatched to a domestic violence in-progress at a Brown Mountain residence. A 40-year-old man was detained as he was walking from the area. He said that he had left after getting into an altercation with his wife because she would not give him the checkbook. He tried to grab the keys to her van in hopes that she would exchange the checkbook for them. She responded by slamming the door on his arm, grabbing him by the back of the shirt, and yanking his hair. The shirt was stretched at the neck and the man had a knot on his arm where it had been slammed in the door. Officer Foeger arrived to assist, and eventually the 32-year-old woman was arrested for domestic violence.

What a great childish move by this dude. The old "You won't gimme so I'm taking this from you, stupid head!" ploy. If your wife has the checkbook AND the van, she has all the power. Who knows what crazy shit she'll go buy from Goodwill. I'm thinking if the wife was able to grab the back of his shirt AND yank his hair at the same time, the husband must have a classic trailer park mullet! The guy should really take the checkbook and buy some of those Hanes shirts with collars that don't stretch (the ones that Michael Jordan is whoring all the time).

On April 13 at 12:44 AM, Officer Laabs and Officer Borkowski were dispatched to a Brown Mountain residence regarding a 59-year-old man who was extremely intoxicated. His ex-wife and daughter reported that the man had been released from the VA Hospital after treatment for intoxication. The man was barely able to stand and was talking with heavily slurred speech. His behavior wavered between being calm and having fits of rage. When he sat down on his bed, he reached underneath and pulled out a can of beer but was told he couldn't have it.

I say that's an Epic Fail on the part of the VA Hospital. Whatever the hell kind of "treatment" they did sure didn't work. This guy gave me a great idea though - keep beer under my bed! Whether I need one to fall asleep or one to kill the hangover in the morning, it's all within immediate reach!

On May 21 at 6:42 AM, a 45-year-old Brown Mountain man, with whom we are very familiar, reported that his girlfriend was parked in his driveway threatening suicide. For unknown reasons, the man drove to the Sheriff's Department in West Bend to report this instead of phoning. Officer Fristed found the woman asleep in the car, and she assured him that she was not suicidal, had no intention of harming herself, and never told the man otherwise. The man disappeared from the Sheriff's Department lobby. His 45-year-old girlfriend, however, was arrested on a warrant from Germantown and taken to County Jail.

There's my favorite phrase again - "...with whom we are very familiar..." This is just an overall bizarre story. It would take almost 15 minutes to drive to the Sheriff's department from here. If someone is about to kill themselves in your driveway, why in the hell would you do that? I also love how he "disappeared" from the lobby like he's fucking Houdini.

On May 8 at about 11:14 PM, Officers Krueger and Laabs were dispatched to a Hemlock Street apartment where a 21-year-old intoxicated woman was allegedly found in a vehicle and tried to drive off with one of her children. The officers were met outside by the 22-year-old boyfriend and they could hear the woman through an open window yelling into a phone. He said that the woman hit him in the face with her purse, causing it to bleed. The woman said that she'd been celebrating Mother's Day at her mother's residence in the Brown Mountain trailer park and returned home to find the man with a group of friends. This offended her and she ordered everyone out. She denied hitting the boyfriend with her purse but had no explanation how his lip got cut. Witnesses corroborated the man's story and the woman was arrested for domestic violence.

It sounds like this woman and her mom did a little too much "celebrating" for Mother's Day. I don't think the child was in the mood to celebrate with its intoxicated mom by speeding off away from daddy. What a bitch this bitch is, the husband can't even have friends over while she's gone. What a pussy the boyfriend is though, getting hit with a purse then whining to the cops about it. Douche.

On June 8 at 6:40 PM, a 17-year-old Chestnut Court resident told Officer Foeger that a 17-year-old Brown Mountain girl had tried to choke him while holding a large rock. The young man said that the dispute was over a drug deal that went bad. The girl had no hesitation confirming this, saying that she gave the complainant $105 to purchase marijuana, which she then intended to sell. Later, the complainant told her that he'd been held up at gunpoint at a Jackson apartment, and was relieved of the money before the deal was consummated with the unknown dealer. Not surprisingly, the girl believed this was a ruse, and the man had just kept the money for himself. She confronted him while holding a large rock and grabbed him by the throat. He indignantly replied, "What? You want to get shot?" She believed, therefore, that the complainant was in the wrong. No further action was taken.

WAIT A FREAKING MINUTE! These two stupid teens admitted to setting up a drug deal, which resulted in violence, and "no further action was taken"??? Am I missing something? I think there were more "large rocks" in this story, and they were smoked by the police.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Charlie vs. Heating and Cooling - Part 2

If you remember back to the original Charlie vs. Heating and Cooling, my ancient central air conditioning unit died a terrible death last year. After having saved what I hoped would be enough to pay for a new one this year, I began pursuing it when the hot weather hit. I was fed up with the incompetent buffoonery I experienced with Doug the AC Guy and Whenever We Feel Like It Heating & Cooling. I decided to contact a guy I knew from high school who happened to have a job selling what I needed. Just to show him that I didn't want to deal with any bullshit, I even directed him to my blog so he could see what I'd been through. Little did I know I would be in for more bullshit, and it wouldn't even be their fault.

When Doug the AC Guy first came out to look at my AC, he said my unit was 1.5 ton and replacing it would be around $1,000. But since Doug is a fucking moron, this wasn't even close to true. When I had the guy out from Whenever We Feel Like It to look at my furnace, I mentioned that my AC was toast. He said I would have to replace the compressor as well as the refrigerant coil because of some new hippie government regulation forcing them to use more environmentally friendly coolant. Ok, fine...

So when I contacted Bryan from Williams Heating Service, I told him what the deal was and what I thought I needed. He came out to check it out and found that my old unit was actually a 2.5 ton (therefore, more expensive). In order to replace it, and do all the electrical and line work, I was looking at $2,500. I wasn't enthused about spending $1,500 more than I thought, but it wasn't the end of the world.

A little further along in the process, Bryan needed the specifications of my furnace since it sat on top of the refrigerant coil, and it holds the fan that blows stuff (as if a fan has any other function...) When he got back to me after looking at the specs, he had some bad news. My current furnace was not rated nor even legal to have in a mobile home. It was smaller than normal trailer furnaces since and was more for heating a garage or small cabin. Because of liability issues, Williams understandably didn't want to work on it without replacing the furnace as well. FUCKING ASS COLON BREATH!

Whichever dickhead put the furnace in before either didn't know or didn't care that it wasn't legally rated for a trailer. They just wanted something cheap. My brain went back in to its archives and played back a distinct memory for me - Dick (the previous owner of my trailer) showing me around the house and telling me how he put the furnace in himself and built the closet around it. DICK WAS THAT DICKHEAD!!! Considering what a hack he was, I'm sure he knew the furnace was undersized and didn't give a shit. I guess Dick must be used to having things that are smaller than normal size... Somehow this fact also eluded the jackass home inspector. When he came through, the only thing he had an issue with was literally how many centimeters the newly rebuilt deck stairs were off the ground. The need to build the stairs yet again almost made me miss my closing date. But yet he managed to overlook the goddamn illegal furnace...

What did all this mean for me? If I wanted a new frosty cold central air conditioner, I would have to get a new furnace too. This caused the price of everything to bloat to $5,000 (that was even a good deal because of me going thru Bryan). By this point I was pissed, but I also knew I pretty much didn't have a choice. I know this might disappoint all of you, but I don't plan on being trailer trash forever! Whenever I decide to sell this place, I would have a hard time doing so with a rusty old dead air conditioner sitting outside and illegal furnace inside. So since I had to replace everything, I decided I might as well do it now so I can enjoy it while I'm here.

We worked out the rest of the deal and got the contract done. Bryan and his crew came and installed everything over the course of a day. When I came home, I was greeted with a sensation that felt like taking a big bite out of a glacier. I had a functional air conditioner, and it was as cold as the arctic. I have yet to pay a dime for any of it, but I know that bill for 5 G's is ominously lurking like Nobama outside Ms. D's bedroom window. In the meantime, I am basking in its frigid glory during this nasty heat wave. The polar ice caps may be melting, but new ones are forming inside my trailer. Soon, National Geographic will be tracking polar bears making a pilgrimage to Brown Mountain Trailer Park.

If you find yourself going through the same crap as me, I recommend contacting Bryan H. at Williams Heating Service. They had the great service I sorely needed! Tell 'em Trailer Park Charlie sent ya!