Since I began publishing my "Brown Mountain Police Blotter Roundup" posts, I have been longing to find out who writes the "Notable Incidents" list on the Jackson PD website. I enjoy their writing style and condescending use of humor against the criminals. I always pictured it being some police intern/secretary who had nothing better to do so they were tasked with writing the police blotter. To make it interesting, they put their own little spin on things. I never actually thought I would find out who was behind the Notable Incidents, but that unexpectedly changed!
I checked my Official Trailer Park Charlie e-mail (trailerparkcharlie@jgmail.com) a couple days ago. Amongst the numerous spam emails from Google, I found one with a subject of "Police Blotter". I eagerly opened it and found the answer to my burning question. It wasn't some low level intern that writes the blotter, it's the Chief of Police himself, and he personally e-mailed me from his Jackson PD e-mail account!!! The Chief had this to say:
(Quoting what I said:)"After reading many of these tales from the actual Jackson PD "Notable Incidents" site, I find myself really wanting to meet the person who writes them. They seem to have almost as much fun with it as I do."
That would be me, Charlie! I started doing it in 2003 because some residents would say, "Why do we need a police department? Nothing happens in sleepy little Jackson". I thought they should see what does happen. We're not unique..... every community has its share. There's no such thing as "Mayberry", unfortunately.
Thanks for putting your email address on your blog, so I could say hello.
I know I've made it as a blogger when I get the attention of the Chief of Police! So, Chief Jed Dolnick is the masked writer I have been looking for. I have been critical of Jackson PD at times, but now I'm proud to say I live in a town watched over by someone with a great sense of humor.
Notable Incidents isn't the only writing Chief Dolnick does either. He has an "Ask the Chief" section in which he responds to the idiotic questions of Jackson residents. I found that he uses the same type of humor to respond to these queries by using references to "The Blues Brothers", a southern tobacco-spitting sheriff, and even driving naked. Here are some of the better responses from Ask the Chief:
Why would a police car be parked with its engine running, when gas is so expensive?
Yes, that does look wasteful. The problem is that the radio, laptop computer, and video camera are all drawing power. The only way to prevent the battery from being rapidly depleted is to either keep the engine running or turn it, and the equipment, off. The computer and camera take time to reboot and sign-on, and that's a problem if the officers gets an assignment. Just like the movie, "Blues Brothers", our squads have "cop batteries" and "cop alternators", but that doesn't prevent this problem or keep us from shelling out a lot of money to replace ruined batteries. That's why you'll sometimes see a squad locked and running.
I have a neighbor who brags that he has friends in the police department, so he feels he can do whatever he wants.(Note: That isn't a question!)
Some people claim to "have connections" to impress others and make themselves feel important. The connection could be to the police, a politician, an influential business person, or even a celebrity. However, there can be a more sinister purpose: intimidation. In this case, neighbors were afraid to call the police department when the man was having loud parties late into the evening. They believed that the man's "friends on the police department" wouldn't do anything, and might even retaliate against them for complaining.
There are other variations of this theme. Last year, our officers were called to a tavern fight. The victims were immediately on the defensive because they felt the "local cops" wouldn't protect them. I don't know why they assumed the other patrons were Jackson residents. When I worked for the sheriff's department, I handled several incidents in which a non-resident assumed I would take the side of a "local" against an "outsider". The "outsider vs. local" scenario might be due to many movies and television shows. There's the cowboy who comes into a town where they "don't cotton to strangers". Another familiar theme: the college kids driving to Florida for Spring Break who get into trouble with a small town Southern police chief or sheriff (who inevitably says, "I run a nice clean town" while spitting tobacco juice).
It was difficult for me to convince the caller that no one should hesitate to call us for help. Even if the neighbor was a personal friend of an officer (which he isn't) that friendship would end if it was used as the caller described. Our actions must be, and are, based on an unbiased application of the law. As Judge James Edwin Horton said in the "Scottsboro Boys" case (Alabama, 1933), "We have only to do our duty without fear or favor".
Is it really against the law to drive without your shoes on?
No. As far as the motor vehicle code is concerned, you don't even need to be dressed (but don't try that since it would be against the law).
These are just a few of the many responses The Chief gives to his brain-dead citizens. If you want to see more, go check out "Ask the Chief" to find out what he says to retarded queries like:
- Why were "Recall Walker" people allowed to collect signatures on village property?
-I know someone who was stopped because the car was registered to his brother, who's suspended. The driver didn't do anything wrong, though. I thought the police needed a reason to stop a vehicle.
- Why does Jackson have so many officers?
- Does your department unlock car doors?
- Your officers were handing out parking tickets during the village-wide rummage sale. That wasn't a very friendly thing to do, considering the village invited us.
- I got arrested, and my name was in the newspaper. How do I keep that a secret?
- What's With The Black Gloves?
- Who Can Drink Non-Alcoholic Beer?
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Brown Mountain Police Blotter Roundup #4
My hometown of Slinger, WI was recently featured on Jay Leno's police blotter segment. A dispute/cat fight broke out between two women who were arguing over who had the better parenting skills. While it's a great tale, it pales in comparison to the things that go on in Brown Mountain (Just like Leno pales in comparison to the guy he stole his gig back from - Conan O'Brien). As always, these are real police reports from the Jackson PD's "Notable Incidents" site. I'm becoming increasingly enamored with the person that writes them and think we should collaborate to make it the best police report journal in all of the land! Get a hold of me! (trailerparkcharlie@gmail.com)
July 26 At 11:35 PM, Officer Laabs made another trip to a cul-de-sac in Brown Mountain in which the neighbors have been feuding for years. In this episode, an 80-year-old woman complained that her neighbor has a motion sensor light that speaks, "Caution, you are on private property” every time she walks on her own driveway, which she feels is harassment. The other woman agreed to angle the motion sensor light a different way.
It wouldn't be a Police Blotter Roundup without an entry from Agnes and Ms. D! Ms. D implemented a top-notch security system after her troubles with Nobama, and apparently it's trying to keep Agnes away too (a good idea). The problem is, the security system is lying. Anyone just outside Ms. D's house is still on public property.
On August 6 shortly after midnight, a Brown Mountain man told Officer Foeger that an unknown man called and told him that if he didn’t get $20,000 he would “send four guys over in a Cadillac”.
Oh shit! Who wouldn't be freaked out by that? Officer Foeger would be no match for four guys in a Cadillac, whether they are packing heat or not. If I got a call like this, I would have to assume it was from The Bouncer.
August 9th At 8:06 PM, a 66-year-old Brown Mountain woman told Officer Henning that she had met someone on a Christian dating website and began an e-mail relationship. The man identified himself as "John Brown" from Nigeria. At one point, John asked for money so he could leave Nigeria. Although a relative had found John's profile picture with different names attached to it on other websites, she refused to believe that it was a scam and wired $450. John then emailed that he needed more, and at that point she realized it was a fraud and she contacted us. It’s impossible to identify the person, his location, and where the money went.
How many levels of stupid does this lady have? Being an old, lonely, desperate Christian lady can be a dangerous thing. 1. Who the fuck from Nigeria has a blatantly American name like John Brown? 2. Why would you start a long-as-fuck-distance relationship with someone from Nigeria? 3. $450 can barely get you halfway across this country, let alone move from Nigeria to the US. 4. Christians want to believe that people are "good" and wouldn't do anything to betray their trust. This is why in 2004 a friend and I were able to infiltrate a Christian music festival for 4 days, party hard (when booze was forbidden), ditch our volunteer security guard posts to go to another party, and cause general mayhem without anyone being the wiser. Morons.
On August 29 at about 8 PM, Officer Foeger was dispatched to Brown Mountain after an anonymous caller reported loud yelling coming from a residence. The 34-year-old woman was cautioned about yelling profanities so loudly on the phone that the neighbors could hear.
If you are going to spout profanities on the phone, use your Inside Voice, bitch.
On September 23, the West Fargo, North Dakota Police Department informed Det. Bloedel that it were looking for property that had been stolen and possibly transported to a Brown Mountain residence. After considerable follow-up, he recovered the property and verified the identity of the suspect. Further charges from West Fargo may be pending.
No, not THAT Fargo. It's West Fargo. Although since this doesn't say what the stolen property was, I will assume it was a wood chipper.
October 2 - At 3:09 PM, the owner of the Latest Edition reported that a man was passed out on the sidewalk. Officer Fristed found an extremely intoxicated 59-year-old Brown Mountain man whom we’re familiar with. When Officer Fristed informed him that he would need to go to the hospital, the man expressed his gratitude with a hearty, "F*** you”. The man got increasingly belligerent and Officer O'Hagan from Slinger PD was asked to assist. Jackson Fire Rescue was dispatched to the scene and Acute Care Services was notified. When the man refused to provide a urine sample, accompanied by more profanities, a catheter was used. The man's blood-alcohol level was .40, too high for him to be placed outside of a hospital setting.
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, .40??? This guy set the Brown Mountain record for Most Alcohol Dranken (by 3:09 PM nonetheless!) The LD50 for alcohol (lethal amount that would kill 50% of people) is set at .40, which is a whopping FIVE TIMES the legal limit. The fact that this guy was conscious enough to give a hearty "FUCK YOU" to the cops means he should be given a freaking medal, not hospitalized!
On October 27, shortly before 4 PM, Officer Henning was dispatched to a Brown Mountain residence. Officers have been to this location several times this year because of ongoing conflicts between a woman and her mother-in-law. In this case, the 62-year-old woman was cited for disorderly conduct for yelling “F*** you” at her daughter-in-law, in the presence of her two grandchildren.
Another hearty "FUCK YOU!"
On November 17 at midnight, Officer Borkowski and Deputy Lake were dispatched to a Brown Mountain residence regarding a family trouble. The 38-year-old woman had asked her boyfriend of three years to find a new place to live because the relationship was over. An argument ensued, so she picked up her eight-year-old daughter by another relationship and went to a neighbor's trailer. The woman and the officers returned to her residence and found the man standing in the kitchen with a cased pistol on the counter. Although the man claimed he was packing up his things, the gun case was the only item there. Eventually, it was agreed that the couple would separate for the night and the officer would take temporary custody of the weapon.
"It's over between us?!?! Let me just pack up my stuff... This is all I will need when I go Vengeful Murder-Suicide on yo ass!"
***SPECIAL BONUS ENTRY***
This didn't happen in my trailer park, or even my town, but it was too good to not share.
October 2 - At about 3:30 PM, a West Bend man told Officer Foeger that a man had exposed himself to his seven-year-old son at the skate park. However, further investigation by Officer Foeger and assisting deputies revealed that a 16-year-old had bent down to move the ramp and his pants came down slightly. Since he was facing away, what the youngster saw was unintentional buttock cleavage.
...and with the words "unintentional buttock cleavage", I will bid you adieu. Until next time!
Follow the Trailer Park on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Misadventures-of-Trailer-Park-Charlie/124202180957463.
July 26 At 11:35 PM, Officer Laabs made another trip to a cul-de-sac in Brown Mountain in which the neighbors have been feuding for years. In this episode, an 80-year-old woman complained that her neighbor has a motion sensor light that speaks, "Caution, you are on private property” every time she walks on her own driveway, which she feels is harassment. The other woman agreed to angle the motion sensor light a different way.
It wouldn't be a Police Blotter Roundup without an entry from Agnes and Ms. D! Ms. D implemented a top-notch security system after her troubles with Nobama, and apparently it's trying to keep Agnes away too (a good idea). The problem is, the security system is lying. Anyone just outside Ms. D's house is still on public property.
On August 6 shortly after midnight, a Brown Mountain man told Officer Foeger that an unknown man called and told him that if he didn’t get $20,000 he would “send four guys over in a Cadillac”.
Oh shit! Who wouldn't be freaked out by that? Officer Foeger would be no match for four guys in a Cadillac, whether they are packing heat or not. If I got a call like this, I would have to assume it was from The Bouncer.
August 9th At 8:06 PM, a 66-year-old Brown Mountain woman told Officer Henning that she had met someone on a Christian dating website and began an e-mail relationship. The man identified himself as "John Brown" from Nigeria. At one point, John asked for money so he could leave Nigeria. Although a relative had found John's profile picture with different names attached to it on other websites, she refused to believe that it was a scam and wired $450. John then emailed that he needed more, and at that point she realized it was a fraud and she contacted us. It’s impossible to identify the person, his location, and where the money went.
How many levels of stupid does this lady have? Being an old, lonely, desperate Christian lady can be a dangerous thing. 1. Who the fuck from Nigeria has a blatantly American name like John Brown? 2. Why would you start a long-as-fuck-distance relationship with someone from Nigeria? 3. $450 can barely get you halfway across this country, let alone move from Nigeria to the US. 4. Christians want to believe that people are "good" and wouldn't do anything to betray their trust. This is why in 2004 a friend and I were able to infiltrate a Christian music festival for 4 days, party hard (when booze was forbidden), ditch our volunteer security guard posts to go to another party, and cause general mayhem without anyone being the wiser. Morons.
On August 29 at about 8 PM, Officer Foeger was dispatched to Brown Mountain after an anonymous caller reported loud yelling coming from a residence. The 34-year-old woman was cautioned about yelling profanities so loudly on the phone that the neighbors could hear.
If you are going to spout profanities on the phone, use your Inside Voice, bitch.
On September 23, the West Fargo, North Dakota Police Department informed Det. Bloedel that it were looking for property that had been stolen and possibly transported to a Brown Mountain residence. After considerable follow-up, he recovered the property and verified the identity of the suspect. Further charges from West Fargo may be pending.
No, not THAT Fargo. It's West Fargo. Although since this doesn't say what the stolen property was, I will assume it was a wood chipper.
October 2 - At 3:09 PM, the owner of the Latest Edition reported that a man was passed out on the sidewalk. Officer Fristed found an extremely intoxicated 59-year-old Brown Mountain man whom we’re familiar with. When Officer Fristed informed him that he would need to go to the hospital, the man expressed his gratitude with a hearty, "F*** you”. The man got increasingly belligerent and Officer O'Hagan from Slinger PD was asked to assist. Jackson Fire Rescue was dispatched to the scene and Acute Care Services was notified. When the man refused to provide a urine sample, accompanied by more profanities, a catheter was used. The man's blood-alcohol level was .40, too high for him to be placed outside of a hospital setting.
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, .40??? This guy set the Brown Mountain record for Most Alcohol Dranken (by 3:09 PM nonetheless!) The LD50 for alcohol (lethal amount that would kill 50% of people) is set at .40, which is a whopping FIVE TIMES the legal limit. The fact that this guy was conscious enough to give a hearty "FUCK YOU" to the cops means he should be given a freaking medal, not hospitalized!
On October 27, shortly before 4 PM, Officer Henning was dispatched to a Brown Mountain residence. Officers have been to this location several times this year because of ongoing conflicts between a woman and her mother-in-law. In this case, the 62-year-old woman was cited for disorderly conduct for yelling “F*** you” at her daughter-in-law, in the presence of her two grandchildren.
Another hearty "FUCK YOU!"
On November 17 at midnight, Officer Borkowski and Deputy Lake were dispatched to a Brown Mountain residence regarding a family trouble. The 38-year-old woman had asked her boyfriend of three years to find a new place to live because the relationship was over. An argument ensued, so she picked up her eight-year-old daughter by another relationship and went to a neighbor's trailer. The woman and the officers returned to her residence and found the man standing in the kitchen with a cased pistol on the counter. Although the man claimed he was packing up his things, the gun case was the only item there. Eventually, it was agreed that the couple would separate for the night and the officer would take temporary custody of the weapon.
"It's over between us?!?! Let me just pack up my stuff... This is all I will need when I go Vengeful Murder-Suicide on yo ass!"
***SPECIAL BONUS ENTRY***
This didn't happen in my trailer park, or even my town, but it was too good to not share.
October 2 - At about 3:30 PM, a West Bend man told Officer Foeger that a man had exposed himself to his seven-year-old son at the skate park. However, further investigation by Officer Foeger and assisting deputies revealed that a 16-year-old had bent down to move the ramp and his pants came down slightly. Since he was facing away, what the youngster saw was unintentional buttock cleavage.
...and with the words "unintentional buttock cleavage", I will bid you adieu. Until next time!
Follow the Trailer Park on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Misadventures-of-Trailer-Park-Charlie/124202180957463.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
How the Grinch Stole a Bunch of Shit
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through Ms. D's house, Nobama was stirring, and eating a mouse... Actually, the best events of Christmas Eve took place far away from Brown Mountain in northern Illinois. When I need to escape the insanity of the trailer park, I can venture to the unique brand of amusing insanity that only comes from family time!
It was my mother's side of the family's usual Christmas Eve gathering. The wine and hilarious stories were flowing. One such story involves the ongoing saga of my aunt's neighbor Sanford. This guy makes Nobama seem like a n00b of a junk dealer. Sanford collects junk en masse and isn't shy about storing it in plain view in his driveway/yard. Since he's been to prison before for drug dealing/possession, his junking activities raise a bit of suspicion.
Sanford regularly comes home in the middle of the night with truckloads of random shit. But at times, this stuff is clearly not some old crap someone was happy to get rid of. He will come back with construction materials, and even once had fucking manhole covers. Where else do you get manhole covers but in the middle of the goddamn street? They usually say where they are from, so that is just asking for trouble. What are you going to do with a manhole cover anyway - sell it as a Frisbee to someone who has a T-Rex for a pet?
This particular holiday season, Sanford had a cornucopia of junk on display. Being the nosy people we are, the family dispatched my two cousins and I to check out what he had in his driveway. Under the guise of "we're going to toss the football around in the dark in the middle of the street", we headed outside. We haphazardly played catch for a few minutes before sneaking over to the junk museum. Sanford and Sons were home so we had to be quiet. I thought of the easy "we're looking for our football" excuse should they notice us. I was still nervous because I've seen too many TV shows where the kids lose the football over the creepy neighbor's fence and the next time they are seen is chopped up in a dumpster.
The darkness may have been playing tricks on our eyes, but I'm pretty sure we saw the following: Approximately 10 artificial Christmas trees piled up, a toilet, ladders, 13 TVs of varying sizes (some were just the screen/tube), three mid-to-late 90's computers, and a whole bunch of other shit that couldn't be deciphered in the dark. We remained undetected and returned to the house to give our report. After our little snooping job, we were able to safely return to our usual Christmas entertainment - Shit My Grandma Says (which could easily be a blog all its own). My family rules!
It was my mother's side of the family's usual Christmas Eve gathering. The wine and hilarious stories were flowing. One such story involves the ongoing saga of my aunt's neighbor Sanford. This guy makes Nobama seem like a n00b of a junk dealer. Sanford collects junk en masse and isn't shy about storing it in plain view in his driveway/yard. Since he's been to prison before for drug dealing/possession, his junking activities raise a bit of suspicion.
Sanford regularly comes home in the middle of the night with truckloads of random shit. But at times, this stuff is clearly not some old crap someone was happy to get rid of. He will come back with construction materials, and even once had fucking manhole covers. Where else do you get manhole covers but in the middle of the goddamn street? They usually say where they are from, so that is just asking for trouble. What are you going to do with a manhole cover anyway - sell it as a Frisbee to someone who has a T-Rex for a pet?
This particular holiday season, Sanford had a cornucopia of junk on display. Being the nosy people we are, the family dispatched my two cousins and I to check out what he had in his driveway. Under the guise of "we're going to toss the football around in the dark in the middle of the street", we headed outside. We haphazardly played catch for a few minutes before sneaking over to the junk museum. Sanford and Sons were home so we had to be quiet. I thought of the easy "we're looking for our football" excuse should they notice us. I was still nervous because I've seen too many TV shows where the kids lose the football over the creepy neighbor's fence and the next time they are seen is chopped up in a dumpster.
The darkness may have been playing tricks on our eyes, but I'm pretty sure we saw the following: Approximately 10 artificial Christmas trees piled up, a toilet, ladders, 13 TVs of varying sizes (some were just the screen/tube), three mid-to-late 90's computers, and a whole bunch of other shit that couldn't be deciphered in the dark. We remained undetected and returned to the house to give our report. After our little snooping job, we were able to safely return to our usual Christmas entertainment - Shit My Grandma Says (which could easily be a blog all its own). My family rules!
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Trailer Park Charlie's Birthday Bash
When epic events such as turning 26, paying off your trailer park home, and Halloween (the best holiday) converge, an appropriately epic party has to commence. Said party took place on October 29th and it rocked Brown Mountain like never before.
All of my friends call me a Jew because of how I am with money (see: Paying off trailer). So this year for Halloween I decided to humor them and dress like one too:
Since one of my favorite things to do is mock religion, I got my girlfriend to join in the fun as well. Since her last name is Pope, she dressed like a nun.
We also went so far as to carve pumpkins that matched our religious costumes:
That was all fun and good, but our "Holy Trinity" was not complete until our friend Slutty Jesus showed up!
I didn't want my guests to be thirsty (or sober) so I got a keg for the occasion.
Once the beer was flowing, plenty of mayhem ensued:
A typical resident of Brown Mountain
Every Rabbi dreams of bending over a Nun
Jews have been taking it in the ass all throughout history
At one point during the party, I was showing off the brutality of my 840 Watt surround sound system by blasting Slayer really loud. Well, if there's one thing cranky old trailer park ladies don't like, it's Slayer. Around 10:45, someone told me a cop was at the door. I looked out the window and saw a guy with the word "POLICE" emblazoned across his chest. I questioned whether it was a real cop or someone in a costume who wanted to party. It was a real cop.
I stepped out to talk to him and he informed me two people complained about my loud music. But, he seemed to be more annoyed that someone called in since he had already been on a couple noise complaint calls. He understood that people wanted to party on Halloween weekend and almost seemed like he wished he could be getting hammered instead of working. Besides, the noise ordinance starts at fucking 11 PM so I couldn't even get a ticket for it. He told me to keep it down and have fun, then went on his way. Now the mayhem could continue:
Bacon = Rabbi Repellant
Another typical resident of Brown Mountain
Towards the end of the party, I for some reason decided that many beers, shots of Jaegermeister, Rum Chata, and homemade Apple Pie weren't enough. I decided to bust out the bottle of Jack Daniels' I was given for a birthday gift and drink it straight. That was a horrible idea. Some time after everyone left when I was passing out on my couch, I puked my guts out.
In the end it was a fitting celebration of the 26th anniversary of the birth of Trailer Park Charlie. The ensuing hangover was a wicked one that is normally only reserved for New Years Day. It was one of those "I'm never drinking again" kind of days. But don't worry, that sentiment didn't last. After all, I have a reputation to uphold!
All of my friends call me a Jew because of how I am with money (see: Paying off trailer). So this year for Halloween I decided to humor them and dress like one too:
Since one of my favorite things to do is mock religion, I got my girlfriend to join in the fun as well. Since her last name is Pope, she dressed like a nun.
We also went so far as to carve pumpkins that matched our religious costumes:
That was all fun and good, but our "Holy Trinity" was not complete until our friend Slutty Jesus showed up!
I didn't want my guests to be thirsty (or sober) so I got a keg for the occasion.
Once the beer was flowing, plenty of mayhem ensued:
At one point during the party, I was showing off the brutality of my 840 Watt surround sound system by blasting Slayer really loud. Well, if there's one thing cranky old trailer park ladies don't like, it's Slayer. Around 10:45, someone told me a cop was at the door. I looked out the window and saw a guy with the word "POLICE" emblazoned across his chest. I questioned whether it was a real cop or someone in a costume who wanted to party. It was a real cop.
I stepped out to talk to him and he informed me two people complained about my loud music. But, he seemed to be more annoyed that someone called in since he had already been on a couple noise complaint calls. He understood that people wanted to party on Halloween weekend and almost seemed like he wished he could be getting hammered instead of working. Besides, the noise ordinance starts at fucking 11 PM so I couldn't even get a ticket for it. He told me to keep it down and have fun, then went on his way. Now the mayhem could continue:
Towards the end of the party, I for some reason decided that many beers, shots of Jaegermeister, Rum Chata, and homemade Apple Pie weren't enough. I decided to bust out the bottle of Jack Daniels' I was given for a birthday gift and drink it straight. That was a horrible idea. Some time after everyone left when I was passing out on my couch, I puked my guts out.
In the end it was a fitting celebration of the 26th anniversary of the birth of Trailer Park Charlie. The ensuing hangover was a wicked one that is normally only reserved for New Years Day. It was one of those "I'm never drinking again" kind of days. But don't worry, that sentiment didn't last. After all, I have a reputation to uphold!
Monday, August 15, 2011
Brown Mountain Police Blotter Roundup #3
It's been a while, but it's time once again for Brown Mountain Police Blotter Roundup! After reading many of these tales from the actual Jackson PD "Notable Incidents" site, I find myself really wanting to meet the person who writes them. They seem to have almost as much fun with it as I do.
On April 14 at 6 PM, Deputy Parkinson stopped an intoxicated driver in the McDonald's parking lot, and Officer Foeger went to assist. After arresting the 27-year-old man, Officer Foeger was asked to go to his grandmother’s residence in Brown Mountain in hopes that she could pick the man up after his chemical test. Grandma could be seen looking through the window at the officer but refused to open the door.
I've been drunk and gone to McDonald's plenty of times, but never as early as 6 PM! That would totally suck if you had the "drunchies" and got all the way to McDonald's only to have some asshole cop stop you. Then to have your grandma turn her back on you only makes it worse. Come on Granny, that's just cold!
At about 4 PM, Officer Fristed and Chief Dolnick were dispatched to a domestic violence in-progress at a Brown Mountain residence. A 40-year-old man was detained as he was walking from the area. He said that he had left after getting into an altercation with his wife because she would not give him the checkbook. He tried to grab the keys to her van in hopes that she would exchange the checkbook for them. She responded by slamming the door on his arm, grabbing him by the back of the shirt, and yanking his hair. The shirt was stretched at the neck and the man had a knot on his arm where it had been slammed in the door. Officer Foeger arrived to assist, and eventually the 32-year-old woman was arrested for domestic violence.
What a great childish move by this dude. The old "You won't gimme so I'm taking this from you, stupid head!" ploy. If your wife has the checkbook AND the van, she has all the power. Who knows what crazy shit she'll go buy from Goodwill. I'm thinking if the wife was able to grab the back of his shirt AND yank his hair at the same time, the husband must have a classic trailer park mullet! The guy should really take the checkbook and buy some of those Hanes shirts with collars that don't stretch (the ones that Michael Jordan is whoring all the time).
On April 13 at 12:44 AM, Officer Laabs and Officer Borkowski were dispatched to a Brown Mountain residence regarding a 59-year-old man who was extremely intoxicated. His ex-wife and daughter reported that the man had been released from the VA Hospital after treatment for intoxication. The man was barely able to stand and was talking with heavily slurred speech. His behavior wavered between being calm and having fits of rage. When he sat down on his bed, he reached underneath and pulled out a can of beer but was told he couldn't have it.
I say that's an Epic Fail on the part of the VA Hospital. Whatever the hell kind of "treatment" they did sure didn't work. This guy gave me a great idea though - keep beer under my bed! Whether I need one to fall asleep or one to kill the hangover in the morning, it's all within immediate reach!
On May 21 at 6:42 AM, a 45-year-old Brown Mountain man, with whom we are very familiar, reported that his girlfriend was parked in his driveway threatening suicide. For unknown reasons, the man drove to the Sheriff's Department in West Bend to report this instead of phoning. Officer Fristed found the woman asleep in the car, and she assured him that she was not suicidal, had no intention of harming herself, and never told the man otherwise. The man disappeared from the Sheriff's Department lobby. His 45-year-old girlfriend, however, was arrested on a warrant from Germantown and taken to County Jail.
There's my favorite phrase again - "...with whom we are very familiar..." This is just an overall bizarre story. It would take almost 15 minutes to drive to the Sheriff's department from here. If someone is about to kill themselves in your driveway, why in the hell would you do that? I also love how he "disappeared" from the lobby like he's fucking Houdini.
On May 8 at about 11:14 PM, Officers Krueger and Laabs were dispatched to a Hemlock Street apartment where a 21-year-old intoxicated woman was allegedly found in a vehicle and tried to drive off with one of her children. The officers were met outside by the 22-year-old boyfriend and they could hear the woman through an open window yelling into a phone. He said that the woman hit him in the face with her purse, causing it to bleed. The woman said that she'd been celebrating Mother's Day at her mother's residence in the Brown Mountain trailer park and returned home to find the man with a group of friends. This offended her and she ordered everyone out. She denied hitting the boyfriend with her purse but had no explanation how his lip got cut. Witnesses corroborated the man's story and the woman was arrested for domestic violence.
It sounds like this woman and her mom did a little too much "celebrating" for Mother's Day. I don't think the child was in the mood to celebrate with its intoxicated mom by speeding off away from daddy. What a bitch this bitch is, the husband can't even have friends over while she's gone. What a pussy the boyfriend is though, getting hit with a purse then whining to the cops about it. Douche.
On June 8 at 6:40 PM, a 17-year-old Chestnut Court resident told Officer Foeger that a 17-year-old Brown Mountain girl had tried to choke him while holding a large rock. The young man said that the dispute was over a drug deal that went bad. The girl had no hesitation confirming this, saying that she gave the complainant $105 to purchase marijuana, which she then intended to sell. Later, the complainant told her that he'd been held up at gunpoint at a Jackson apartment, and was relieved of the money before the deal was consummated with the unknown dealer. Not surprisingly, the girl believed this was a ruse, and the man had just kept the money for himself. She confronted him while holding a large rock and grabbed him by the throat. He indignantly replied, "What? You want to get shot?" She believed, therefore, that the complainant was in the wrong. No further action was taken.
WAIT A FREAKING MINUTE! These two stupid teens admitted to setting up a drug deal, which resulted in violence, and "no further action was taken"??? Am I missing something? I think there were more "large rocks" in this story, and they were smoked by the police.
On April 14 at 6 PM, Deputy Parkinson stopped an intoxicated driver in the McDonald's parking lot, and Officer Foeger went to assist. After arresting the 27-year-old man, Officer Foeger was asked to go to his grandmother’s residence in Brown Mountain in hopes that she could pick the man up after his chemical test. Grandma could be seen looking through the window at the officer but refused to open the door.
I've been drunk and gone to McDonald's plenty of times, but never as early as 6 PM! That would totally suck if you had the "drunchies" and got all the way to McDonald's only to have some asshole cop stop you. Then to have your grandma turn her back on you only makes it worse. Come on Granny, that's just cold!
At about 4 PM, Officer Fristed and Chief Dolnick were dispatched to a domestic violence in-progress at a Brown Mountain residence. A 40-year-old man was detained as he was walking from the area. He said that he had left after getting into an altercation with his wife because she would not give him the checkbook. He tried to grab the keys to her van in hopes that she would exchange the checkbook for them. She responded by slamming the door on his arm, grabbing him by the back of the shirt, and yanking his hair. The shirt was stretched at the neck and the man had a knot on his arm where it had been slammed in the door. Officer Foeger arrived to assist, and eventually the 32-year-old woman was arrested for domestic violence.
What a great childish move by this dude. The old "You won't gimme so I'm taking this from you, stupid head!" ploy. If your wife has the checkbook AND the van, she has all the power. Who knows what crazy shit she'll go buy from Goodwill. I'm thinking if the wife was able to grab the back of his shirt AND yank his hair at the same time, the husband must have a classic trailer park mullet! The guy should really take the checkbook and buy some of those Hanes shirts with collars that don't stretch (the ones that Michael Jordan is whoring all the time).
On April 13 at 12:44 AM, Officer Laabs and Officer Borkowski were dispatched to a Brown Mountain residence regarding a 59-year-old man who was extremely intoxicated. His ex-wife and daughter reported that the man had been released from the VA Hospital after treatment for intoxication. The man was barely able to stand and was talking with heavily slurred speech. His behavior wavered between being calm and having fits of rage. When he sat down on his bed, he reached underneath and pulled out a can of beer but was told he couldn't have it.
I say that's an Epic Fail on the part of the VA Hospital. Whatever the hell kind of "treatment" they did sure didn't work. This guy gave me a great idea though - keep beer under my bed! Whether I need one to fall asleep or one to kill the hangover in the morning, it's all within immediate reach!
On May 21 at 6:42 AM, a 45-year-old Brown Mountain man, with whom we are very familiar, reported that his girlfriend was parked in his driveway threatening suicide. For unknown reasons, the man drove to the Sheriff's Department in West Bend to report this instead of phoning. Officer Fristed found the woman asleep in the car, and she assured him that she was not suicidal, had no intention of harming herself, and never told the man otherwise. The man disappeared from the Sheriff's Department lobby. His 45-year-old girlfriend, however, was arrested on a warrant from Germantown and taken to County Jail.
There's my favorite phrase again - "...with whom we are very familiar..." This is just an overall bizarre story. It would take almost 15 minutes to drive to the Sheriff's department from here. If someone is about to kill themselves in your driveway, why in the hell would you do that? I also love how he "disappeared" from the lobby like he's fucking Houdini.
On May 8 at about 11:14 PM, Officers Krueger and Laabs were dispatched to a Hemlock Street apartment where a 21-year-old intoxicated woman was allegedly found in a vehicle and tried to drive off with one of her children. The officers were met outside by the 22-year-old boyfriend and they could hear the woman through an open window yelling into a phone. He said that the woman hit him in the face with her purse, causing it to bleed. The woman said that she'd been celebrating Mother's Day at her mother's residence in the Brown Mountain trailer park and returned home to find the man with a group of friends. This offended her and she ordered everyone out. She denied hitting the boyfriend with her purse but had no explanation how his lip got cut. Witnesses corroborated the man's story and the woman was arrested for domestic violence.
It sounds like this woman and her mom did a little too much "celebrating" for Mother's Day. I don't think the child was in the mood to celebrate with its intoxicated mom by speeding off away from daddy. What a bitch this bitch is, the husband can't even have friends over while she's gone. What a pussy the boyfriend is though, getting hit with a purse then whining to the cops about it. Douche.
On June 8 at 6:40 PM, a 17-year-old Chestnut Court resident told Officer Foeger that a 17-year-old Brown Mountain girl had tried to choke him while holding a large rock. The young man said that the dispute was over a drug deal that went bad. The girl had no hesitation confirming this, saying that she gave the complainant $105 to purchase marijuana, which she then intended to sell. Later, the complainant told her that he'd been held up at gunpoint at a Jackson apartment, and was relieved of the money before the deal was consummated with the unknown dealer. Not surprisingly, the girl believed this was a ruse, and the man had just kept the money for himself. She confronted him while holding a large rock and grabbed him by the throat. He indignantly replied, "What? You want to get shot?" She believed, therefore, that the complainant was in the wrong. No further action was taken.
WAIT A FREAKING MINUTE! These two stupid teens admitted to setting up a drug deal, which resulted in violence, and "no further action was taken"??? Am I missing something? I think there were more "large rocks" in this story, and they were smoked by the police.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Charlie vs. Heating and Cooling - Part 2
If you remember back to the original Charlie vs. Heating and Cooling, my ancient central air conditioning unit died a terrible death last year. After having saved what I hoped would be enough to pay for a new one this year, I began pursuing it when the hot weather hit. I was fed up with the incompetent buffoonery I experienced with Doug the AC Guy and Whenever We Feel Like It Heating & Cooling. I decided to contact a guy I knew from high school who happened to have a job selling what I needed. Just to show him that I didn't want to deal with any bullshit, I even directed him to my blog so he could see what I'd been through. Little did I know I would be in for more bullshit, and it wouldn't even be their fault.
When Doug the AC Guy first came out to look at my AC, he said my unit was 1.5 ton and replacing it would be around $1,000. But since Doug is a fucking moron, this wasn't even close to true. When I had the guy out from Whenever We Feel Like It to look at my furnace, I mentioned that my AC was toast. He said I would have to replace the compressor as well as the refrigerant coil because of some new hippie government regulation forcing them to use more environmentally friendly coolant. Ok, fine...
So when I contacted Bryan from Williams Heating Service, I told him what the deal was and what I thought I needed. He came out to check it out and found that my old unit was actually a 2.5 ton (therefore, more expensive). In order to replace it, and do all the electrical and line work, I was looking at $2,500. I wasn't enthused about spending $1,500 more than I thought, but it wasn't the end of the world.
A little further along in the process, Bryan needed the specifications of my furnace since it sat on top of the refrigerant coil, and it holds the fan that blows stuff (as if a fan has any other function...) When he got back to me after looking at the specs, he had some bad news. My current furnace was not rated nor even legal to have in a mobile home. It was smaller than normal trailer furnaces since and was more for heating a garage or small cabin. Because of liability issues, Williams understandably didn't want to work on it without replacing the furnace as well. FUCKING ASS COLON BREATH!
Whichever dickhead put the furnace in before either didn't know or didn't care that it wasn't legally rated for a trailer. They just wanted something cheap. My brain went back in to its archives and played back a distinct memory for me - Dick (the previous owner of my trailer) showing me around the house and telling me how he put the furnace in himself and built the closet around it. DICK WAS THAT DICKHEAD!!! Considering what a hack he was, I'm sure he knew the furnace was undersized and didn't give a shit. I guess Dick must be used to having things that are smaller than normal size... Somehow this fact also eluded the jackass home inspector. When he came through, the only thing he had an issue with was literally how many centimeters the newly rebuilt deck stairs were off the ground. The need to build the stairs yet again almost made me miss my closing date. But yet he managed to overlook the goddamn illegal furnace...
What did all this mean for me? If I wanted a new frosty cold central air conditioner, I would have to get a new furnace too. This caused the price of everything to bloat to $5,000 (that was even a good deal because of me going thru Bryan). By this point I was pissed, but I also knew I pretty much didn't have a choice. I know this might disappoint all of you, but I don't plan on being trailer trash forever! Whenever I decide to sell this place, I would have a hard time doing so with a rusty old dead air conditioner sitting outside and illegal furnace inside. So since I had to replace everything, I decided I might as well do it now so I can enjoy it while I'm here.
We worked out the rest of the deal and got the contract done. Bryan and his crew came and installed everything over the course of a day. When I came home, I was greeted with a sensation that felt like taking a big bite out of a glacier. I had a functional air conditioner, and it was as cold as the arctic. I have yet to pay a dime for any of it, but I know that bill for 5 G's is ominously lurking like Nobama outside Ms. D's bedroom window. In the meantime, I am basking in its frigid glory during this nasty heat wave. The polar ice caps may be melting, but new ones are forming inside my trailer. Soon, National Geographic will be tracking polar bears making a pilgrimage to Brown Mountain Trailer Park.
If you find yourself going through the same crap as me, I recommend contacting Bryan H. at Williams Heating Service. They had the great service I sorely needed! Tell 'em Trailer Park Charlie sent ya!
When Doug the AC Guy first came out to look at my AC, he said my unit was 1.5 ton and replacing it would be around $1,000. But since Doug is a fucking moron, this wasn't even close to true. When I had the guy out from Whenever We Feel Like It to look at my furnace, I mentioned that my AC was toast. He said I would have to replace the compressor as well as the refrigerant coil because of some new hippie government regulation forcing them to use more environmentally friendly coolant. Ok, fine...
So when I contacted Bryan from Williams Heating Service, I told him what the deal was and what I thought I needed. He came out to check it out and found that my old unit was actually a 2.5 ton (therefore, more expensive). In order to replace it, and do all the electrical and line work, I was looking at $2,500. I wasn't enthused about spending $1,500 more than I thought, but it wasn't the end of the world.
A little further along in the process, Bryan needed the specifications of my furnace since it sat on top of the refrigerant coil, and it holds the fan that blows stuff (as if a fan has any other function...) When he got back to me after looking at the specs, he had some bad news. My current furnace was not rated nor even legal to have in a mobile home. It was smaller than normal trailer furnaces since and was more for heating a garage or small cabin. Because of liability issues, Williams understandably didn't want to work on it without replacing the furnace as well. FUCKING ASS COLON BREATH!
Whichever dickhead put the furnace in before either didn't know or didn't care that it wasn't legally rated for a trailer. They just wanted something cheap. My brain went back in to its archives and played back a distinct memory for me - Dick (the previous owner of my trailer) showing me around the house and telling me how he put the furnace in himself and built the closet around it. DICK WAS THAT DICKHEAD!!! Considering what a hack he was, I'm sure he knew the furnace was undersized and didn't give a shit. I guess Dick must be used to having things that are smaller than normal size... Somehow this fact also eluded the jackass home inspector. When he came through, the only thing he had an issue with was literally how many centimeters the newly rebuilt deck stairs were off the ground. The need to build the stairs yet again almost made me miss my closing date. But yet he managed to overlook the goddamn illegal furnace...
What did all this mean for me? If I wanted a new frosty cold central air conditioner, I would have to get a new furnace too. This caused the price of everything to bloat to $5,000 (that was even a good deal because of me going thru Bryan). By this point I was pissed, but I also knew I pretty much didn't have a choice. I know this might disappoint all of you, but I don't plan on being trailer trash forever! Whenever I decide to sell this place, I would have a hard time doing so with a rusty old dead air conditioner sitting outside and illegal furnace inside. So since I had to replace everything, I decided I might as well do it now so I can enjoy it while I'm here.
We worked out the rest of the deal and got the contract done. Bryan and his crew came and installed everything over the course of a day. When I came home, I was greeted with a sensation that felt like taking a big bite out of a glacier. I had a functional air conditioner, and it was as cold as the arctic. I have yet to pay a dime for any of it, but I know that bill for 5 G's is ominously lurking like Nobama outside Ms. D's bedroom window. In the meantime, I am basking in its frigid glory during this nasty heat wave. The polar ice caps may be melting, but new ones are forming inside my trailer. Soon, National Geographic will be tracking polar bears making a pilgrimage to Brown Mountain Trailer Park.
If you find yourself going through the same crap as me, I recommend contacting Bryan H. at Williams Heating Service. They had the great service I sorely needed! Tell 'em Trailer Park Charlie sent ya!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Nobama Loves His Mama
Despite being a child molesting stalker creep, Nobama is still a mama's boy at heart. He drives all the way from Michigan quite often to visit her and help her out with things around the house. It comes at no small risk to him, either. Nobama claims to have a condition with his neck/spinal cord that is bad enough that he could DIE if it gets hit or slips out of place. Because of this, he is often seen wearing a neck brace, which can be a funny sight. Remember - He looks like the Unabomber without a beard:
A couple weeks ago, I saw him walking his mom's dog. He was wearing his neck brace and a hideous striped sweater, while his mom walked beside him pushing a walker. If I had to guess, his mom must have bought him the sweater thinking he would look "adorable" in it. Then to make her think he likes it and wears it regularly, he wore it to her house. (Don't deny it, all of us have worn ugly clothing around relatives simply because they bought it for us as a gift and we don't want them to feel bad.)
Nobama must have REALLY wanted to show appreciation for his mama this past Mother's Day. As I was trying to sleep that morning, I could hear an intermittent grinding sound accompanied by something mechanical. When I was leaving for Illinois to visit my own mother, I saw the source of the noise. Nobama, wearing his neck brace, was out in front of his mom's house - with a chainsaw - chopping up a huge downed tree limb. What an incredibly amusing sight that was. If your neck is so bad that you have to wear a neck brace and you could die, what on earth are you doing out chainsawing a tree limb on Mother's Day?!?
While I found the scene funny, I can only imagine what Ms. D thought when she saw her psycho handicapped stalker brandishing a chainsaw in the middle of our neighborhood. I have seen her alive since then, so I know he didn't chop her up and hide her in the huge pile of wood he left by the curb. But it could have only been practice for him. If he can chop up a tree in his neck brace, imagine what he could do to Ms. D! If I wake up to chainsaw noises again and hear screams, I will immediately know what's happening.
Walter's Woes Update: Walter's Dodge Journey is back! He said he "got rid of it" after his last girlfriend moved out. Then he was driving that Buick around. One day, the Journey was suddenly parked in his driveway again and the Buick was nowhere to be found. Curious, I asked him how he got it back. Apparently him "getting rid of it" meant hiding it in a storage garage. He filed for bankruptcy and isn't making payments on the Dodge, so it's going to get repossessed, just not yet! He blew a brake line on the Buick (see, I told you Buicks are garbage!) so the Dodge was the only thing he has left to drive. Well, at least until some strong men come and take it away.
A couple weeks ago, I saw him walking his mom's dog. He was wearing his neck brace and a hideous striped sweater, while his mom walked beside him pushing a walker. If I had to guess, his mom must have bought him the sweater thinking he would look "adorable" in it. Then to make her think he likes it and wears it regularly, he wore it to her house. (Don't deny it, all of us have worn ugly clothing around relatives simply because they bought it for us as a gift and we don't want them to feel bad.)
Nobama must have REALLY wanted to show appreciation for his mama this past Mother's Day. As I was trying to sleep that morning, I could hear an intermittent grinding sound accompanied by something mechanical. When I was leaving for Illinois to visit my own mother, I saw the source of the noise. Nobama, wearing his neck brace, was out in front of his mom's house - with a chainsaw - chopping up a huge downed tree limb. What an incredibly amusing sight that was. If your neck is so bad that you have to wear a neck brace and you could die, what on earth are you doing out chainsawing a tree limb on Mother's Day?!?
While I found the scene funny, I can only imagine what Ms. D thought when she saw her psycho handicapped stalker brandishing a chainsaw in the middle of our neighborhood. I have seen her alive since then, so I know he didn't chop her up and hide her in the huge pile of wood he left by the curb. But it could have only been practice for him. If he can chop up a tree in his neck brace, imagine what he could do to Ms. D! If I wake up to chainsaw noises again and hear screams, I will immediately know what's happening.
Walter's Woes Update: Walter's Dodge Journey is back! He said he "got rid of it" after his last girlfriend moved out. Then he was driving that Buick around. One day, the Journey was suddenly parked in his driveway again and the Buick was nowhere to be found. Curious, I asked him how he got it back. Apparently him "getting rid of it" meant hiding it in a storage garage. He filed for bankruptcy and isn't making payments on the Dodge, so it's going to get repossessed, just not yet! He blew a brake line on the Buick (see, I told you Buicks are garbage!) so the Dodge was the only thing he has left to drive. Well, at least until some strong men come and take it away.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Walter's Woes #3
Since his ex-wife declared herself a lesbian and divorced him, my next-door neighbor Walter has certainly had his share of ups and downs in the Female Department. First there was the girl who lived with him for a couple weeks, then went back to her abusive ex-boyfrend from Chicago (although she texted Walter and claimed to still love him). Then there was the psycho drunk lady who lived with him for a short while until she vaulted over my fence one night while trying to evade the cops.
About 9 months ago, Walter started having yet another lady frequent his house. This one was homelier and heavier than the others. In an event that should come as a surprise to no one, she moved in with him shortly after. I expected that it would be another short-lived ordeal that would end with hilarious results. I was wrong.
Things seemed to be going great for them for a long time (by Walter's standards). They got a dog and a brand new Dodge SUV together. They never had the cops show up. Walter would park in the middle spot and let her park in the driveway (what a guy!) Surely they were living in perfect harmony. Well, apparently not.
I was taking my garbage out one night when I noticed Walter in the parking lot looking at a car with a flashlight. I asked him what he was up to and he said he was transferring license plates to his "new" car. It was a 1994 Buick that he bought from some old lady for $1000. I know that Buick is supposed to be a "luxury" car, but I swear that 90% of the ones I see are old rusty hunks of shit driven by either old ladies, members of local heavy metal bands, or high school students.
It seemed odd that Walter was transferring plates from his nice new SUV to this shitpile. But then he gave me the big news: He and his girlfriend had broken up! Oh no! She would be moving out, but not until April 1st (he told me this on March 8th). That would make for almost a whole month of awkward. He wouldn't be able to keep up the payments on the Dodge by himself so he had to get rid of it. Thus, his purchase of a cheap-ass Buick. Their family was being broken up as well - they got rid of their dog! I was fine with that, though. The one time I took my dog to their house, his bastard dog tried to rip mine to shreds.
Last week, it became apparent that his former lady-friend was actually leaving. I kept seeing her leave with carloads of belongings. When some guys showed up with a moving truck on Saturday, I really started to wonder just how much shit she had there. Was she even leaving Walter with anything or was he being his pushover-self and giving stuff away to her?
She might have taken a lot of crap after their little breakup, but there is one thing she didn't take - Walter's 2000 Inch TV. Ok, it's more like 55 inches. But Walter has this massive HDTV that faces directly towards my kitchen window. Since he pretty much never has his blinds closed, I don't have curtains, and he is ALWAYS FUCKING WATCHING TV, I constantly get a blinding glare from it in my house. If I have most of my lights off, his TV makes it look like there is a lightning storm happening next door. He's always watching something lame too, so it's not like I can be entertained through my kitchen window. If he were to combine his blinding TV with (former owner of his house) Mildred's insanely loud TV, they could assault two of my five senses at once.
So, where does Walter go from here? History-based logic would conclude he will get desperate again and let some other drifter hag move in with him. I predict it will happen within 2.5 months. Time to wait and see!
About 9 months ago, Walter started having yet another lady frequent his house. This one was homelier and heavier than the others. In an event that should come as a surprise to no one, she moved in with him shortly after. I expected that it would be another short-lived ordeal that would end with hilarious results. I was wrong.
Things seemed to be going great for them for a long time (by Walter's standards). They got a dog and a brand new Dodge SUV together. They never had the cops show up. Walter would park in the middle spot and let her park in the driveway (what a guy!) Surely they were living in perfect harmony. Well, apparently not.
I was taking my garbage out one night when I noticed Walter in the parking lot looking at a car with a flashlight. I asked him what he was up to and he said he was transferring license plates to his "new" car. It was a 1994 Buick that he bought from some old lady for $1000. I know that Buick is supposed to be a "luxury" car, but I swear that 90% of the ones I see are old rusty hunks of shit driven by either old ladies, members of local heavy metal bands, or high school students.
It seemed odd that Walter was transferring plates from his nice new SUV to this shitpile. But then he gave me the big news: He and his girlfriend had broken up! Oh no! She would be moving out, but not until April 1st (he told me this on March 8th). That would make for almost a whole month of awkward. He wouldn't be able to keep up the payments on the Dodge by himself so he had to get rid of it. Thus, his purchase of a cheap-ass Buick. Their family was being broken up as well - they got rid of their dog! I was fine with that, though. The one time I took my dog to their house, his bastard dog tried to rip mine to shreds.
Last week, it became apparent that his former lady-friend was actually leaving. I kept seeing her leave with carloads of belongings. When some guys showed up with a moving truck on Saturday, I really started to wonder just how much shit she had there. Was she even leaving Walter with anything or was he being his pushover-self and giving stuff away to her?
She might have taken a lot of crap after their little breakup, but there is one thing she didn't take - Walter's 2000 Inch TV. Ok, it's more like 55 inches. But Walter has this massive HDTV that faces directly towards my kitchen window. Since he pretty much never has his blinds closed, I don't have curtains, and he is ALWAYS FUCKING WATCHING TV, I constantly get a blinding glare from it in my house. If I have most of my lights off, his TV makes it look like there is a lightning storm happening next door. He's always watching something lame too, so it's not like I can be entertained through my kitchen window. If he were to combine his blinding TV with (former owner of his house) Mildred's insanely loud TV, they could assault two of my five senses at once.
So, where does Walter go from here? History-based logic would conclude he will get desperate again and let some other drifter hag move in with him. I predict it will happen within 2.5 months. Time to wait and see!
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Brown Mountain Police Blotter Roundup #2
The Brown Mountain Police Blotter Roundup is back with even more harrowing tales of trailer park misdeeds! Enough wasting time, let's get started!
On November 21 at 1:21 AM, Officer Gerke and Officer Laabs were dispatched to a Brown Mountain residence where a 38-year-old woman had made three 911 phone calls. The dispatcher reported that the woman appeared to be intoxicated and distraught because her ex-boyfriend had been arrested for drunk driving earlier in the evening and was now threatening to harm her cat and key her car. At the residence, they found the woman to be intoxicated, crying, and mumbling incoherently about her cat and other issues. Her male roommate agreed to keep her off of the cell phone. The Sheriff's Department was asked to make contact at the ex-boyfriend's house and direct him to stop calling this woman because it was upsetting her.
I don't know about you, but if I ever get arrested for drunk driving, I'm DEFINITELY taking it out on my ex-girlfriend, her cat, and her car. Makes perfect sense to me. It seems to be a theme with these stories where the person calling the cops is completely obliterated and incoherent. I guess that's just how you deal with stress around here?
On November 29 at 1:48 AM a 19-year-old Brown Mountain woman requested help, stating that her husband was out of control and prevented her from leaving the residence. Officer Laabs and Officer Gerke met her outside, where she said that her husband got upset because she was texting with a friend. She also said that her husband is bipolar and not taking medication. The husband said that he was upset because his wife received a message at 1 AM from an 18-year-old man inviting her to "hang". This made him upset, telling her, "this kid is underage, you're drinking with him, and spending nights there while we have a young baby". He said that he did not threaten her or have any physical contact, nor did he lose control. The man's brother, who was visiting, verified this. Although the woman claimed that she was going to leave the residence for the night and stay at her mother's home, it was later determined that she did go to visit the 18-year-old.
Obviously a husband that gets angry about his wife hanging out with some other guy in the middle of the night has to be bipolar and not taking his meds! What other explanation could there be? I like how he takes the moral high ground and calls his 19 year old wife out on underage drinking with a minor. Maybe your wife just doesn't want to drink alone. Have you ever considered that, buddy? While you are being a stick in the mud and taking care of the baby, she just wants to have a little fun. Oh, and this 18 year old dude probably is just concerned and doesn't want her to drive home while drunk. So, that's why she stays over there for the night. Chill the fuck out and take your pills, man.
On December 5 at 7:42 PM, Officer Wrucke met with a 33-year-old Brown Mountain woman, whom we are familiar with, regarding a man who was harassing her. She had been dating this person "off and on" for a couple of weeks after meeting him via a "date line". She was upset at the number of phone calls and text messages he was now sending her. At the officer's request, the woman sent the man a text message asking him to call. Officer Wrucke answered and explained the situation. The man replied that he was concerned because the complainant was, "hanging out with people who were going down to Milwaukee to buy drugs". Since the complainant was not willing to limit her contact with this person, there was nothing further that could be done to assist her.
You have to love that phrase "whom we are familiar with". The cops were "familiar with" Walter's crazy ex-girlfriend, and she was a lot of fun. This story proves that people actually do call those dating lines you see advertised on late-night TV! You know, the ones where a ridiculously hot girl is "feeling lonely" so she calls an 800 number and talks to some hunk. Given that, the two people involved in this story must be incredibly good-looking (and have all their teeth!) I like the little trick they played on the poor guy. He got a text that he should call the girl. Then he does call and it's some police officer! If that doesn't kill your wood, I don't know what does. But then after all that, she didn't want to stop talking to the guy. I guess they must be a match made in Dating Line Heaven!
On December 7 at 3:00 AM, the Menomonee Falls Police Department broadcast information about several gas stations that had been burglarized that night, with the suspect vehicle possibly being a dark minivan similar to a Dodge Caravan. The suspects were dressed in dark clothing and stealing cigarettes. At about 3:49 AM, Officer Henning observed a vehicle matching that description driving slowly on Main Street, pull into a closed convenience store and then exit, then continue driving slowly on Main Street, and then enter Brown Mountain where it was stopped. Officer Laabs arrived to assist. The driver was a 53-year-old Milwaukee woman. The lone passenger was a 45-year-old Brown Mountain man who was arrested last month for burglary and is an admitted crack cocaine user. The woman's pupils were dilated and she seemed agitated and excited. The woman became upset and accused the officer of harassing her. Officer Henning tried to explain that her vehicle's description and her unusual driving made it necessary for him to make sure it wasn't connected with the Menomonee Falls incidents. However, the woman remained upset. In speaking to the passenger, Officer Henning observed that he, too, had dilated pupils and was agitated. This, plus physical signs in their mouths and tongues, suggested that both subjects were under the influence of crack cocaine. A search of the vehicle turned up a crack pipe and associated tools, but no cocaine. The driver was arrested for possession of drug paraphernalia. While en route to the County Jail, the woman constantly berated Officer Henning for harassing her and that he was, "an ass and embarrassment". The woman called Chief Dolnick the next day to complain that she had been racially profiled.
Crackheads in Brown Mountain! That's a new one. Why were these people only stealing cigarettes? At least get some beef jerky or Funyuns or something while you're at it. This story amuses me because of how this cracked-out lady played the Race Card. I'm sure racial profiling happens in plenty of small, predominantly white towns. But I'm also sure that if Officer Henning saw a shitty-ass Dodge Caravan driving suspiciously at 3:49 AM, pulled it over, and found two white people on an all-night burglary/crack binge, he wouldn't just apologize for the inconvenience and let them go. People like this stupid lady are the reason racial profiling happens - they live out the stereotype, which forces others to think that all people of that race might be doing illegal shit too. I'm not saying it's fair whatsoever, but there is a reason it happens.
On December 11 at 1 AM, a Brown Mountain man reported that his 19-year-old wife was attempting to enter their residence with numerous other underage subjects, all of whom had been drinking. Officer Henning and Officer Fristed arrived and intercepted a truck containing Wife and three men and another woman. The wife said that she had returned home to pick up her dog, alleging that both she and the dog are beaten by the husband. Four of the vehicle occupants, including the wife, were underage and had been drinking, and were cited. Since the driver had not been drinking and there was no reason to hold anyone, they were allowed to leave.
Hmmm, 19 year old wife drinking with other minors... I'm gonna go out on a limb and say this is the same couple that were referenced before! This time the husband was trying to keep her OUT of the house! All she wanted to do was pick up her poor abused dog (the husband is a bipolar maniac, remember) and have it join their little underage party. Seriously though, if you marry a 19 year old crazy girl, shouldn't you be expecting things like this to happen? I wouldn't know, because I'm not that stupid.
On November 21 at 1:21 AM, Officer Gerke and Officer Laabs were dispatched to a Brown Mountain residence where a 38-year-old woman had made three 911 phone calls. The dispatcher reported that the woman appeared to be intoxicated and distraught because her ex-boyfriend had been arrested for drunk driving earlier in the evening and was now threatening to harm her cat and key her car. At the residence, they found the woman to be intoxicated, crying, and mumbling incoherently about her cat and other issues. Her male roommate agreed to keep her off of the cell phone. The Sheriff's Department was asked to make contact at the ex-boyfriend's house and direct him to stop calling this woman because it was upsetting her.
I don't know about you, but if I ever get arrested for drunk driving, I'm DEFINITELY taking it out on my ex-girlfriend, her cat, and her car. Makes perfect sense to me. It seems to be a theme with these stories where the person calling the cops is completely obliterated and incoherent. I guess that's just how you deal with stress around here?
On November 29 at 1:48 AM a 19-year-old Brown Mountain woman requested help, stating that her husband was out of control and prevented her from leaving the residence. Officer Laabs and Officer Gerke met her outside, where she said that her husband got upset because she was texting with a friend. She also said that her husband is bipolar and not taking medication. The husband said that he was upset because his wife received a message at 1 AM from an 18-year-old man inviting her to "hang". This made him upset, telling her, "this kid is underage, you're drinking with him, and spending nights there while we have a young baby". He said that he did not threaten her or have any physical contact, nor did he lose control. The man's brother, who was visiting, verified this. Although the woman claimed that she was going to leave the residence for the night and stay at her mother's home, it was later determined that she did go to visit the 18-year-old.
Obviously a husband that gets angry about his wife hanging out with some other guy in the middle of the night has to be bipolar and not taking his meds! What other explanation could there be? I like how he takes the moral high ground and calls his 19 year old wife out on underage drinking with a minor. Maybe your wife just doesn't want to drink alone. Have you ever considered that, buddy? While you are being a stick in the mud and taking care of the baby, she just wants to have a little fun. Oh, and this 18 year old dude probably is just concerned and doesn't want her to drive home while drunk. So, that's why she stays over there for the night. Chill the fuck out and take your pills, man.
On December 5 at 7:42 PM, Officer Wrucke met with a 33-year-old Brown Mountain woman, whom we are familiar with, regarding a man who was harassing her. She had been dating this person "off and on" for a couple of weeks after meeting him via a "date line". She was upset at the number of phone calls and text messages he was now sending her. At the officer's request, the woman sent the man a text message asking him to call. Officer Wrucke answered and explained the situation. The man replied that he was concerned because the complainant was, "hanging out with people who were going down to Milwaukee to buy drugs". Since the complainant was not willing to limit her contact with this person, there was nothing further that could be done to assist her.
You have to love that phrase "whom we are familiar with". The cops were "familiar with" Walter's crazy ex-girlfriend, and she was a lot of fun. This story proves that people actually do call those dating lines you see advertised on late-night TV! You know, the ones where a ridiculously hot girl is "feeling lonely" so she calls an 800 number and talks to some hunk. Given that, the two people involved in this story must be incredibly good-looking (and have all their teeth!) I like the little trick they played on the poor guy. He got a text that he should call the girl. Then he does call and it's some police officer! If that doesn't kill your wood, I don't know what does. But then after all that, she didn't want to stop talking to the guy. I guess they must be a match made in Dating Line Heaven!
On December 7 at 3:00 AM, the Menomonee Falls Police Department broadcast information about several gas stations that had been burglarized that night, with the suspect vehicle possibly being a dark minivan similar to a Dodge Caravan. The suspects were dressed in dark clothing and stealing cigarettes. At about 3:49 AM, Officer Henning observed a vehicle matching that description driving slowly on Main Street, pull into a closed convenience store and then exit, then continue driving slowly on Main Street, and then enter Brown Mountain where it was stopped. Officer Laabs arrived to assist. The driver was a 53-year-old Milwaukee woman. The lone passenger was a 45-year-old Brown Mountain man who was arrested last month for burglary and is an admitted crack cocaine user. The woman's pupils were dilated and she seemed agitated and excited. The woman became upset and accused the officer of harassing her. Officer Henning tried to explain that her vehicle's description and her unusual driving made it necessary for him to make sure it wasn't connected with the Menomonee Falls incidents. However, the woman remained upset. In speaking to the passenger, Officer Henning observed that he, too, had dilated pupils and was agitated. This, plus physical signs in their mouths and tongues, suggested that both subjects were under the influence of crack cocaine. A search of the vehicle turned up a crack pipe and associated tools, but no cocaine. The driver was arrested for possession of drug paraphernalia. While en route to the County Jail, the woman constantly berated Officer Henning for harassing her and that he was, "an ass and embarrassment". The woman called Chief Dolnick the next day to complain that she had been racially profiled.
Crackheads in Brown Mountain! That's a new one. Why were these people only stealing cigarettes? At least get some beef jerky or Funyuns or something while you're at it. This story amuses me because of how this cracked-out lady played the Race Card. I'm sure racial profiling happens in plenty of small, predominantly white towns. But I'm also sure that if Officer Henning saw a shitty-ass Dodge Caravan driving suspiciously at 3:49 AM, pulled it over, and found two white people on an all-night burglary/crack binge, he wouldn't just apologize for the inconvenience and let them go. People like this stupid lady are the reason racial profiling happens - they live out the stereotype, which forces others to think that all people of that race might be doing illegal shit too. I'm not saying it's fair whatsoever, but there is a reason it happens.
On December 11 at 1 AM, a Brown Mountain man reported that his 19-year-old wife was attempting to enter their residence with numerous other underage subjects, all of whom had been drinking. Officer Henning and Officer Fristed arrived and intercepted a truck containing Wife and three men and another woman. The wife said that she had returned home to pick up her dog, alleging that both she and the dog are beaten by the husband. Four of the vehicle occupants, including the wife, were underage and had been drinking, and were cited. Since the driver had not been drinking and there was no reason to hold anyone, they were allowed to leave.
Hmmm, 19 year old wife drinking with other minors... I'm gonna go out on a limb and say this is the same couple that were referenced before! This time the husband was trying to keep her OUT of the house! All she wanted to do was pick up her poor abused dog (the husband is a bipolar maniac, remember) and have it join their little underage party. Seriously though, if you marry a 19 year old crazy girl, shouldn't you be expecting things like this to happen? I wouldn't know, because I'm not that stupid.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Charlie vs. Heating and Cooling
Last May when the weather started heating up, I did what any sane person would do - cranked on my central air conditioner! But one day when I arrived home from work, my trailer was downright sweltering. I went outside to inspect my AC unit, only to find it was hot enough to grill a rabbit on and was making a horrible noise. Disgruntled, I decided to call a local repairman to come check it out. My AC unit looked to be about as old as Agnes so I wasn't very optimistic.
This ancient hunk of shit finally kicked the bucket.
The place I called said they would contact someone and have him get a hold of me. Shortly after, I heard from Doug the AC Guy. He said he was on a call an hour away but would head over by me after that. I gave him my address and told him it was in the trailer park. He said "That's in Menomonee Falls, right?" Me: "No, it's in Jackson..." (Their office is based in Jackson, so, it shouldn't be confusing...)
Two hours go by and finally Doug the AC Guy calls me back. He says he is in Menomonee Falls and can't find where I live. Me: "No, it's in Jackson!" Doug: "Oh, well I'll get back on the freeway and be there soon." Jesus christ.
45 minutes later Doug finally shows up in the right town and arrives at my house. He is an older, portly, highly freckled man. I take him out back by the unit and he struggles to figure out how to get the case off. He finally does, and after having me turn the AC on and off a few times, he was able to determine that the compressor motor was seized up and my air conditioner was fucked. Doug estimated it would be about $1,000 to put a new one in. He said if I called him when he was back at the office, he could look one up for me on the computer. He then informed me about this new awesome technology they use where "They have this web site, and I log in with my name and pick a password, and I can look at all the units right there from the computer!" Impressive! Maybe next your company can invest IN A FUCKING GPS FOR YOU!
At first I thought I was going to replace my air conditioner right away, but I had just dropped $1,200 on vehicle repairs so blowing another grand didn't sound appealing. Then I got a crazy idea - I should see if I can make it through the summer with no air conditioner! Then I can save money and get one next year! It was pretty brutal at times, but I managed to survive. I was happy if it was in the low 80's inside my house. I contemplated bottling and selling my ball sweat since I was producing so much of it. Would you buy Trailer Park Charlie's Bottled Ball Sweat?
Flash-forward to last week. I came home from work, and this time found that it was 45 fucking degrees in my house! I could see my breath. This time, something was wrong with the damn furnace. I contacted another local business called One Hour Heating & Air Conditioning. Their tagline is "Always on time, or you don't pay a dime!" I thought "Cool, someone can be here in an hour to check this shit out." Well, as it would turn out, that is incredibly misleading.
I placed my initial call to them at 6:46 PM and told them it was fucking freezing in my house. They said I would be next in line for one of their techs, and they would call me when he was on his way. I cranked on the oven and a space heater to help warm up the house and started waiting... and waiting...
I was getting pissed so I decided to run to Walgreens for some beer (yes, the Walgreens near me sells beer). They had this massive stack of cans on display for a beer I have never heard of - Big Flats (an excellent oxymoron). It was only $2.99 for a 6-pack! I don't usually drink super-cheap beer, but since I was about to be raped by a furnace repair bill, I decided I would give it a shot. It was surprisingly not terrible. It reminds me of Old Style.
You haven't lived until you've experienced Big Flats!
Back at home and armed with beer, I still hadn't heard from these One Hour assholes. It was now 8:54 PM so I called them again. They said they would have their "dispatcher" call me shortly. Three minutes later, a lady calls and says the next technician is finishing up with a call, and will be there in an hour at the latest. She would call me when he is on his way. Inquisitive, I asked, "So when does this one hour guarantee actually start?" The lady said "Well, when you called, you were put on Standby, so we weren't able to determine an actual arrival time. That guarantee is not valid in your situation." FUCK THAT! They didn't call me back for over two hours, I have to wait another hour, and your stupid guarantee that is the foundation of your business isn't even valid??? That is such bullshit. They should change their name to Whenever the Hell We Get Around to It Heating & Air Conditioning.
9:58 PM: The dispatcher calls me back and says the tech is on his way and will be there very soon!
10:22 PM: The tech FINALLY arrives (although he marked it as 10:15 on the invoice). He messes around with the furnace for a while and tries to get it running. He pulls out the "flame sensor" (another word for Gaydar?) and shows me how dirty it his, which causes the furnace to not ignite. He also cleans out the gas intake valves because a bunch of dust and gunk has built up in them. Finally he gets the furnace firing up right and tells me to replace the filter and keep dust from building up in it. Ok, fine. Easy enough. That wasn't much work so this is cheap, right? (Technically, it should be free?) $292.51 ends up being the total for this guy to show up 3 hours 36 minutes after my initial call, clean a couple things, and tell me that dust is bad. FUCK! I think One Hour should change their slogan to "We won't be on time, and you'll pay 2,925 dimes!"
When this summer finally rolls around, I certainly will not be looking to Doug the AC Guy or "One Hour" Heating & Air Conditioning to replace my AC unit.
The place I called said they would contact someone and have him get a hold of me. Shortly after, I heard from Doug the AC Guy. He said he was on a call an hour away but would head over by me after that. I gave him my address and told him it was in the trailer park. He said "That's in Menomonee Falls, right?" Me: "No, it's in Jackson..." (Their office is based in Jackson, so, it shouldn't be confusing...)
Two hours go by and finally Doug the AC Guy calls me back. He says he is in Menomonee Falls and can't find where I live. Me: "No, it's in Jackson!" Doug: "Oh, well I'll get back on the freeway and be there soon." Jesus christ.
45 minutes later Doug finally shows up in the right town and arrives at my house. He is an older, portly, highly freckled man. I take him out back by the unit and he struggles to figure out how to get the case off. He finally does, and after having me turn the AC on and off a few times, he was able to determine that the compressor motor was seized up and my air conditioner was fucked. Doug estimated it would be about $1,000 to put a new one in. He said if I called him when he was back at the office, he could look one up for me on the computer. He then informed me about this new awesome technology they use where "They have this web site, and I log in with my name and pick a password, and I can look at all the units right there from the computer!" Impressive! Maybe next your company can invest IN A FUCKING GPS FOR YOU!
At first I thought I was going to replace my air conditioner right away, but I had just dropped $1,200 on vehicle repairs so blowing another grand didn't sound appealing. Then I got a crazy idea - I should see if I can make it through the summer with no air conditioner! Then I can save money and get one next year! It was pretty brutal at times, but I managed to survive. I was happy if it was in the low 80's inside my house. I contemplated bottling and selling my ball sweat since I was producing so much of it. Would you buy Trailer Park Charlie's Bottled Ball Sweat?
Flash-forward to last week. I came home from work, and this time found that it was 45 fucking degrees in my house! I could see my breath. This time, something was wrong with the damn furnace. I contacted another local business called One Hour Heating & Air Conditioning. Their tagline is "Always on time, or you don't pay a dime!" I thought "Cool, someone can be here in an hour to check this shit out." Well, as it would turn out, that is incredibly misleading.
I placed my initial call to them at 6:46 PM and told them it was fucking freezing in my house. They said I would be next in line for one of their techs, and they would call me when he was on his way. I cranked on the oven and a space heater to help warm up the house and started waiting... and waiting...
I was getting pissed so I decided to run to Walgreens for some beer (yes, the Walgreens near me sells beer). They had this massive stack of cans on display for a beer I have never heard of - Big Flats (an excellent oxymoron). It was only $2.99 for a 6-pack! I don't usually drink super-cheap beer, but since I was about to be raped by a furnace repair bill, I decided I would give it a shot. It was surprisingly not terrible. It reminds me of Old Style.
Back at home and armed with beer, I still hadn't heard from these One Hour assholes. It was now 8:54 PM so I called them again. They said they would have their "dispatcher" call me shortly. Three minutes later, a lady calls and says the next technician is finishing up with a call, and will be there in an hour at the latest. She would call me when he is on his way. Inquisitive, I asked, "So when does this one hour guarantee actually start?" The lady said "Well, when you called, you were put on Standby, so we weren't able to determine an actual arrival time. That guarantee is not valid in your situation." FUCK THAT! They didn't call me back for over two hours, I have to wait another hour, and your stupid guarantee that is the foundation of your business isn't even valid??? That is such bullshit. They should change their name to Whenever the Hell We Get Around to It Heating & Air Conditioning.
9:58 PM: The dispatcher calls me back and says the tech is on his way and will be there very soon!
10:22 PM: The tech FINALLY arrives (although he marked it as 10:15 on the invoice). He messes around with the furnace for a while and tries to get it running. He pulls out the "flame sensor" (another word for Gaydar?) and shows me how dirty it his, which causes the furnace to not ignite. He also cleans out the gas intake valves because a bunch of dust and gunk has built up in them. Finally he gets the furnace firing up right and tells me to replace the filter and keep dust from building up in it. Ok, fine. Easy enough. That wasn't much work so this is cheap, right? (Technically, it should be free?) $292.51 ends up being the total for this guy to show up 3 hours 36 minutes after my initial call, clean a couple things, and tell me that dust is bad. FUCK! I think One Hour should change their slogan to "We won't be on time, and you'll pay 2,925 dimes!"
When this summer finally rolls around, I certainly will not be looking to Doug the AC Guy or "One Hour" Heating & Air Conditioning to replace my AC unit.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Brown Mountain Police Blotter Roundup #1
With all the drama happening at the Pub lately, I feel like I've really been neglecting the heart & soul of this blog - my crazy neighbors! Fear not, that neglect ends now!
Back in August, I shared the official police tale of Walter's crazy ex-girlfriend. It was taken directly from the Jackson PD's own list of "Notable Incidents". Since that time, they have posted even more hilarious incidents that have taken place in Brown Mountain. One of them even includes two of my favorite neighbors - Agnes and Ms. D! Those two are far from best friends, and have a colorful history of incidents.
On October 6 at 4:11 PM, Officer Foeger met with a Brown Mountain resident who said that an 80-year-old neighbor (Agnes) had followed her (Ms. D) while she was mowing her lawn because the grass clippings were flying on the other side of the property. A day later, there was a confrontation between the two concerning the complainant's use of a crow caller, which she uses to scare the squirrels away because they carry disease.
Oh those pesky grass clippings! Nobody wants those in their yard, let alone ones that your neighbor has mowed! Seriously though, this is proof that Agnes looks for anything to bitch about. Is Ms. D supposed to make sure grass only flies towards her house when she mows? And then control the weather so wind doesn't blow them towards Agnes? Then the next day, Ms. D was harmlessly blowing a crow call at squirrels because those things are always assaulting people around here and giving them diseases and such (sounds like Nobama!) I wish I would have seen Ms. D doing that, it sounds hilarious. I remember her telling me earlier in the year that she was thinking of getting a paintball gun to keep the squirrels away. I guess Agnes would rather have a pack of killer squirrels living in the tree between their trailers...
The older woman said she was upset that a complaint had been filed with the police department. Later, the complainant asked that no further action be taken as long as she wasn't harassed in the future. There have been mutual complaints about harassment and disorderly conduct between these and other residents in this particular section of Brown Mountain for many years.
HAHAHAHA, that last sentence sums up just how expansive their rivalry is. Agnes apparently got a little cranky that Ms. D called the cops on her for following and yelling at her. But, in her mind it was perfectly justifiable to call the cops on Ms. D during "The Cookie Incident". Oh, that Agnes, such a handful.
There are also a few other choice stories in the log that involve people I don't know (although after reading these I would like to get to know them!)
On October 2 at 10 PM, Officer Wrucke met Jackson Fire Rescue at a Brown Mountain residence regarding a 45-year-old woman who was intoxicated and consumed an unknown number of prescription pills. The woman was transported to the hospital. Two days later, Officer Borkowski transferred the woman from the hospital to a psychiatric inpatient unit.
Ok, so this is your standard everyday "Crazy middle-aged drunk lady swallows a bunch of pills, so we throw her in the Psych Ward" type incident. BUT WAIT - there's more!
At 7:53 PM, Officer Wrucke returned to the Brown Mountain residence where he'd been the day before because the 18-year-old son had now attempted suicide by taking prescription medication belonging to his mother, who was still hospitalized. The man stated that he was upset because his ex-girlfriend had kissed two other men and because of his mother's commitment the previous day. Officer Wrucke conveyed the man to an inpatient mental health Center in Fond du Lac County, returning to the station at approximately 1:30 AM.
What a family! They both have a genetic predisposition to eating pills like they're Sweet Tarts. Not only was his mommy still in the hospital, HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND KISSED NOT ONE, BUT TWO GUYS!!! If that's not a reason to kill yourself, I don't know what is. Then to top it off, he didn't succeed and ended up in the loony bin just like his mom! Maybe they got to hang out with each other.
10/18 - At 11:13 PM, Officers Foeger, Gerke, and Laabs were dispatched to Brown Mountain regarding a prowler who was crawling between two trailers. A 50-year-old resident said that he and a friend had been watching television. A third man invited three women to "hang out" for the evening. The complainant and his friend were so intoxicated that it was difficult to understand what they were saying, however it appeared that they were upset about the uninvited guests.
I'll get to the "prowler" crawling between the trailers in a minute. But first, what the fuck is wrong with these guys? A dude shows up with three chicks who want to "hang out" and they throw a fit? Bring 'em over to my place! People never show up here with bitches who wanna hang. Dumbasses.
Eventually the women left, but the man sat in a chair outside the trailer, refusing to leave. His presence was not welcomed because he’s thought to be a cocaine user. It was this man who had been crawling between the trailers. Officer Laabs found the man walking on Industrial Drive. Because the man was heavily intoxicated, he was arrested for violation of probation as a non-drinker.
So the guy likes to "powder his nose" a little? That's no reason to kick him and his hoes out! As for crawling between trailers, well that's kinda creepy.
At 8:05 PM, Officer Henning was told by a Brown Mountain woman that her estranged husband was repeatedly calling her cell phone from Arkansas. During these calls the man threatened to blow up the woman's house and claimed that he had a weapon. When contacted by telephone, the intoxicated man first denied making these calls, and then he admitted making them but said that he was misunderstood about blowing up the house.
Man, doesn't it suck when you are misunderstood? Of course this man wasn't threatening his estranged wife from Arkansas, that would just be silly! What he really said was "I'm sending a blowup doll to your house, and I have a weapon - IN MY PANTS!" He was just trying to be romantic and these asshole cops had to get involved.
Later, the man called Officer Henning's cell phone 30 times, making various belligerent statements and demands. The citation was mailed to the man for telephone harassment. The next day, Chief Dolnick contacted the man, who by then was sober and apologetic for his actions. The man is a convicted felon in Arkansas and, after being contacted by this department, the Jefferson County Sheriff's Department in Pine Bluff interviewed him about his threats.
Ok, so, getting in trouble with the cops is one thing. But if you are a convicted felon, calling a cop's phone 30 times and threatening him is probably not the greatest idea (but then again, nobody from Arkansas has ever been accused of being smart.) But at least he made up for it the next day by saying "Sorrrrry guys. I was a little drunk last night and got a tad bit upset. But we're cool, right?"
On October 21 at around 6 PM, a Brown Mountain resident complained that he had loaned a changing table to a neighbor in January and was now unable to get it back. Officer Borkowski explained that this was a civil matter, but she would try to resolve the problem. When contacted, the other woman said that the complainant had sold her the table for $25 so he could buy beer. She was tired of all the phone calls and they could have the table back.
HAHAHAHAHA, this is brilliant! "SHIT! I don't have any money for beer! Let's see, what is there around here that I could sell.... OH! The baby's changing table! I could get $25 for this! That's enough for a shitload of PBR!" Then October rolls around and he and his fat toothless woman popped out another waste of a kid, but they no longer have a changing table! So the simple solution is to harass the lady you sold it to until she gives it back! It worked too, he now has the changing table to sell again for more beer money!
Back in August, I shared the official police tale of Walter's crazy ex-girlfriend. It was taken directly from the Jackson PD's own list of "Notable Incidents". Since that time, they have posted even more hilarious incidents that have taken place in Brown Mountain. One of them even includes two of my favorite neighbors - Agnes and Ms. D! Those two are far from best friends, and have a colorful history of incidents.
On October 6 at 4:11 PM, Officer Foeger met with a Brown Mountain resident who said that an 80-year-old neighbor (Agnes) had followed her (Ms. D) while she was mowing her lawn because the grass clippings were flying on the other side of the property. A day later, there was a confrontation between the two concerning the complainant's use of a crow caller, which she uses to scare the squirrels away because they carry disease.
Oh those pesky grass clippings! Nobody wants those in their yard, let alone ones that your neighbor has mowed! Seriously though, this is proof that Agnes looks for anything to bitch about. Is Ms. D supposed to make sure grass only flies towards her house when she mows? And then control the weather so wind doesn't blow them towards Agnes? Then the next day, Ms. D was harmlessly blowing a crow call at squirrels because those things are always assaulting people around here and giving them diseases and such (sounds like Nobama!) I wish I would have seen Ms. D doing that, it sounds hilarious. I remember her telling me earlier in the year that she was thinking of getting a paintball gun to keep the squirrels away. I guess Agnes would rather have a pack of killer squirrels living in the tree between their trailers...
The older woman said she was upset that a complaint had been filed with the police department. Later, the complainant asked that no further action be taken as long as she wasn't harassed in the future. There have been mutual complaints about harassment and disorderly conduct between these and other residents in this particular section of Brown Mountain for many years.
HAHAHAHA, that last sentence sums up just how expansive their rivalry is. Agnes apparently got a little cranky that Ms. D called the cops on her for following and yelling at her. But, in her mind it was perfectly justifiable to call the cops on Ms. D during "The Cookie Incident". Oh, that Agnes, such a handful.
There are also a few other choice stories in the log that involve people I don't know (although after reading these I would like to get to know them!)
On October 2 at 10 PM, Officer Wrucke met Jackson Fire Rescue at a Brown Mountain residence regarding a 45-year-old woman who was intoxicated and consumed an unknown number of prescription pills. The woman was transported to the hospital. Two days later, Officer Borkowski transferred the woman from the hospital to a psychiatric inpatient unit.
Ok, so this is your standard everyday "Crazy middle-aged drunk lady swallows a bunch of pills, so we throw her in the Psych Ward" type incident. BUT WAIT - there's more!
At 7:53 PM, Officer Wrucke returned to the Brown Mountain residence where he'd been the day before because the 18-year-old son had now attempted suicide by taking prescription medication belonging to his mother, who was still hospitalized. The man stated that he was upset because his ex-girlfriend had kissed two other men and because of his mother's commitment the previous day. Officer Wrucke conveyed the man to an inpatient mental health Center in Fond du Lac County, returning to the station at approximately 1:30 AM.
What a family! They both have a genetic predisposition to eating pills like they're Sweet Tarts. Not only was his mommy still in the hospital, HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND KISSED NOT ONE, BUT TWO GUYS!!! If that's not a reason to kill yourself, I don't know what is. Then to top it off, he didn't succeed and ended up in the loony bin just like his mom! Maybe they got to hang out with each other.
10/18 - At 11:13 PM, Officers Foeger, Gerke, and Laabs were dispatched to Brown Mountain regarding a prowler who was crawling between two trailers. A 50-year-old resident said that he and a friend had been watching television. A third man invited three women to "hang out" for the evening. The complainant and his friend were so intoxicated that it was difficult to understand what they were saying, however it appeared that they were upset about the uninvited guests.
I'll get to the "prowler" crawling between the trailers in a minute. But first, what the fuck is wrong with these guys? A dude shows up with three chicks who want to "hang out" and they throw a fit? Bring 'em over to my place! People never show up here with bitches who wanna hang. Dumbasses.
Eventually the women left, but the man sat in a chair outside the trailer, refusing to leave. His presence was not welcomed because he’s thought to be a cocaine user. It was this man who had been crawling between the trailers. Officer Laabs found the man walking on Industrial Drive. Because the man was heavily intoxicated, he was arrested for violation of probation as a non-drinker.
So the guy likes to "powder his nose" a little? That's no reason to kick him and his hoes out! As for crawling between trailers, well that's kinda creepy.
At 8:05 PM, Officer Henning was told by a Brown Mountain woman that her estranged husband was repeatedly calling her cell phone from Arkansas. During these calls the man threatened to blow up the woman's house and claimed that he had a weapon. When contacted by telephone, the intoxicated man first denied making these calls, and then he admitted making them but said that he was misunderstood about blowing up the house.
Man, doesn't it suck when you are misunderstood? Of course this man wasn't threatening his estranged wife from Arkansas, that would just be silly! What he really said was "I'm sending a blowup doll to your house, and I have a weapon - IN MY PANTS!" He was just trying to be romantic and these asshole cops had to get involved.
Later, the man called Officer Henning's cell phone 30 times, making various belligerent statements and demands. The citation was mailed to the man for telephone harassment. The next day, Chief Dolnick contacted the man, who by then was sober and apologetic for his actions. The man is a convicted felon in Arkansas and, after being contacted by this department, the Jefferson County Sheriff's Department in Pine Bluff interviewed him about his threats.
Ok, so, getting in trouble with the cops is one thing. But if you are a convicted felon, calling a cop's phone 30 times and threatening him is probably not the greatest idea (but then again, nobody from Arkansas has ever been accused of being smart.) But at least he made up for it the next day by saying "Sorrrrry guys. I was a little drunk last night and got a tad bit upset. But we're cool, right?"
On October 21 at around 6 PM, a Brown Mountain resident complained that he had loaned a changing table to a neighbor in January and was now unable to get it back. Officer Borkowski explained that this was a civil matter, but she would try to resolve the problem. When contacted, the other woman said that the complainant had sold her the table for $25 so he could buy beer. She was tired of all the phone calls and they could have the table back.
HAHAHAHAHA, this is brilliant! "SHIT! I don't have any money for beer! Let's see, what is there around here that I could sell.... OH! The baby's changing table! I could get $25 for this! That's enough for a shitload of PBR!" Then October rolls around and he and his fat toothless woman popped out another waste of a kid, but they no longer have a changing table! So the simple solution is to harass the lady you sold it to until she gives it back! It worked too, he now has the changing table to sell again for more beer money!
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Jackson Pub Can Go To Hell
The final straw has been reached in my friends and I's recent foibles at the Jackson Pub. The camel's vertebrae have been crushed, and he ain't getting up. A group of us went out there for yet another birthday party in hopes that recent drama wouldn't be repeated. As it turns out, this outing was the worst one yet.
Right off the bat on this night, shit went awry. I walked in and ordered my first beer. Literally right after taking my initial sip, the owner of the pub ("The Owner") came over and took it away from me. One of the bartenders had alerted him to my presence. I hadn't encountered this guy before, but it didn't take me long to realize I didn't care for him. He brought up my original run-in with The Bouncer. He then informed me that "Your dad has been sending threatening e-mails here saying he is going to sue us and all this bullshit. If I get one more of those e-mails, you're not allowed in here any more and I'm turning over the e-mails to the cops." This was all news to me. Apparently someone with specific knowledge of the events of that night (basically, someone who read my blog post about it) was harassing the pub while claiming to be my dad. If it's you, knock it the fuck off. If you are going to do shit like that, don't say that you're my dad.
I had been there 5 minutes and the buzz I didn't even get a chance to work up was already killed. I didn't really give a crap if he turned the e-mails over to the cops because I had nothing to do with it (and there is nothing illegal about writing a blog), plus Jackson PD sucks at life anyway. I just didn't want to be banned from the bar forever. But later on in the night, my attitude on that would completely reverse.
It was the official Christmas Party for the pub, so the place was packed. A guy dressed as Santa was handing out candy from his magical sack. People were doing annoying karaoke (including The Bouncer taking time out of his busy schedule to sing a stirring rendition of Snoop Dogg's Gin n' Juice). My friends and I were celebrating a girl's 22nd birthday the only way we knew how - buying a bunch of shots. She can definitely drink, but being 110 pounds only allows for so much liquor to be absorbed before the body rejects it. Her boyfriend took her to the bathroom to make sure she expelled what she needed to. Things like this happen all the time at a bar, including when I am the one barfing.
After the purge, we were sitting around at a table. She was talking normally with us and drinking water, but then shit got weird. She suddenly fell over like she had fainted. Her boyfriend propped her up as we all gathered around concerned. After a minute or so, she suddenly woke up and said "I'm OK!" as if nothing happened. But then she kept drifting in and out of consciousness. She got up to go to the bathroom, walked halfway across the bar, then collapsed. Something was clearly wrong with her outside of being drunk.
Some of us helped her along. The Owner saw this happening and came over to show what an incredible prick he was. He got in her face and said "You are on drugs!!! There's no way you are just drunk!" He kept getting on her case, calling her a 22 year-old amateur and saying she was "faking it" (which totally pissed all of us off in the process). Her sister-in-law finally got her to the bathroom but The Owner, now accompanied by his hired thug The Bouncer, wanted them out of the bar. He flung the bathroom door open and started screaming for them to leave. Her boyfriend and brother were now really angry and ready to start a brawl with The Owner and The Bouncer. They resisted, but were informed they had to leave too and were no longer welcome there. There was a back door right by the bathrooms, and The Owner kicked them out into the cold, without even showing concern for the birthday girl, who clearly was having serious issues. The Bouncer followed them in to the parking lot to ensure they got in their car and left.
A few of us, including me, were still at the bar, angry, and ready to leave. My buddies Brentron and Don tried having a civil conversation with The Owner to tell him how much bullshit that was and that we wouldn't be coming back to his bar. The Owner, still in Super Asshole Mode, told us flat-out that they didn't need our business, they do just fine without us, and that "You are the kind of people we don't want in here!" So, I guess "the kind of people" he doesn't want in his bar are the ones that have been coming there for years, have celebrated three birthdays over a month and a half span there, spend hundreds of dollars on booze, games, and the jukebox each time, and once in a while do something like pee on a tree, put their ass on the pool table, or get an innocent girl trashed on her birthday to the point she can't stand up. Yeah, motherfucker, we are the absolute scum of the earth that don't belong in your bar. I'm no business expert, but I think telling your loyal customers that you don't need their business would be near the top on any "Things Not To Do as a Business Owner" list.
The poor girl who just wanted to celebrate had a rough rest of the night. She got somewhere safe but still kept losing consciousness. The next day we came to the conclusion that someone must have put something in one of her drinks. The symptoms she was experiencing are classically associated with roofies. Coincidentally, she said the only time she left a drink somewhere that wasn't with her friends at the table was when she asked The Bouncer to hold one while she went to the bathroom. Obviously we can't prove anything, but that is incredibly sketchy. She is lucky that she was with good friends who had good intentions. Otherwise The Owner could have just thrown her out on the street with someone who was going to do something bad. Did you ever consider that, you dickhead?
So, my friends and I are swearing off the Jackson Pub for good. It's not THAT cool of a place that I would have any qualms about going to another bar. It was like picking the nicest turd out of a pile of shit. There is a new bar that opened up down the road from it, perhaps one that isn't run and regulated by douchebags. Will we be putting the Pub out of business? No. Will we be greatly cutting in to their profits? No. But this is a small town and word spreads quickly. If fun-loving, hard-drinking people like my friends and I keep getting involved in bullshit there, slowly they will lose their core customer base. For a place that recently did extensive renovations, I'm sure they could use all the money they can get to pay that off. None of that will be coming from me any more.
I would be delighted if you would join me in my boycott of the Jackson Pub!
Right off the bat on this night, shit went awry. I walked in and ordered my first beer. Literally right after taking my initial sip, the owner of the pub ("The Owner") came over and took it away from me. One of the bartenders had alerted him to my presence. I hadn't encountered this guy before, but it didn't take me long to realize I didn't care for him. He brought up my original run-in with The Bouncer. He then informed me that "Your dad has been sending threatening e-mails here saying he is going to sue us and all this bullshit. If I get one more of those e-mails, you're not allowed in here any more and I'm turning over the e-mails to the cops." This was all news to me. Apparently someone with specific knowledge of the events of that night (basically, someone who read my blog post about it) was harassing the pub while claiming to be my dad. If it's you, knock it the fuck off. If you are going to do shit like that, don't say that you're my dad.
I had been there 5 minutes and the buzz I didn't even get a chance to work up was already killed. I didn't really give a crap if he turned the e-mails over to the cops because I had nothing to do with it (and there is nothing illegal about writing a blog), plus Jackson PD sucks at life anyway. I just didn't want to be banned from the bar forever. But later on in the night, my attitude on that would completely reverse.
It was the official Christmas Party for the pub, so the place was packed. A guy dressed as Santa was handing out candy from his magical sack. People were doing annoying karaoke (including The Bouncer taking time out of his busy schedule to sing a stirring rendition of Snoop Dogg's Gin n' Juice). My friends and I were celebrating a girl's 22nd birthday the only way we knew how - buying a bunch of shots. She can definitely drink, but being 110 pounds only allows for so much liquor to be absorbed before the body rejects it. Her boyfriend took her to the bathroom to make sure she expelled what she needed to. Things like this happen all the time at a bar, including when I am the one barfing.
After the purge, we were sitting around at a table. She was talking normally with us and drinking water, but then shit got weird. She suddenly fell over like she had fainted. Her boyfriend propped her up as we all gathered around concerned. After a minute or so, she suddenly woke up and said "I'm OK!" as if nothing happened. But then she kept drifting in and out of consciousness. She got up to go to the bathroom, walked halfway across the bar, then collapsed. Something was clearly wrong with her outside of being drunk.
Some of us helped her along. The Owner saw this happening and came over to show what an incredible prick he was. He got in her face and said "You are on drugs!!! There's no way you are just drunk!" He kept getting on her case, calling her a 22 year-old amateur and saying she was "faking it" (which totally pissed all of us off in the process). Her sister-in-law finally got her to the bathroom but The Owner, now accompanied by his hired thug The Bouncer, wanted them out of the bar. He flung the bathroom door open and started screaming for them to leave. Her boyfriend and brother were now really angry and ready to start a brawl with The Owner and The Bouncer. They resisted, but were informed they had to leave too and were no longer welcome there. There was a back door right by the bathrooms, and The Owner kicked them out into the cold, without even showing concern for the birthday girl, who clearly was having serious issues. The Bouncer followed them in to the parking lot to ensure they got in their car and left.
A few of us, including me, were still at the bar, angry, and ready to leave. My buddies Brentron and Don tried having a civil conversation with The Owner to tell him how much bullshit that was and that we wouldn't be coming back to his bar. The Owner, still in Super Asshole Mode, told us flat-out that they didn't need our business, they do just fine without us, and that "You are the kind of people we don't want in here!" So, I guess "the kind of people" he doesn't want in his bar are the ones that have been coming there for years, have celebrated three birthdays over a month and a half span there, spend hundreds of dollars on booze, games, and the jukebox each time, and once in a while do something like pee on a tree, put their ass on the pool table, or get an innocent girl trashed on her birthday to the point she can't stand up. Yeah, motherfucker, we are the absolute scum of the earth that don't belong in your bar. I'm no business expert, but I think telling your loyal customers that you don't need their business would be near the top on any "Things Not To Do as a Business Owner" list.
The poor girl who just wanted to celebrate had a rough rest of the night. She got somewhere safe but still kept losing consciousness. The next day we came to the conclusion that someone must have put something in one of her drinks. The symptoms she was experiencing are classically associated with roofies. Coincidentally, she said the only time she left a drink somewhere that wasn't with her friends at the table was when she asked The Bouncer to hold one while she went to the bathroom. Obviously we can't prove anything, but that is incredibly sketchy. She is lucky that she was with good friends who had good intentions. Otherwise The Owner could have just thrown her out on the street with someone who was going to do something bad. Did you ever consider that, you dickhead?
So, my friends and I are swearing off the Jackson Pub for good. It's not THAT cool of a place that I would have any qualms about going to another bar. It was like picking the nicest turd out of a pile of shit. There is a new bar that opened up down the road from it, perhaps one that isn't run and regulated by douchebags. Will we be putting the Pub out of business? No. Will we be greatly cutting in to their profits? No. But this is a small town and word spreads quickly. If fun-loving, hard-drinking people like my friends and I keep getting involved in bullshit there, slowly they will lose their core customer base. For a place that recently did extensive renovations, I'm sure they could use all the money they can get to pay that off. None of that will be coming from me any more.
I would be delighted if you would join me in my boycott of the Jackson Pub!
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